Two Plus Two Equals Forsight

Dear Potatobugs:

    So Auntie woke up this morning with what she thought was the worst case of writer's block ever. Turns, out, she just needed to control her cheese consumption for the weekend and stop treating cheddar as if it were the answer to all of the world's woes. So...I assume we all survived our weekends and are here to revel in the Packers victory ( a win that Auntie called, if you will remember) and since I have become an expert at making 50/50 predictions that seem to come true at least half of the time, I decided to unleash my psychic abilities on all of you with some of my premonitions.

1. The end of the world will happen in 2012...but that will only happen for those of you who are stupid enough to keep talking about how it is going to and wont shut about it. The rest of us, who don't put our eggs in the basket of a culture that died out way before their calendar did, are going to beat you to death with the champagne bottles we use to toast in 2013.

2. In the next year, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Charlie Sheen and Robert Downey Jr. will do something to publicly embarrass themselves. Honorable mention goes to Mel Gibson. One or all will return to rehab, except for Gibson, who is busy building his bunker to survive December, 2012.

3. Congress will continue to make partisan politics a priority, and we will continue to let them vote themselves raises even though their job evaluations continue to suck and in any other corporation, there would have been an overhaul by now.  How about restructuring and down-sizing the federal government...you know, like the rest of us (at their mercy) will continue to experience? 

4. Betty White will make another deal with the devil for an additional five years of publicity. In exchange for her services, she has to demon possess the people at Master Cuts and convince them to wrestle Justin Bieber to the ground and give him a crew cut so we can be sure he isn't really a lost Olson twin.

5. Twilight and Harry Potter will be the most successful films of 2011 because, even though we know they are going to be mediocre, we at least know what to expect and for $10 a movie ticket, we want no surprises.

6. The middle east will continue to be a place of turmoil and peace will not happen there...EVER...very similar situation happening in the U.S. Congress...see #3.  All that sand and very little beach..it confuses the mind. The real solution to Middle eastern  problems is that there are not enough water parks to distract everyone from fighting. Lets get a wave pool dug and few slides erected ASAP

7. The Bachelor will continue to be the most boring, slowly paced show on television, Jersey Shore the most insipid and Fox News the best scripted television soap opera.

8. Aunt Mark will continue to be ornery, opinionated and skeptical of her readers and their empty lives. Thank God for all of our boredom.  

Auntie's Horrible Secret Revealed

Dear Potatobugs:

    Aunt Mark is writing a confess-all today about one of my secret addictions. After berating Super Bowl watchers and Jersey Shore viewers for weeks, it is time for me to put my own ass on the chopping block and call myself out for my own stupidity. I have already shared with you my deep rooted love affair with food, but there is something else I must admit to that sets my pacemaker to dancing at a rhumba tempo: Office Supplies. I do not know what is is about them, but I just cannot get enough of them. When I was a child, shopping for school supplies was THE most exciting part about going back to school in the Fall. I would pace the school supplies aisle at Ames or Jamesway, checking out all of the Trapper Keepers trying to decide which groovy version I was going with that year. The right pens, the righ folders, the perfect pencil case. I once had a pencil case that looked like a small Chips Ahoy box! Talk about combining two of my addictions into one.

     As an adult, this fascination has been exacerbated by the creation of such stores as Office Max and Michaels. I can literally get dizzy over holding a pack of multi-colored Sharpee Pens. There is something about being able to permanently label things in Aqua Green ink that I find titillating. Hell..I think I had an orgasm once when I found three-pronged folders for sale 10/$1.00. Is it right for an old lady to leak a little pee over Wal-Marts yearly school supply sale where she stocks up on markers, glue, tape and spiral notebooks? The worst part about this addiction is, once purchased, there is something about the perfection of brand new, unopened school supplies, that I spend months resiting their use just to keep them looking pristine. As a result, I have boxes full of unopened school supplies that just sit there. I need to know: what is wrong with me?  I cannot even begin to figure out where this addiction started or why? Was I sniffing White-Out at an early age? Was I denied rulers and Bic pens at early age? I just know that a woman of my age should not be pining away for the days when we had the lollipop pens, with the stem as the pen and candy as the cap, that wrote in colored ink and smelled of the flavor that went with that color. I lay in bed at night, falling asleep, dreaming of such things.

And as for the Super Bowl...Auntie is picking the Packers...she finds their name....worthy of pee leakage.

