Two Plus Two Equals Forsight

Dear Potatobugs:

    So Auntie woke up this morning with what she thought was the worst case of writer's block ever. Turns, out, she just needed to control her cheese consumption for the weekend and stop treating cheddar as if it were the answer to all of the world's woes. So...I assume we all survived our weekends and are here to revel in the Packers victory ( a win that Auntie called, if you will remember) and since I have become an expert at making 50/50 predictions that seem to come true at least half of the time, I decided to unleash my psychic abilities on all of you with some of my premonitions.

1. The end of the world will happen in 2012...but that will only happen for those of you who are stupid enough to keep talking about how it is going to and wont shut about it. The rest of us, who don't put our eggs in the basket of a culture that died out way before their calendar did, are going to beat you to death with the champagne bottles we use to toast in 2013.

2. In the next year, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Charlie Sheen and Robert Downey Jr. will do something to publicly embarrass themselves. Honorable mention goes to Mel Gibson. One or all will return to rehab, except for Gibson, who is busy building his bunker to survive December, 2012.

3. Congress will continue to make partisan politics a priority, and we will continue to let them vote themselves raises even though their job evaluations continue to suck and in any other corporation, there would have been an overhaul by now.  How about restructuring and down-sizing the federal government...you know, like the rest of us (at their mercy) will continue to experience? 

4. Betty White will make another deal with the devil for an additional five years of publicity. In exchange for her services, she has to demon possess the people at Master Cuts and convince them to wrestle Justin Bieber to the ground and give him a crew cut so we can be sure he isn't really a lost Olson twin.

5. Twilight and Harry Potter will be the most successful films of 2011 because, even though we know they are going to be mediocre, we at least know what to expect and for $10 a movie ticket, we want no surprises.

6. The middle east will continue to be a place of turmoil and peace will not happen there...EVER...very similar situation happening in the U.S. Congress...see #3.  All that sand and very little beach..it confuses the mind. The real solution to Middle eastern  problems is that there are not enough water parks to distract everyone from fighting. Lets get a wave pool dug and few slides erected ASAP

7. The Bachelor will continue to be the most boring, slowly paced show on television, Jersey Shore the most insipid and Fox News the best scripted television soap opera.

8. Aunt Mark will continue to be ornery, opinionated and skeptical of her readers and their empty lives. Thank God for all of our boredom.  

Keeping Your Light Under a Bushel...Karaoke Anne Frank Style

Dear Potatobugs:

    Aunt Mark was at her local bar the other night, drinking her vodka collins with a lemon twist, when what to my poor ears should commence, but an evening of karaoke singing. Why is it that, at these special moments of karaoke, there is always a table full of drunken bimbos ready to be the first at the microphone? Without a doubt, one or all of these screeching harpies will be the first to the microphone to regale us with their slobbering version of "I Say a Little Prayer." Karaoke, my dear readers, is the armpit of the music world and don't let anyone fool you into thinking that this is something that should be done in public.

    Now don't get me wrong: in the privacy of your own home, I have no problem with you getting liquored up and putting on your Bieber, your Underwood, your Gaga or your Shania. As a matter of fact, your attic or basement in the perfect place for you to figure out that you have no vocal talent. Let's face it...most people who step up to a karaoke microphone have NO BUSINESS singing in public and it is time someone spoke up and said so. Even if you ARE a good singer, the balance of the voice against the cheesy musak version of "Karma Chameleon" or "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" you are going to sing is not going to show you at your best. That is why Anne Frank never went out to sing karaoke in public. She knew better to keep that light under a bushel, sing in the attic,and then she took a break and wrote a moving piece of literature.

    So... do what Aunt Mark does. Put on you your favorite spandex outfit, leg warmers, wrist bands and head bands, set the karaoke machine up in the well insolated basement, and sing "Superfreak" to the mice. Not only am I saving the world from the ear drum splitting pain, but it works like the Pied Piper in reverse...see how the rodents scurrry away with their little paws over their eyes and ears.  

