Auntie Goes Cruising

Dear Potatobugs:

     Auntie woke up this morning feeling a bit out of sorts. The crick in my neck is getting worse and my bad knee is swollen and atingle with the pleasures of arthritis. It is so easy to get out of bed in the morning and let our physical pains, our emotional insecurities and the problems of the day before get us down before we even try to tackle the pains, problems and emotions of today. What we need is a little vacation from ourselves, so Auntie is closing her eyes today and imagining herself on a Carnival Cruise.

     Let me start out by saying that, if Kathy Lee Gifford gets all up in my business singing show tunes before this thing even begins, there will be a drowning on dry land before she even makes it up the gangway ramp. That being said, Aunt Mark has donned her mu mu, big floppy sun hat and pair of thong sandals and intends to take up permanent residence at those cruise buffet tables you hear about. Now...I have never been on a cruise, but legend has it that eating is something of a marathon on these things...or at least can be. And since I will never be able to run a REAL marathon, eating my way through a faux luau seems like a fair exchange.

     What else can old Aunt Mark do on a cruise? I don't like shuffleboard....its like silent bowling. Ever since my thong bikini made its appearance in the public pool, Aunt Mark wont be caught dead in the shipboard hot tub (I can still hear the laughs of my proctologist when he had to go in and find it's remnants). So what else is there to do on a cruise? How am I supposed to imagine and escape if all I can think of is sitting and eating? Hell...we don't even stop at a port long enough to enjoy a decent shark attack!!! What is a girl supposed to do? 

     As you can see, my imagination can only take me so far on a cruise. I guess there is no escape from these pains, problems and emotions called life, so imagining a cruise seems somewhat fruitless...wait...is that...yes it is...Andy Rooney in a speedo??? Things are looking up for me...and they will be for him, too..after I slip a Viagra into his Mai-tai. Geriatric roofies.

Two Plus Two Equals Forsight

Dear Potatobugs:

    So Auntie woke up this morning with what she thought was the worst case of writer's block ever. Turns, out, she just needed to control her cheese consumption for the weekend and stop treating cheddar as if it were the answer to all of the world's woes. So...I assume we all survived our weekends and are here to revel in the Packers victory ( a win that Auntie called, if you will remember) and since I have become an expert at making 50/50 predictions that seem to come true at least half of the time, I decided to unleash my psychic abilities on all of you with some of my premonitions.

1. The end of the world will happen in 2012...but that will only happen for those of you who are stupid enough to keep talking about how it is going to and wont shut about it. The rest of us, who don't put our eggs in the basket of a culture that died out way before their calendar did, are going to beat you to death with the champagne bottles we use to toast in 2013.

2. In the next year, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Charlie Sheen and Robert Downey Jr. will do something to publicly embarrass themselves. Honorable mention goes to Mel Gibson. One or all will return to rehab, except for Gibson, who is busy building his bunker to survive December, 2012.

3. Congress will continue to make partisan politics a priority, and we will continue to let them vote themselves raises even though their job evaluations continue to suck and in any other corporation, there would have been an overhaul by now.  How about restructuring and down-sizing the federal government...you know, like the rest of us (at their mercy) will continue to experience? 

4. Betty White will make another deal with the devil for an additional five years of publicity. In exchange for her services, she has to demon possess the people at Master Cuts and convince them to wrestle Justin Bieber to the ground and give him a crew cut so we can be sure he isn't really a lost Olson twin.

5. Twilight and Harry Potter will be the most successful films of 2011 because, even though we know they are going to be mediocre, we at least know what to expect and for $10 a movie ticket, we want no surprises.

6. The middle east will continue to be a place of turmoil and peace will not happen there...EVER...very similar situation happening in the U.S. Congress...see #3.  All that sand and very little beach..it confuses the mind. The real solution to Middle eastern  problems is that there are not enough water parks to distract everyone from fighting. Lets get a wave pool dug and few slides erected ASAP

7. The Bachelor will continue to be the most boring, slowly paced show on television, Jersey Shore the most insipid and Fox News the best scripted television soap opera.

8. Aunt Mark will continue to be ornery, opinionated and skeptical of her readers and their empty lives. Thank God for all of our boredom.  

Auntie's Horrible Secret Revealed

Dear Potatobugs:

    Aunt Mark is writing a confess-all today about one of my secret addictions. After berating Super Bowl watchers and Jersey Shore viewers for weeks, it is time for me to put my own ass on the chopping block and call myself out for my own stupidity. I have already shared with you my deep rooted love affair with food, but there is something else I must admit to that sets my pacemaker to dancing at a rhumba tempo: Office Supplies. I do not know what is is about them, but I just cannot get enough of them. When I was a child, shopping for school supplies was THE most exciting part about going back to school in the Fall. I would pace the school supplies aisle at Ames or Jamesway, checking out all of the Trapper Keepers trying to decide which groovy version I was going with that year. The right pens, the righ folders, the perfect pencil case. I once had a pencil case that looked like a small Chips Ahoy box! Talk about combining two of my addictions into one.