Dear Auntie and the Case of the Wrong Entrance and the Karma for Co-Workers

Dear Auntie,

My boyfriend & I have been together for over a year and are looking to "step it up" in the bedroom.  He really wants to try something "different", you know...in thru the out door....  I am willing to try but I have large, bleeding hemorrhoids and I'm worried they'll ruin the experience for both of us.  Do you have any suggestions?

Thank you,
Speed-bump

Dear Bumpy:

     First of all...WTF? Girls...this is not something we do unless jewelry has been received, and I don't mean some piece of Avon crap. Second of all, this is not Jersey Shore, so unless sponsors are paying you to publicly debase yourself, I suggest sticking to things like French maids' uniforms and re-runs of Benny Hill to get you both excited. However...if the Hershey Highway TRULY appeals to you, I do NOT suggest starting that kind of fun with a case of the piles. Preparation H is no K-Y Jelly, and you remember that!  


Dear Aunt Mark,

I hate my immediate supervisor and wish I could tell her to shove it where the sun doesn't shine.  I'd be in a lot of trouble if I did, though, and don't have an alternative career lined up.  What should I do?  Please don't use my real name.  She might be trolling around and see this, and I want to have a good weekend.

Signed,
Iwanna Kwit
Dear Iwanna:

     We are all subject to supervisors that make our skin crawl and our teeth clench, and unfortunately life doesn't offer us too many LEGAL choices for rectifying the situation. I assume you have ruled out looking into any mob ties your family might have, so your next best option is indirect torture. Since your feelings and hard work are not being directly acknowledged at work, then indirectly retaliate. Put messages in his or her mailbox requesting them to return calls to people they can't stand, only to make those calls and find themselves stuck talking to them with no idea what the call was for. Carefully placed thumb tacks in seats and "kick me" signs may SEEM juvenile, but it is all about wearing down their self-worth ...and what better way to do that than force them to return to their high school insecurities. You are never going to feel okay  just keeping your mouth shut, so plan some kind of untraceable revenge that you can witness, but not have to take responsibility for.      

A Fart in Church - The Shot Heard Round the World

Dear Potatobugs:

     I was chatting with a friend of mine a few days ago about how, in the middle of the most serious sitiations, it is impossible to maintain decorum and good judgement. Don't understand what I mean? Let's refer to this as the "Fart in Church" theory. Where "Pew" meets "P-ewwww."Think about it...everyone is sitting there being all reverent, trying to show respect and love for our maker, with a look of consternation that can only come from a liver complaint. Then ...some poor old man, who has been holding it in until his false teeth start flapping, suddenly bombs us in the middle of a moment of silence. You know you aren't supposed to laugh and yet, that is all you wanna do. You feel bad for the man, you feel terrible that you haven't shown the Lord more respect, but most of all, you feel sorry for the minister who has to try to reel the congregation back in with his limited bag of tricks (prayers and hymns) after a gas explosion has just taken out the organist and half the choir.

     What is it about our nature that we find humor in other people's pain? The German's call this "Schadenfreude, which is defined as "happiness at the misfortune of others" and it is amusing that we Americans don't have a word for it, since we seem to revel in it. Isn't it so much easier to let that friend walk around with that booger hanging from their nose because we are too embarrassed to tell them about it?...as if, somehow, our own humiliation is wrapped up in drawing attention to that pendulum of snot! How about watching someone slip on the ice? We all pretend to be really concerned and such, but isn't our first instinct to laugh a little...even if it is just on the inside? We are all hateful, miserable people and that is why I love America. Our first instinct is to laugh...almost always...and I think this is a good thing. Why do you think we enjoy shows like Jersey Shore and the Bachelor? We love laughing at the follies of others.

    So folks...fart in church when you need to. People will spend the rest of the day talking about how funny it was, and let's face it, the world can use a whole lot more humor as this is NOT a pretty place to be. If God created us in his image, he will be sniggering with the rest...and the next time you hear thunder, you know he's doing his share toward the effort of laughter. He likes us to be human and you know what, I think he'd like us to smile more. Even if, as they say about babies laughing,..."It's just gas."   