Aunt Mark's Cupid Hits the Valentine's Mark

Dear Potatobugs:

     Auntie has her nickers twist. I don't care if I say it, but I I am GOING to say it: I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY!!! No...it has nothing to do with me being bitter and pissy over the fact that Brad Pitt has yet to acknowledge my existence or that, as the years go by, the floral delivery truck whizzes by without one lopsided carnation for me. I don't even hate Valentine's Day because it is the most commercialized and fabricated of all holidays ( unless you count Flag Day). Actually, Auntie is disgusted how with how poorly commercialized Valentine's Day has become. Have you seen (or worse, tasted) the crap they are peddling for Valentine's Day as a way to tell people you love them? If that's how you feel, please send cash.

      The worst Valentine's gift to give someone is those little hearts with cutey pie sayings on them. That's right people, say it with chalk. Who in God's name decided the best way to tell people you love them is with these nasty little notes that are flavored like your English teacher's blackboard. Unless your sweetie is suffering from Pica, why would you do this?

      Valentine cards for kids are the biggest rip off of all. Pay $5.99 or more so your kid can send pictures of Sponge Bob, Shrek or Justin Bieber printed on flimsy paper with envelopes that are so thing, just licking them to seal them turns them into a spit wad. I know..I know...its the thought that counts. Think harder.

     Balloon Bouquets - if you don't want to be romantic and send roses, then don't bother with Valentine's Day. Balloon bouquets are the easy out to say "I really enjoy you and I am glad we get to screw regularly, but I have no serious intentions where you are concerned." If god had intended Balloon bouquets to be given on this holy day, he would have filled roses with helium. If you are giving a Balloon arrangement this holiday, send penicillin as well. Nothing says VD like Valentine's Day.

     Dinner at a chain restaurant. Never do this. Applebees, Chili's, TGI Fridays do not say "romantic." They barely say "edible" on most days. For god's sake, take your loved one someplace where coupons are not accepted and you can't order an appetizer, entree and dessert as part of one price.

      So...I know you all love Aunt Mark and are going to shower her with Valentine's gifts, so I will be blunt and tell you exactly what I want. Any deviation from this will result in punishment involving a rusty spoon and your eye. I want a dozen, long stem roses, a box of Godiva truffles, and Jensen Ackles diapered up in a Cupid costume. I can handle the rest.

Bieber in 3 -D??? Vomit in 4 -D

Dear Potato Bugs:

    What is it with the rash of films coming out that are glorified music concerts featuring superstars in 3-D? I can see the fun of an action film in 3 -D: things flying at you fast, near misses, that sort of thing. But what can one possibly gain from seeing Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber singing their empty pop crap in 3-D? The only person they could possibly be catering to is the deaf pederast...and frankly, I don't think we should be making movies for them. There are, however, some acts I think might benefit from the 3-D experience.

1. Gallagher: The fruit smashing fruit. I have no idea why this guy's destruction of watermelons has become an exciting way to pass the time, but I suppose airborne watermelon seeds flying at you might create the illusion of near misses. When he does his own balls, then we'll talk.

2. Dolly Parton: I think that goes without saying.

3. Pee-Wee Herman. We all know what Pee-Wee likes to do in the movie theatre right? Okay...go with me on this....what if we made a movie called "Pee-Wee Goes to the Movies" and filmed him at his "best?" Then produce it in 3-D, he can sit in the front row and watch himself while...just make sure the 3-D glasses come with a zamboni towel.

4.  Jersey Shore -in 3 -D. I don't think anything would be more fun than to watch these people piss themselves, drown in their own vomit and treat venereal diseases in 3-D. I think it adds a certain Schadenfeude to the festivities. I'm convinced if we saw the show in 3-D that the Situation's abs would reveal themselves to be painted on.

5.  The United States Government. Aunt Mark would pay anything to see these people capable of depth. Maybe 3-D glasses are the only way to get what we need out of them? Food for thought.

Camel Toes and Tobacco Woes

Dear Potatobugs:

      Aunt Mark was visiting the Wal-Mart the other day and I am seriously concerned about the direction our country is taking. Let’s face it – Wal-Mart IS a microcosm of our society and that picture is looking more like a Salvadore Dali painting every day. I am going to begin by stating some rules that I think should go without saying, but somehow, in Wal-Mart, they seem to have been forgotten.

1. If you weigh 200 pounds or more, skin-tight, light pink stretch pants are not a good idea. Watching you pick out your Chips Ahoy and Toaster Pastries, I do not NEED to see camel toe smiling back at me.