     As an adult, this fascination has been exacerbated by the creation of such stores as Office Max and Michaels. I can literally get dizzy over holding a pack of multi-colored Sharpee Pens. There is something about being able to permanently label things in Aqua Green ink that I find titillating. Hell..I think I had an orgasm once when I found three-pronged folders for sale 10/$1.00. Is it right for an old lady to leak a little pee over Wal-Marts yearly school supply sale where she stocks up on markers, glue, tape and spiral notebooks? The worst part about this addiction is, once purchased, there is something about the perfection of brand new, unopened school supplies, that I spend months resiting their use just to keep them looking pristine. As a result, I have boxes full of unopened school supplies that just sit there. I need to know: what is wrong with me?  I cannot even begin to figure out where this addiction started or why? Was I sniffing White-Out at an early age? Was I denied rulers and Bic pens at early age? I just know that a woman of my age should not be pining away for the days when we had the lollipop pens, with the stem as the pen and candy as the cap, that wrote in colored ink and smelled of the flavor that went with that color. I lay in bed at night, falling asleep, dreaming of such things.

And as for the Super Bowl...Auntie is picking the Packers...she finds their name....worthy of pee leakage.

Aunt Mark Puts Her Knee to Your Footballs

Dear Potatobugs:

    I know this article will get many of you all in a dither with me, but I have never stopped at priopriety before, so why begin now? I do not understand the United State's fascination with professional football and I never will. To me, the whole thing amounts to a field full of overpaid neanderthals chasing a big, shiny brown thing (we can't really call it a ball when it is shaped like Stewie Griffin'shead)  from one end to another in an effort to increase their odds of brain injury. How is it even fair to pin teams against one another when some are rich and can afford to pay the best players and others must settle for bottom of the barrel? It seems to me that we could spend our time more effectively watching paint dry...but, I am not one to burst anyone's balloons and I understand that, for many of you, the countdown to the Superbowl is like a six-month advent with the half-time show and commercials serving as some sort of Holiday spectacular.

     The real problem, America, is that we as a culture like reasons to drink, gamble and scream...and professional sports give us the opportunity to act on these vices and not feel guilty for them. How we haven't worked sex into the day is beyond me...but I am sure it is coming. Even I, Aunt Mark, look forward to those Superbowl parties for the simple fact that there will be chili, dip and pizza to cater to my vice: food. So...as you get yourself trashed tomorrow, lose your paycheck betting on the Steelers or scream yourself hoarse for the Packers, all while downing Cool Ranch Doritos and Nacho Cheese, remeber that, somewhere on that field a high priced prostitute is suffering brain damage for your entertainment pleasure. Other than the Oscars, where can you get such cheap entertainment?      

Dear Auntie and the Case of the Wrong Entrance and the Karma for Co-Workers

Dear Auntie,

My boyfriend & I have been together for over a year and are looking to "step it up" in the bedroom.  He really wants to try something "different", you know...in thru the out door....  I am willing to try but I have large, bleeding hemorrhoids and I'm worried they'll ruin the experience for both of us.  Do you have any suggestions?

Thank you,
Speed-bump

Dear Bumpy:

     First of all...WTF? Girls...this is not something we do unless jewelry has been received, and I don't mean some piece of Avon crap. Second of all, this is not Jersey Shore, so unless sponsors are paying you to publicly debase yourself, I suggest sticking to things like French maids' uniforms and re-runs of Benny Hill to get you both excited. However...if the Hershey Highway TRULY appeals to you, I do NOT suggest starting that kind of fun with a case of the piles. Preparation H is no K-Y Jelly, and you remember that!  


Dear Aunt Mark,

I hate my immediate supervisor and wish I could tell her to shove it where the sun doesn't shine.  I'd be in a lot of trouble if I did, though, and don't have an alternative career lined up.  What should I do?  Please don't use my real name.  She might be trolling around and see this, and I want to have a good weekend.

Signed,
Iwanna Kwit
Dear Iwanna:

     We are all subject to supervisors that make our skin crawl and our teeth clench, and unfortunately life doesn't offer us too many LEGAL choices for rectifying the situation. I assume you have ruled out looking into any mob ties your family might have, so your next best option is indirect torture. Since your feelings and hard work are not being directly acknowledged at work, then indirectly retaliate. Put messages in his or her mailbox requesting them to return calls to people they can't stand, only to make those calls and find themselves stuck talking to them with no idea what the call was for. Carefully placed thumb tacks in seats and "kick me" signs may SEEM juvenile, but it is all about wearing down their self-worth ...and what better way to do that than force them to return to their high school insecurities. You are never going to feel okay  just keeping your mouth shut, so plan some kind of untraceable revenge that you can witness, but not have to take responsibility for.