Auntie Mark ...Better Late Than Pregnant

Dear Potato Bugs:

      I know...I know...I'm late to post today. Give me a break...those of us who provide public services have a right to sleep in now and again, then wake up, get dressed, take a fifty from his wallet and make the march of shame back to my place. Auntie had a long day yesterday on the Metro North railroad, taking a little jaunt north to have lunch with mumsy, and along the way I got a that red hot poker to the eye that is the hideous misconception that people refer to as "decorating their yards."

      Aunt Mark understands leaving your holiday lights up all year; as a matter of fact, I appreciate it. I think there is something festive about spending the Fourth of July with visions of fireworks dancing in my head. I also don't care what color you paint your house: if you are really unbalanced enough to paint your house fuchsia or chartreuse, I think it better that you do and screw the zoning laws. Those laws are doing one thing, and that is hiding the crazies in your neighborhood. I like crazy painted bright pink and covered with lights, so I can keep my eye on it. But that is just me.

     No...what I am talking about mostly is the people who plant flowers in absurd items like bathtubs and toilets. Who in God's name told people that it was a cute idea to paint a bathtub lemon yellow with lavender flowers on it and fill it with Morning Glories? The only thing I will ever plant in a toilet comes after a long dance with a diuretic and a large-print edition of Reader's Digest. Talk about a rock garden.

       I even saw a yard where some out-of-work musician planted a sunflower in a tuba! In a TUBA folks. I am pretty sure a tuba sells for several thousand dollars, so why wouldn't you put it on eBay instead of looking at it and saying, "Golly...that looks like a groovy place for an herb garden."    

      People...your yard is NOT the place to become creative with old appliances and useless bric-a-brac.You can't make a wishing well out of an old laundry basket, a rolling pin and a rusty paint can. If you can, save this kind of inspiration for scrap booking, where doing screwed up things with pictures of your family is not only acceptable, but encouraged.  

Bieber in 3 -D??? Vomit in 4 -D

Dear Potato Bugs:

    What is it with the rash of films coming out that are glorified music concerts featuring superstars in 3-D? I can see the fun of an action film in 3 -D: things flying at you fast, near misses, that sort of thing. But what can one possibly gain from seeing Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber singing their empty pop crap in 3-D? The only person they could possibly be catering to is the deaf pederast...and frankly, I don't think we should be making movies for them. There are, however, some acts I think might benefit from the 3-D experience.

1. Gallagher: The fruit smashing fruit. I have no idea why this guy's destruction of watermelons has become an exciting way to pass the time, but I suppose airborne watermelon seeds flying at you might create the illusion of near misses. When he does his own balls, then we'll talk.

2. Dolly Parton: I think that goes without saying.

3. Pee-Wee Herman. We all know what Pee-Wee likes to do in the movie theatre right? Okay...go with me on this....what if we made a movie called "Pee-Wee Goes to the Movies" and filmed him at his "best?" Then produce it in 3-D, he can sit in the front row and watch himself while...just make sure the 3-D glasses come with a zamboni towel.

4.  Jersey Shore -in 3 -D. I don't think anything would be more fun than to watch these people piss themselves, drown in their own vomit and treat venereal diseases in 3-D. I think it adds a certain Schadenfeude to the festivities. I'm convinced if we saw the show in 3-D that the Situation's abs would reveal themselves to be painted on.

5.  The United States Government. Aunt Mark would pay anything to see these people capable of depth. Maybe 3-D glasses are the only way to get what we need out of them? Food for thought.

Camel Toes and Tobacco Woes

Dear Potatobugs:

      Aunt Mark was visiting the Wal-Mart the other day and I am seriously concerned about the direction our country is taking. Let’s face it – Wal-Mart IS a microcosm of our society and that picture is looking more like a Salvadore Dali painting every day. I am going to begin by stating some rules that I think should go without saying, but somehow, in Wal-Mart, they seem to have been forgotten.

1. If you weigh 200 pounds or more, skin-tight, light pink stretch pants are not a good idea. Watching you pick out your Chips Ahoy and Toaster Pastries, I do not NEED to see camel toe smiling back at me.

2. Shop like you drive a car folks. Right side of the aisle, only!!! Down the left is annoying and down the center will get my foot down the center of your skull. I will teach you some consideration!

3. When we are picking through the $5 movie bin together, don’t you dare throw the ones you’ve looked at in the hole that I am working on. We all know the best movie in the world is just waiting for us in the bottom of that thing, so quit hurling your copies of Cruel Intentions 2 and Operation Dumbo Drop into my workspace.   

