Two Plus Two Equals Forsight

Dear Potatobugs:

    So Auntie woke up this morning with what she thought was the worst case of writer's block ever. Turns, out, she just needed to control her cheese consumption for the weekend and stop treating cheddar as if it were the answer to all of the world's woes. So...I assume we all survived our weekends and are here to revel in the Packers victory ( a win that Auntie called, if you will remember) and since I have become an expert at making 50/50 predictions that seem to come true at least half of the time, I decided to unleash my psychic abilities on all of you with some of my premonitions.

1. The end of the world will happen in 2012...but that will only happen for those of you who are stupid enough to keep talking about how it is going to and wont shut about it. The rest of us, who don't put our eggs in the basket of a culture that died out way before their calendar did, are going to beat you to death with the champagne bottles we use to toast in 2013.

2. In the next year, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Charlie Sheen and Robert Downey Jr. will do something to publicly embarrass themselves. Honorable mention goes to Mel Gibson. One or all will return to rehab, except for Gibson, who is busy building his bunker to survive December, 2012.

3. Congress will continue to make partisan politics a priority, and we will continue to let them vote themselves raises even though their job evaluations continue to suck and in any other corporation, there would have been an overhaul by now.  How about restructuring and down-sizing the federal government...you know, like the rest of us (at their mercy) will continue to experience? 

4. Betty White will make another deal with the devil for an additional five years of publicity. In exchange for her services, she has to demon possess the people at Master Cuts and convince them to wrestle Justin Bieber to the ground and give him a crew cut so we can be sure he isn't really a lost Olson twin.

5. Twilight and Harry Potter will be the most successful films of 2011 because, even though we know they are going to be mediocre, we at least know what to expect and for $10 a movie ticket, we want no surprises.

6. The middle east will continue to be a place of turmoil and peace will not happen there...EVER...very similar situation happening in the U.S. Congress...see #3.  All that sand and very little beach..it confuses the mind. The real solution to Middle eastern  problems is that there are not enough water parks to distract everyone from fighting. Lets get a wave pool dug and few slides erected ASAP

7. The Bachelor will continue to be the most boring, slowly paced show on television, Jersey Shore the most insipid and Fox News the best scripted television soap opera.

8. Aunt Mark will continue to be ornery, opinionated and skeptical of her readers and their empty lives. Thank God for all of our boredom.  

Dear Aunties and the Case of the Rash in the Panties

Dear PotatoBugs:

     As promised, this Friday marks Aunt Mark's weekly attempt at an advice column. Read on and enjoy. Maybe you will learn something...for a change...

My Dear Aunt Mark:

     I hate Valentine's Day too. One year, the jackass I used to be married to put one of those God-awful wire-stem, plastic-leaf, red velvety-ribbon fake-as-fake-gets red roses on the bathroom vanity so I'd be sure to find it when I went grouchy-faced downstairs in the morning to get ready for work. What a flipping jackass. We're not married anymore.

- The Dancing Divorcee

Dear Dancing Divorcee:

     Not that you need old Aunt Mark to tell you this, but it seems like you don't need any advice in this situation as you clearly took charge of your fate and dumped the "flipping jackass" in the ditch where he belonged. Where you went wrong was in not punishing him properly at the time to ensure he understood, for the future of all women he goes braying by, that fake roses say one thing: my ex wife smashed my balls with a mallot . At the very least, Dancing Divorcee, it was Valentine's Day and a Cupid's arrow right up the nether regions would have adjusted both his "attitude" and his wallet. You would have seen how quickly the Godiva chocolates and diamond rings would have been falling from the sky. But you did the right thing. Short of being reft of his family jewels, losing such a delightful prize as yourself should keep him tossing and turning at night and wondering when you are going to show up and claim what you foolishly left behind...Bobbit style.


Dear Auntie:

     My kids spend way too much time on their cell phones and internet. It seems we cannot get through a meal or a conversation without an interuption of beeps, texting and typing. What do I do?

- Slave of Technology

Dear Slave of Technology:

    Give me a damn break. You are not a slave of technology; you are a slave to your kids.Who pays for the cell phone and internet service? Just what I thought. Smash the damn cell phones and computers, buy them a nice stationary set and teach your kids to write a thank you note. They can start by writing to Aunt Mark and thanking her for giving them their lives back. You fool. 

Dear Auntie:

     I have a rash in an area that my bathing suit usually covers. It started out small, but it seems to have spread. I have used some topical creams and cornstarch, but nothing seems to make it stop. Do you have any old fashioned remedies for such a thing?

- Itchy and Scratchy:

Dear Itchy and Scratchy:

     The only home remedy I can think of is called "Not being a whore." However, assuming you are not of the Lindsey Lohan level of loss self-control, for God's sake get yourself to a doctor? Who the hell waits for a rash to spread? Next thing you'll be telling me is that you grabbed a Sharpee pen and played connect the dots. Corn starch is not going to do what antibiotics will in this situation.  

Aunt Mark would like to thank everyone who wrote in for this week's "Dear Auntie" column. Remember, Auntie will help you with your problems every Friday..and I will even be so kind as to make sure you remain anonymous by changing the names to protect the innocent.

Now start a clickin' those frickin' ads.