Two Plus Two Equals Forsight

Dear Potatobugs:

    So Auntie woke up this morning with what she thought was the worst case of writer's block ever. Turns, out, she just needed to control her cheese consumption for the weekend and stop treating cheddar as if it were the answer to all of the world's woes. So...I assume we all survived our weekends and are here to revel in the Packers victory ( a win that Auntie called, if you will remember) and since I have become an expert at making 50/50 predictions that seem to come true at least half of the time, I decided to unleash my psychic abilities on all of you with some of my premonitions.

1. The end of the world will happen in 2012...but that will only happen for those of you who are stupid enough to keep talking about how it is going to and wont shut about it. The rest of us, who don't put our eggs in the basket of a culture that died out way before their calendar did, are going to beat you to death with the champagne bottles we use to toast in 2013.

2. In the next year, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Charlie Sheen and Robert Downey Jr. will do something to publicly embarrass themselves. Honorable mention goes to Mel Gibson. One or all will return to rehab, except for Gibson, who is busy building his bunker to survive December, 2012.

3. Congress will continue to make partisan politics a priority, and we will continue to let them vote themselves raises even though their job evaluations continue to suck and in any other corporation, there would have been an overhaul by now.  How about restructuring and down-sizing the federal government...you know, like the rest of us (at their mercy) will continue to experience? 

4. Betty White will make another deal with the devil for an additional five years of publicity. In exchange for her services, she has to demon possess the people at Master Cuts and convince them to wrestle Justin Bieber to the ground and give him a crew cut so we can be sure he isn't really a lost Olson twin.

5. Twilight and Harry Potter will be the most successful films of 2011 because, even though we know they are going to be mediocre, we at least know what to expect and for $10 a movie ticket, we want no surprises.

6. The middle east will continue to be a place of turmoil and peace will not happen there...EVER...very similar situation happening in the U.S. Congress...see #3.  All that sand and very little beach..it confuses the mind. The real solution to Middle eastern  problems is that there are not enough water parks to distract everyone from fighting. Lets get a wave pool dug and few slides erected ASAP

7. The Bachelor will continue to be the most boring, slowly paced show on television, Jersey Shore the most insipid and Fox News the best scripted television soap opera.

8. Aunt Mark will continue to be ornery, opinionated and skeptical of her readers and their empty lives. Thank God for all of our boredom.  

A Fart in Church - The Shot Heard Round the World

Dear Potatobugs:

     I was chatting with a friend of mine a few days ago about how, in the middle of the most serious sitiations, it is impossible to maintain decorum and good judgement. Don't understand what I mean? Let's refer to this as the "Fart in Church" theory. Where "Pew" meets "P-ewwww."Think about it...everyone is sitting there being all reverent, trying to show respect and love for our maker, with a look of consternation that can only come from a liver complaint. Then ...some poor old man, who has been holding it in until his false teeth start flapping, suddenly bombs us in the middle of a moment of silence. You know you aren't supposed to laugh and yet, that is all you wanna do. You feel bad for the man, you feel terrible that you haven't shown the Lord more respect, but most of all, you feel sorry for the minister who has to try to reel the congregation back in with his limited bag of tricks (prayers and hymns) after a gas explosion has just taken out the organist and half the choir.

     What is it about our nature that we find humor in other people's pain? The German's call this "Schadenfreude, which is defined as "happiness at the misfortune of others" and it is amusing that we Americans don't have a word for it, since we seem to revel in it. Isn't it so much easier to let that friend walk around with that booger hanging from their nose because we are too embarrassed to tell them about it?...as if, somehow, our own humiliation is wrapped up in drawing attention to that pendulum of snot! How about watching someone slip on the ice? We all pretend to be really concerned and such, but isn't our first instinct to laugh a little...even if it is just on the inside? We are all hateful, miserable people and that is why I love America. Our first instinct is to laugh...almost always...and I think this is a good thing. Why do you think we enjoy shows like Jersey Shore and the Bachelor? We love laughing at the follies of others.

    So folks...fart in church when you need to. People will spend the rest of the day talking about how funny it was, and let's face it, the world can use a whole lot more humor as this is NOT a pretty place to be. If God created us in his image, he will be sniggering with the rest...and the next time you hear thunder, you know he's doing his share toward the effort of laughter. He likes us to be human and you know what, I think he'd like us to smile more. Even if, as they say about babies laughing,..."It's just gas."   

Dear Aunties and the Case of the Rash in the Panties

Dear PotatoBugs:

     As promised, this Friday marks Aunt Mark's weekly attempt at an advice column. Read on and enjoy. Maybe you will learn something...for a change...

My Dear Aunt Mark:

     I hate Valentine's Day too. One year, the jackass I used to be married to put one of those God-awful wire-stem, plastic-leaf, red velvety-ribbon fake-as-fake-gets red roses on the bathroom vanity so I'd be sure to find it when I went grouchy-faced downstairs in the morning to get ready for work. What a flipping jackass. We're not married anymore.