4. Speaking of the cheap movie bin, would it really be all that hard to put them on a shelf where we can read the spines and speed up the process? I mean, for God’s sake, they cram that store with extra shelving during the holiday season. Take the one you use for holiday Chia Pet displays and set the cheapy flicks up on it. I can easily lose an hour of my life in that Black Hole of Calcutta: a half-hour looking for one GOOD movie and a half-hour trying to make my way to the surface.

5.  Instead of doing their little pre-opening cheerlead with the staff, how about a few training session in speed and how to use the cash register? Auntie has stood there in line watching some little old cashier lady ring 24 candles up individually. Even I know you hit “Quantity,” then “24,” then you scan one candle and bag them all. Hold up…never mind, with the years ya wait in line, you’ll need those candles for your next birthday cake.

6. You can bitch all you want about smoking, but those of us who enjoy a ciggy butt now and again know the good of it! Aunt Mark likes a nice big cigar before bed (but enough of my euphemisms for sex). Back to the problem: Don’t have one tobacco counter. Don’t make us have to come to you to get our fix.

We’re smokers, we can’t walk that far. We are easily winded. If you are that worried about us stealing them (and at $10 a pack, we will), drive around in a little pope mobile with a glass dome on it filled with cigarettes. At ten dollars a pack, you can afford to pay the old guy who hands out smiley face stickers to children to drive it.

7. Stop selling Justin Bieber nonsense. The world does not need his face everywhere. I get that the pre-teens like to have him on a school folder or a lunch box, but do I really need a Bieber lawn chair? If you really wanna make my day, slap his mug on a roll of toilet paper or an enema bag.

                Wal-Mart is a ridiculous place to shop and if their prices weren’t so much better than everywhere else, we’d never go. Ahhh…thank goodness for scab wages and cheaply made crap.     

Nick at Nite Notes

     Aunt Mark, as you all well know, loves to stay up late watching old sitcoms on Nick at Nite and TV Land. There is a nostalgia that comes from re-watching old favorites from yesteryear like All in the Family, The Golden Girls, Mary Tyler Moore and The Nanny. However, I have noticed a few peculiarities within these sitcoms worlds and once i have pointed them out, you are never going to watch television the same way again!

1. Have you ever noticed that, when beverages are poured in a sitcom, they are never poured higher than the halfway mark on the glass or cup? Are sitcom actors notorious klutzes and they are afraid of spillage, or are sitcom budgets that small they can only afford a half of a cup of beverage? Think about it, The Golden Girls have company and Blanche offers her guest " a nice, cool glass of lemonade" only to give him three swallows. It happens every time. I'd tell my host to stick that drink where the sun don't shine. Hospitality = FULL GLASS of lemonade.

2. Sitcom grocery stores. Now, unless you are in a mini mart or a bodega, you should not be able to buy napkins, canned peas, triscuits and corn flakes in the same aisle. However, in sitcom grocery stores there is always a random smattering of everything a person could possibly want in one aisle. Ronzoni, toothpaste and fresh produce, all within arm's reach.Then one of the characters talks about needing something over in Aisle 2. What are they getting over there? We never see them go there and all the food is in their current aisle. What else can it be? Snow tires and charcoal briquettes?

3. Sitcom "messy" houses. Anyone who has kids will be the first to tell you that a sitcom messy living room is nowhere near reality. A few toys and clothes strewn about is not what a child-ransacked living room looks like, people. In the real world there would be food and drink mess, dirt, arts and craft supplies, body fluids, body parts. In a sitcom, they always wander through with an empty laundry basket, sighing and bitching about the mess. If it were only that easy of loading that basket. We all know better, don't we? There will be sweat and tears cleaning up a real mess.

4. Everyone gets up in the morning looking like a million dollars, and will almost always say "I need to do something with myself before I can go out." Please, if I looked half as good as Fran Drescher or Rue McClanahan when they come to breakfast, I'd be thrilled. Aunt Mark, with no makeup on, curlers in, one eye crusted shut and a bathrobe stained with coffee, wanders out of the bedroom stinking of Ben Gay and stale sex. You never see this on the sitcoms. Even when they are trying to look like this, all they do is squint their eyes and hang their mouth open.  

5. Everything always ends in happy-ever-after with families hugging and loving each other. I'm sorry, in my house growing up, we didn't all hold hands and sing "Kumbaya" as part of some conflict resolution mediation. As our days ended we went to our respective bedrooms, muttering under our breaths, plotting revenge and reveling in our contempt for the world.

