Dear Aunties and the Case of the Rash in the Panties

Dear PotatoBugs:

     As promised, this Friday marks Aunt Mark's weekly attempt at an advice column. Read on and enjoy. Maybe you will learn something...for a change...

My Dear Aunt Mark:

     I hate Valentine's Day too. One year, the jackass I used to be married to put one of those God-awful wire-stem, plastic-leaf, red velvety-ribbon fake-as-fake-gets red roses on the bathroom vanity so I'd be sure to find it when I went grouchy-faced downstairs in the morning to get ready for work. What a flipping jackass. We're not married anymore.

- The Dancing Divorcee

Dear Dancing Divorcee:

     Not that you need old Aunt Mark to tell you this, but it seems like you don't need any advice in this situation as you clearly took charge of your fate and dumped the "flipping jackass" in the ditch where he belonged. Where you went wrong was in not punishing him properly at the time to ensure he understood, for the future of all women he goes braying by, that fake roses say one thing: my ex wife smashed my balls with a mallot . At the very least, Dancing Divorcee, it was Valentine's Day and a Cupid's arrow right up the nether regions would have adjusted both his "attitude" and his wallet. You would have seen how quickly the Godiva chocolates and diamond rings would have been falling from the sky. But you did the right thing. Short of being reft of his family jewels, losing such a delightful prize as yourself should keep him tossing and turning at night and wondering when you are going to show up and claim what you foolishly left behind...Bobbit style.


Dear Auntie:

     My kids spend way too much time on their cell phones and internet. It seems we cannot get through a meal or a conversation without an interuption of beeps, texting and typing. What do I do?

- Slave of Technology

Dear Slave of Technology:

    Give me a damn break. You are not a slave of technology; you are a slave to your kids.Who pays for the cell phone and internet service? Just what I thought. Smash the damn cell phones and computers, buy them a nice stationary set and teach your kids to write a thank you note. They can start by writing to Aunt Mark and thanking her for giving them their lives back. You fool. 

Dear Auntie:

     I have a rash in an area that my bathing suit usually covers. It started out small, but it seems to have spread. I have used some topical creams and cornstarch, but nothing seems to make it stop. Do you have any old fashioned remedies for such a thing?

- Itchy and Scratchy:

Dear Itchy and Scratchy:

     The only home remedy I can think of is called "Not being a whore." However, assuming you are not of the Lindsey Lohan level of loss self-control, for God's sake get yourself to a doctor? Who the hell waits for a rash to spread? Next thing you'll be telling me is that you grabbed a Sharpee pen and played connect the dots. Corn starch is not going to do what antibiotics will in this situation.  

Aunt Mark would like to thank everyone who wrote in for this week's "Dear Auntie" column. Remember, Auntie will help you with your problems every Friday..and I will even be so kind as to make sure you remain anonymous by changing the names to protect the innocent.

Now start a clickin' those frickin' ads.


    

Aunt Mark's Cupid Hits the Valentine's Mark

Dear Potatobugs:

     Auntie has her nickers twist. I don't care if I say it, but I I am GOING to say it: I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY!!! No...it has nothing to do with me being bitter and pissy over the fact that Brad Pitt has yet to acknowledge my existence or that, as the years go by, the floral delivery truck whizzes by without one lopsided carnation for me. I don't even hate Valentine's Day because it is the most commercialized and fabricated of all holidays ( unless you count Flag Day). Actually, Auntie is disgusted how with how poorly commercialized Valentine's Day has become. Have you seen (or worse, tasted) the crap they are peddling for Valentine's Day as a way to tell people you love them? If that's how you feel, please send cash.

      The worst Valentine's gift to give someone is those little hearts with cutey pie sayings on them. That's right people, say it with chalk. Who in God's name decided the best way to tell people you love them is with these nasty little notes that are flavored like your English teacher's blackboard. Unless your sweetie is suffering from Pica, why would you do this?

      Valentine cards for kids are the biggest rip off of all. Pay $5.99 or more so your kid can send pictures of Sponge Bob, Shrek or Justin Bieber printed on flimsy paper with envelopes that are so thing, just licking them to seal them turns them into a spit wad. I know..I know...its the thought that counts. Think harder.

     Balloon Bouquets - if you don't want to be romantic and send roses, then don't bother with Valentine's Day. Balloon bouquets are the easy out to say "I really enjoy you and I am glad we get to screw regularly, but I have no serious intentions where you are concerned." If god had intended Balloon bouquets to be given on this holy day, he would have filled roses with helium. If you are giving a Balloon arrangement this holiday, send penicillin as well. Nothing says VD like Valentine's Day.

     Dinner at a chain restaurant. Never do this. Applebees, Chili's, TGI Fridays do not say "romantic." They barely say "edible" on most days. For god's sake, take your loved one someplace where coupons are not accepted and you can't order an appetizer, entree and dessert as part of one price.

      So...I know you all love Aunt Mark and are going to shower her with Valentine's gifts, so I will be blunt and tell you exactly what I want. Any deviation from this will result in punishment involving a rusty spoon and your eye. I want a dozen, long stem roses, a box of Godiva truffles, and Jensen Ackles diapered up in a Cupid costume. I can handle the rest.