- The Dancing Divorcee

Dear Dancing Divorcee:

     Not that you need old Aunt Mark to tell you this, but it seems like you don't need any advice in this situation as you clearly took charge of your fate and dumped the "flipping jackass" in the ditch where he belonged. Where you went wrong was in not punishing him properly at the time to ensure he understood, for the future of all women he goes braying by, that fake roses say one thing: my ex wife smashed my balls with a mallot . At the very least, Dancing Divorcee, it was Valentine's Day and a Cupid's arrow right up the nether regions would have adjusted both his "attitude" and his wallet. You would have seen how quickly the Godiva chocolates and diamond rings would have been falling from the sky. But you did the right thing. Short of being reft of his family jewels, losing such a delightful prize as yourself should keep him tossing and turning at night and wondering when you are going to show up and claim what you foolishly left behind...Bobbit style.


Dear Auntie:

     My kids spend way too much time on their cell phones and internet. It seems we cannot get through a meal or a conversation without an interuption of beeps, texting and typing. What do I do?

- Slave of Technology

Dear Slave of Technology:

    Give me a damn break. You are not a slave of technology; you are a slave to your kids.Who pays for the cell phone and internet service? Just what I thought. Smash the damn cell phones and computers, buy them a nice stationary set and teach your kids to write a thank you note. They can start by writing to Aunt Mark and thanking her for giving them their lives back. You fool. 

Dear Auntie:

     I have a rash in an area that my bathing suit usually covers. It started out small, but it seems to have spread. I have used some topical creams and cornstarch, but nothing seems to make it stop. Do you have any old fashioned remedies for such a thing?

- Itchy and Scratchy:

Dear Itchy and Scratchy:

     The only home remedy I can think of is called "Not being a whore." However, assuming you are not of the Lindsey Lohan level of loss self-control, for God's sake get yourself to a doctor? Who the hell waits for a rash to spread? Next thing you'll be telling me is that you grabbed a Sharpee pen and played connect the dots. Corn starch is not going to do what antibiotics will in this situation.  

Aunt Mark would like to thank everyone who wrote in for this week's "Dear Auntie" column. Remember, Auntie will help you with your problems every Friday..and I will even be so kind as to make sure you remain anonymous by changing the names to protect the innocent.

Now start a clickin' those frickin' ads.


    

Free Stuff and the Crap We Accumulate

     Aunt Mark was having a bit of amusement over the way we will accpet anything free as if we are being offered gold, and then hold onto it with no idea how or if we will ever use it. Think about it...or better yet...go through your cupboards, purses, glove compartments and desk drawers and you will see EXACTLY what I mean. For example:

Restaurant Jelly Packets: When I was a wee one, it was exciting to grab a few of these for the road, to lick on the ride home. However, many of us have carried the habit of snatching a few of these "free' jellies for the road into our adulthood. In 30+ years of doing this, I have never once found myself in a situation where I needed an emergency orange marmalade to see me through the night. The same goes for catsup, mustard and mayo packets. In the end, I will always go to the fridge and get the jar or bottle, and forget about my pirate booty of Knotsberry Farms Red Raspberry. So why do we take the packets? The only time this is practical is if you are stealing Sweet and Low or Splenda, because that crap is expensive.

Hotel Soaps: Never has their been anything more annoying and less appealing than the hotel soap. When you are in a hotel and forced to shower with it, you spend have the time worrying you might lose that bar in some orifice or new crevice, yet we feel the need to stock up on these little hum dingers for future use. The thing is, they are perfumed in a way that screams cheap motel, and we will never use them for fear people will smell us and  think we live at the Super 8 or are at least making our living there.

Free Samples in Grocery Stores: Oh we get all excited over free samples, don't we? The fat-assed society that we are. WE may have just left McDonalds and a Big Mac lunch and now we are in he grocery store ready for round two, nibbling at this and that - all the stuff we will never buy because we know its going to be too expensive, but hell - Yoplait Yogurt Shakes - served in mini- medicine cups? Sign me up!!! Sodium saturated meat with a toothpick sticking out? That's just heaven.

Matches: In a world of Bic lighters and BBQ starters, is there any reason for people to even own matches anymore? They are useless if they get damp or sit for too long, but I bet everyone has three or four packets sitting in a drawer somewhere, telling yourself, "Well, if the lights go out, we have to be able to light the candles somehow!" Yet...when that occasion DOES happen, someone pulls out the mystical invention called the flashlight, finds a lighter and gets those candles going. At this point, matches in the drawer serve one purpose: and children aren't supposed to play with matches...are they? I wish the cast of Twilight would.

Airplane Snacks: In any other reality, we wouldn't give two figs about a bag of nuts or pretzels. We get closed in on an airplane and suddenly we are in a panic that this might be out last meal. On Terra firma, we wouldn't stress like this. In the air, unless we have our half-can of Canada Dry Ginger ale and our eight Planter's honey roasted peanuts, we fear some kind of catastrophe like the movie Alive! It's a three hour flight, people. On land we go that long between meals and the altitude doesn't suddenly slow down time.

     I could go on and on...we are monsters that can only be abated by the words "Free" and "Complimentary." We would take cans of kangaroo poo if they stood on the street corners and yelled "Free Samples." Try getting that smell out with a bar of hotel soap.

Reminder: Click your ads AND...tomorrow is Auntie's first "Dear Auntie" column. Get your letters in so that  I can offer my special brand of advice and wisdom. The services I offer.