You'd think television was opposed to presenting reality. Thank god we have shows like Jersey Shore and the Bachelor to show us what REALITY is all about.  -

Love ya all,

Auntie

Don't forget to click your ads for today!!!!! 

Aunt Mark's Winter Blahs and How They Chap Her Nether Regions

Aunt Mark HATES January and pretty much carries that sentiment through the absurdity of Valentine's Day and well up until Easter when the good Lord died for out sins and was resurrected to help decorate eggs.These post Holiday blahs have me so chapped in my begonias that I have even stopped caring about Prince William and Kate's wedding. Eh...what does it matter..the whole thing looks like a ROYAL pain in the ass with a queen taking a queen, so to speak. But...I digress...as usual...

       So...how do we find a way to take flight a la Mary Martin and fly past these blues? What magical pixie dust sends us aloft and makes us forget our troubles...other than liquor and pills, that is? Well...Aunt Mark is going to give you her top ten suggestions for getting you through the icy cold with the warm sensation of Rum Toddies leaking down your nether regions.

1. Watch the 700 Club and make a drinking game out of it. Everytime someone says "family values," slap your significant other and down a tequila shot in honor of the fact that you KNOW the true meaning of "family values" and you don't rely on the narrow definition by the christian right. If you've slept with it...it's a tax deduction.

2. Take Up a New Hobby. You'd be amazed the new lease on life things like scrapbooking, stamp collecting and sado masochism can give you, if you are just willing to step outside your comfort zone. Aunt Mark has just tried on her new leather thigh highs and oiled her riding crop. Now...to just get some stamps.

3. Try Watching Some New TV Shows. So you have seen all the usual crap and most of that is in reruns...try watching the stuff that will be canceled by next Fall so you can better appreciate the shit you watch now when it DOES return next month with "All new Episodes." Please to God...people...WATCH SOMETHING BESIDES JERSEY SHORE!  Between Snookie and the Situation, I am convinced that NJ is STILL the most polluted state in the U.S.

4. Make Several Phone Calls to Your State Senator and Representative - It is time we irritate the hell out of these people and get them to start listening to us. Who among us TRULY believes that their politician in Washington is doing what we need and want? If we badger them with letters, calls and the occasional stalking, they have to take us seriously. Even better, I say "Aunt Mark for president in 2012"...you wanna see nothing get done in style, set me up with bean bag chair and a wii in the oval offfice.

5. Shave Spots On Your Body You've Never Dared Try: Okay...Okay...I know you are titillated by the image of Aunt Mark with her legs over head, support hose tangled and the used Epilady she picked up at a garage sale positioned ever so carefully in her begonia field...but lets face it gals...there is something about the smoothness of the body that is made all the more bracing with the Winter air.

6. Sunbathe -Go out in your front yard, spread out a blanket, lay down in a bikini and pretend to be Summer suntanning. You'll be delighted at the number of second looks you get from neighbors...and this gives you a chance to show off your new flower patch. Aunt Mark tried this last February and there was a six car pileup...most from the fact that she had her bikini top on backwards. A raisin the sun.

7. Read a Book - There are plenty of books just lying around your house that you have been meaning to get to. Tess of the D'Urbervilles, Great Expectations, Cather in the Rye. I read the Phone Book last Winter and was surprised at how well it held up since its first printing over 100 years ago. Not much on plot, but the cast of characters is rich and varied.      

8. Make Out With Your Mail Delivery Person - Let's face it, they have a shitty job and you have a shitty life...so why not at least be guaranteed a "package delivery" everyday?

9.Exercise. So endorphins are supposed to make us feel better. So why don't they kick in just a tad sooner than when the workout is over so we fell like sticking with it? I once read about this woman who had orgasms everytime she did sit ups or jumping jacks. If that were the case, Aunt Mark would have a six pack as she would be exercising in her sleep. As it is...exercise for me is walking to the pantry to get bowl of Fruity Pebbles.

10. Make sure you read your Aunt Mark.  When she has one of her funny days, she's a hell of a blast to be with. Okay...so today she's in a pissy mood today and the humor isn't flowing like it usually does, but since I don't hear whether you laugh or not, why should I give a rat's ass? Just keep reading...cuz I am bound to find the G-spot of humor again!