Dear Potatobugs:
Aunt Mark is noticing that, with the time of the year being a favorite traveling time for germs (and I don't mean Justin Bieber's latest tour), that there are a lot of sickies running around out there. I, myself, am suffering from a case of the stomach bug which has kept me in perpetual anticipation and pondering the constant quandary of which end of me to aim for the porcelain first. And before you all groan with disgust, I think it is quite fair to assume that we have ALL been in this position once or twice. Why is it that, when "all is said and done" that there is nothing cooler and more soothing than laying down on the linoleum tiles of a bathroom floor? Does dehydration cause such a euphoria that this thought that one we would never consider under any other terms, suddenly seems not only acceptable, but the preferable thing to do?
The rest of the year, I could give two how-do-ya-dos about saltines, ginger ale and Gator Aid. When I am sick, I crave them. I would kill for them, if I had the strength. The part I don't get is, when I am nauseous, I suddenly begin having cravings for things that are a REALLY bad idea...things you know that, as soon as they hit ground zero during ye olde stomach flu, that PARTICULAR food will be lost to you for life. Aunt Mark has been entirely ruined for egg rolls, pepperoni, spaghettios, Trix cereal and prune jelly...a Jackson Pollack of epic proportions.
What pisses me off is, you never have a good idea of what medication to take when you are sick. Pepto Bismol is supposed to be for an upset stomach, nausea and diarrhea, yet it is near impossible to get past the gag reflexes. I go to buy cold medicine, and I have no idea at this vulnerable point in my life what I am doing, nor do I have the patience or the focus to read labels. I stand in the pharmacy aisle of the A&P muttering under my breath "what the hell are these ingredients? Am I going to die if they don't mix with my blood pressure medication? Am I even on blood pressure medication? Where DO babies come from? What is Rosebud and why have I never finished watching that movie?" Then I just buy Tylenol and hope for the best.
Congestion and a runny nose are also a real pain in the rump, but the worst of these kinds of ailments is the one nostril that clogs and you are left breathing lopsided all day. You walk around, head turned at a slant because you feel like one sinus is weighed down with a cement block. You lay down to take a rest and low and behold, miracle of miracles, it begins to drain. You leap up in ecstatic joy, elated to take your first two-nostril breathe in three days.........only to feel it shift to the other nostril and the cement block swing like a pendulum to the other side of your face. The bitch of living!
So Aunt Mark hopes you all invest in some Lysol and spray yourself down with it before stepping out into public. Take some long term precautions for your health as well:
1. Don't sleep with Lindsey Lohan
2. Wash your hands at least once a week.
3. Don't sleep with Lindsey Lohan
4. Get plenty of vitamin C - a mimosa a day keeps the doctor away
5. Don't sleep with Lindsey Lohan
6. All children are walking germ amusement parks...lock them in the basement until flu season is over
7. Don't sleep with Lindsey Lohan, but if you must, Lysol first.
You may not agree with Aunt Mark's suggestions and to that I say, "Let me help you with that rectal thermometer!...Vaseline? Nope...sorry...we are fresh out."
Showing posts with label Lohan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lohan. Show all posts
Monday, January 17, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Justin Bieber and the Aunties Great Confusion
Dear Potato Bugs:
Aunt Mark has been doing some mulling (or stewing) these last few days over celebrities that I just don't understand. There are certain people that I just cannot help wonder why the world finds any allure in their presence. Their purpose has yet to be explained to me. So...here goes...Aunt Mark's Top Ten List of Celebrities and WTF Are They Doing in the Lime Light????
10. Regis Philbin - the guy is loud...very loud and has zero charm. I cannot believe that Kelly Rippa doesn't just reach over and smack the crap out of his skull! Fortunately for Regis, I don't think that gal can find her hand at the end of her arm, so he's safe. But seriously...how DID Regis come to fame? He's not sexy...unless troll dolls make you horny. He is unwelcoming...like being trapped at a bossy in-laws house.Why has this man had the career that he has?