2. Shop like you drive a car folks. Right side of the aisle, only!!! Down the left is annoying and down the center will get my foot down the center of your skull. I will teach you some consideration!

3. When we are picking through the $5 movie bin together, don’t you dare throw the ones you’ve looked at in the hole that I am working on. We all know the best movie in the world is just waiting for us in the bottom of that thing, so quit hurling your copies of Cruel Intentions 2 and Operation Dumbo Drop into my workspace.   

4. Speaking of the cheap movie bin, would it really be all that hard to put them on a shelf where we can read the spines and speed up the process? I mean, for God’s sake, they cram that store with extra shelving during the holiday season. Take the one you use for holiday Chia Pet displays and set the cheapy flicks up on it. I can easily lose an hour of my life in that Black Hole of Calcutta: a half-hour looking for one GOOD movie and a half-hour trying to make my way to the surface.

5.  Instead of doing their little pre-opening cheerlead with the staff, how about a few training session in speed and how to use the cash register? Auntie has stood there in line watching some little old cashier lady ring 24 candles up individually. Even I know you hit “Quantity,” then “24,” then you scan one candle and bag them all. Hold up…never mind, with the years ya wait in line, you’ll need those candles for your next birthday cake.

6. You can bitch all you want about smoking, but those of us who enjoy a ciggy butt now and again know the good of it! Aunt Mark likes a nice big cigar before bed (but enough of my euphemisms for sex). Back to the problem: Don’t have one tobacco counter. Don’t make us have to come to you to get our fix.

We’re smokers, we can’t walk that far. We are easily winded. If you are that worried about us stealing them (and at $10 a pack, we will), drive around in a little pope mobile with a glass dome on it filled with cigarettes. At ten dollars a pack, you can afford to pay the old guy who hands out smiley face stickers to children to drive it.

7. Stop selling Justin Bieber nonsense. The world does not need his face everywhere. I get that the pre-teens like to have him on a school folder or a lunch box, but do I really need a Bieber lawn chair? If you really wanna make my day, slap his mug on a roll of toilet paper or an enema bag.

                Wal-Mart is a ridiculous place to shop and if their prices weren’t so much better than everywhere else, we’d never go. Ahhh…thank goodness for scab wages and cheaply made crap.     

Aunt Mark Goes Camping and Pitches a Tent Over It

Dear Potato Bugs:

     Aunt Mark decided she needed a break from this frosty, wet weather (reminds me of sex with my ex husband) and she decided to head to points south. Funds are low, as you well know, and Auntie hasn't been able to whore herself out at the Super 8 like she used to. A new plan was required to make this jaunt affordable. My solution: CAMPING!!!!

      As a child, Aunt Mark was schlepped to Bowman Lake State Park with mumsy, daddems and the siblings for a delightful weekend of pissing behind maple trees and arguing. I was never a fan of the outdoors, nor did I enjoy the smell of the tents, the damp, chilly mornings or the incessant birds chirping. I'm an indoor gal. Yes, there were a few things to recommend like the smells of coffee brewing and bacon cooking mixed with the morning air. That was pure heaven. But lets face it, they could be frying bacon in a septic tank and we'd all come running. Nope..by and large, Aunt Mark prefers to cuddled up on the couch sipping warm Ovaltine and watching Nick at Nite. So, camping is not the usual "go to" option for me.

     Until this week. I wanted just a few days in the warm sun, and looking at the nation's weather map, there were not a lot of choices that didn't require a passport. Global warming MY ASS! This country is colder than two feet up a polar bear's ass. My bones and my joints are aching and my toes and nose are froze. So...after checking out all my options, South Florida SEEMED like the best choice. So, I threw the tent, the Coleman stove, the sleeping bag, a lantern, and box full of supplies (aka Little Debbie Cakes, Matches, Dinty Moore Beef Stew and toilet paper) into my Cadillac and strated the long drive to the Everglades.