9. Paris Hilton - It's not really a surprise that she is famous. Fame can be bought, with Visa or Masterskank. Other than that, what does she have to offer? Why do the tabloids keep reporting on her? Someone, somewhere MUST care what this train wreck is up to...I just have never met anyone who admits to it.
8. Richard Simmons - Is it fair to say that he just scares me? I pray, everytime he is on television, that those short-shorts will not creep up any further so I have to give him a personal gynecological exam. Perhaps this is how he helps people get thin? Let's his balls hang just within view so we all lose our lunch? Talk about "Deal-a-Meal"...or...more to the point...Sweatin' to HIS Oldies...
7. Lindsey Lohan - again...we just encourage her nonsense. Are we as a society REALLY such ambulance chasers? All we have to do is look at the Box Office reciepts for any of her movies to realize that yes, we like a bloody mess sprawled across the screen!
6. Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson - I know, I know...they are supposed to be two separate people, but I have yet to see any real evidence of this since Twilight began hypnotizing me with its mundane bullshit. Stewart, to paraphrase the great Dorothy Parker, runs the gammit of emotions from "A to B" and the whiter you make Pattinson, the uglier the guy gets. The two add up to barely half a performer, and let's face it, if it weren't for Taylor Lautner's abs, none of us would give a flying crap about Twilight!
5. Sarah Palin: The more the faux folksy nut job talks, the more I hate America for embracing her...but I think that is her intention. She wants to create an America that we all hate so that she can swoop in on her broomstick and make us think she fixed it. I don't know where that puts America, but I DO know where she can put that broom handle. In the process, we might find what is left of her husband.
4. The Jonas Brothers - Purity rings or cock rings, who gives a crap? This is the gayest act I have ever seen, so abstaining from sex with girls is hardly a challenge. That would be like abstaining from sex with rutabegas. It's not a hard thing to do. Yes...they are generically cute in a carved out of cream cheese sort of way, and Auntie does have this fantasy that involves getting all three brass purity rings off that carousel. I know..I know...one of them is married...blah blah blah...until I see a bloodied bedsheet, I stand by my convictions.
3. Barbara Walters and the ENTIRE panel of The View: Auntie is saddened for women over this show. The lack of civility makes is look like five intelligent women cannot sit down and have a reasonable conversation. Girls...we all know we can have a perfectly lovely chat and disagree without storming out and insulting our house guests. Why can't this quintet get through a contraversial episode without Joy screaming, Whoopie storming off, Elisabeth alienating half the country and Barbara flooding her granny panties? In fact, Sherrie Shephard is the smartest of the batch playing hopelessly clueless...and she is much better on Community. Wait...is that her? I get so confused!!!
2. Charlie Sheen: I don't care if he's a drunk. I don't care where he puts his dinker-donker. I don't care if Two and a Half Men is canceled or used as torture for political prisoners. The guy was a delicious glass of iced tea in the 1980's, but now, he is more like a lukewarm shot of prune juice with a piss chaser. He plays the same charcater in everything he does and that character is Charlie Sheen. I think it is time to recast the role of Charlie Sheen with say...Robert Downey, Jr...I think his resume proves he is up to the demands.
1. Justin Bieber - Honest to God, he is number one on my list because I cannot figure out for the life of me why teeny bopper girls are mooning over this ....for lack of a better word..."boy." It would make sense to me if lesbians liked him because his fashion sense is that of most Lilith Fair survivors, but what does a teen girl see in a lad whose voice is higher than theirs, and his face is prettier? His latest dalliance with Selena Gomez has me so confused...because...let us be honest, girls...weren't we sure up to this point that Ms. Bieber was a "Friend of Dorothy"?
Aunt Mark has been doing some mulling (or stewing) these last few days over celebrities that I just don't understand. There are certain people that I just cannot help wonder why the world finds any allure in their presence. Their purpose has yet to be explained to me. So...here goes...Aunt Mark's Top Ten List of Celebrities and WTF Are They Doing in the Lime Light????
10. Regis Philbin - the guy is loud...very loud and has zero charm. I cannot believe that Kelly Rippa doesn't just reach over and smack the crap out of his skull! Fortunately for Regis, I don't think that gal can find her hand at the end of her arm, so he's safe. But seriously...how DID Regis come to fame? He's not sexy...unless troll dolls make you horny. He is unwelcoming...like being trapped at a bossy in-laws house.Why has this man had the career that he has?
9. Paris Hilton - It's not really a surprise that she is famous. Fame can be bought, with Visa or Masterskank. Other than that, what does she have to offer? Why do the tabloids keep reporting on her? Someone, somewhere MUST care what this train wreck is up to...I just have never met anyone who admits to it.
8. Richard Simmons - Is it fair to say that he just scares me? I pray, everytime he is on television, that those short-shorts will not creep up any further so I have to give him a personal gynecological exam. Perhaps this is how he helps people get thin? Let's his balls hang just within view so we all lose our lunch? Talk about "Deal-a-Meal"...or...more to the point...Sweatin' to HIS Oldies...
7. Lindsey Lohan - again...we just encourage her nonsense. Are we as a society REALLY such ambulance chasers? All we have to do is look at the Box Office reciepts for any of her movies to realize that yes, we like a bloody mess sprawled across the screen!
6. Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson - I know, I know...they are supposed to be two separate people, but I have yet to see any real evidence of this since Twilight began hypnotizing me with its mundane bullshit. Stewart, to paraphrase the great Dorothy Parker, runs the gammit of emotions from "A to B" and the whiter you make Pattinson, the uglier the guy gets. The two add up to barely half a performer, and let's face it, if it weren't for Taylor Lautner's abs, none of us would give a flying crap about Twilight!
5. Sarah Palin: The more the faux folksy nut job talks, the more I hate America for embracing her...but I think that is her intention. She wants to create an America that we all hate so that she can swoop in on her broomstick and make us think she fixed it. I don't know where that puts America, but I DO know where she can put that broom handle. In the process, we might find what is left of her husband.
4. The Jonas Brothers - Purity rings or cock rings, who gives a crap? This is the gayest act I have ever seen, so abstaining from sex with girls is hardly a challenge. That would be like abstaining from sex with rutabegas. It's not a hard thing to do. Yes...they are generically cute in a carved out of cream cheese sort of way, and Auntie does have this fantasy that involves getting all three brass purity rings off that carousel. I know..I know...one of them is married...blah blah blah...until I see a bloodied bedsheet, I stand by my convictions.
3. Barbara Walters and the ENTIRE panel of The View: Auntie is saddened for women over this show. The lack of civility makes is look like five intelligent women cannot sit down and have a reasonable conversation. Girls...we all know we can have a perfectly lovely chat and disagree without storming out and insulting our house guests. Why can't this quintet get through a contraversial episode without Joy screaming, Whoopie storming off, Elisabeth alienating half the country and Barbara flooding her granny panties? In fact, Sherrie Shephard is the smartest of the batch playing hopelessly clueless...and she is much better on Community. Wait...is that her? I get so confused!!!
2. Charlie Sheen: I don't care if he's a drunk. I don't care where he puts his dinker-donker. I don't care if Two and a Half Men is canceled or used as torture for political prisoners. The guy was a delicious glass of iced tea in the 1980's, but now, he is more like a lukewarm shot of prune juice with a piss chaser. He plays the same charcater in everything he does and that character is Charlie Sheen. I think it is time to recast the role of Charlie Sheen with say...Robert Downey, Jr...I think his resume proves he is up to the demands.
1. Justin Bieber - Honest to God, he is number one on my list because I cannot figure out for the life of me why teeny bopper girls are mooning over this ....for lack of a better word..."boy." It would make sense to me if lesbians liked him because his fashion sense is that of most Lilith Fair survivors, but what does a teen girl see in a lad whose voice is higher than theirs, and his face is prettier? His latest dalliance with Selena Gomez has me so confused...because...let us be honest, girls...weren't we sure up to this point that Ms. Bieber was a "Friend of Dorothy"?
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