     Upon arrival, I had to convince myself it was safe to get out of the car and that the season guest star of Dexter was not dumping bodies the next campsite over. Fears abated, mostly from a need to pee, I climbed out of the car and ran for the tall grass to crouch. In a position most gals should not get into unless the guy has paid for a really nice lobster dinner, I began the tinkle process. Out of the corner of my eye, there I saw a big, long scaley body sunning itself in the Florida heat. My rear end to the wind, I have no idea why all I could think of was Gilda Radner's song "Let's Talk Dirty to the Animals" and the specific lyric "Never Tell an Alligator Bite My Ass." As humorous as this was, the pee kept a coming and once its going, there is no intermission to run from reptiles. My heart beating a million beats a minute, I tried to finish my business when I remembered I had left the toilet paper in the car. How can you run with your pantyhose around your ankles without tripping? I started to understand what the dumb blondes in horror films must feel like when their heel breaks just inches away from a chainsaw wielding republican.  So...I stood there and dripped dry...and I'm pretty sure that alligator was smiling. Now Auntie is no spring chicken, but that perverted gator grin made me feel spry...like he was liking what he was seeing. Then I realized, eating me was definitely the plan and NOT in the good way! No...I slipped up my hosiery, and tiptoded back to the car and headed for teh Super 8.

 I guess this gal had a   few free nights left in her after all.  

Sick of the Sickness

Dear Potatobugs:

   Aunt Mark is noticing that, with the time of the year being a favorite traveling time for germs (and I don't mean Justin Bieber's latest tour), that there are a lot of sickies running around out there. I, myself, am suffering from a case of the stomach bug which has kept me in perpetual anticipation and pondering the constant quandary of which end of me to aim for the porcelain first. And before you all groan with disgust, I think it is quite fair to assume that we have ALL been in this position once or twice. Why is it that, when "all is said and done" that there is nothing cooler and more soothing than laying down on the linoleum tiles of a bathroom floor? Does dehydration cause such a euphoria that this thought that one we would never consider under any other terms, suddenly seems not only acceptable, but the preferable thing to do?

    The rest of the year, I could give two how-do-ya-dos about saltines, ginger ale and Gator Aid. When I am sick, I crave them. I would kill for them, if I had the strength. The part I don't get is, when I am nauseous, I suddenly begin having cravings for things that are a REALLY bad idea...things you know that, as soon as they hit ground zero during ye olde stomach flu, that PARTICULAR food will be lost to you for life. Aunt Mark has been entirely ruined for egg rolls, pepperoni, spaghettios, Trix cereal and prune jelly...a Jackson Pollack of epic proportions.  

     What pisses me off is, you never have a good idea of what medication to take when you are sick. Pepto Bismol is supposed to be for an upset stomach, nausea and diarrhea, yet it is near impossible to get past the gag reflexes. I go to buy cold medicine, and I have no idea at this vulnerable point in my life what I am doing, nor do I have the patience or the focus to read labels. I stand in the pharmacy aisle of the A&P muttering under my breath "what the hell are these ingredients? Am I going to die if they don't mix with my blood pressure medication? Am I even on blood pressure medication? Where DO babies come from? What is Rosebud and why have I never finished watching that movie?" Then I just buy Tylenol and hope for the best.

     Congestion and a runny nose are also a real pain in the rump, but the worst of these kinds of ailments is the one nostril that clogs and you are left breathing lopsided all day. You walk around, head turned at a slant because you feel like one sinus is weighed down with a cement block. You lay down to take a rest and low and behold, miracle of miracles, it begins to drain. You leap up in ecstatic joy, elated to take your first two-nostril breathe in three days.........only to feel it shift to the other nostril and the cement block swing like a pendulum to the other side of your face. The bitch of living!

     So Aunt Mark hopes you all invest in some Lysol and spray yourself down with it before stepping out into public. Take some long term precautions for your health as well:

1. Don't sleep with Lindsey Lohan
2. Wash your hands at least once a week.
3. Don't sleep with Lindsey Lohan
4. Get plenty of vitamin C - a mimosa a day keeps the doctor away
5. Don't sleep with Lindsey Lohan
6. All children are walking germ amusement parks...lock them in the basement until flu season is over
7. Don't sleep with Lindsey Lohan, but if you must, Lysol first.

    You may not agree with Aunt Mark's suggestions and to that I say, "Let me help you with that rectal thermometer!...Vaseline? Nope...sorry...we are fresh out."