Auntie Goes Cruising

Dear Potatobugs:

     Auntie woke up this morning feeling a bit out of sorts. The crick in my neck is getting worse and my bad knee is swollen and atingle with the pleasures of arthritis. It is so easy to get out of bed in the morning and let our physical pains, our emotional insecurities and the problems of the day before get us down before we even try to tackle the pains, problems and emotions of today. What we need is a little vacation from ourselves, so Auntie is closing her eyes today and imagining herself on a Carnival Cruise.

     Let me start out by saying that, if Kathy Lee Gifford gets all up in my business singing show tunes before this thing even begins, there will be a drowning on dry land before she even makes it up the gangway ramp. That being said, Aunt Mark has donned her mu mu, big floppy sun hat and pair of thong sandals and intends to take up permanent residence at those cruise buffet tables you hear about. Now...I have never been on a cruise, but legend has it that eating is something of a marathon on these things...or at least can be. And since I will never be able to run a REAL marathon, eating my way through a faux luau seems like a fair exchange.

     What else can old Aunt Mark do on a cruise? I don't like shuffleboard....its like silent bowling. Ever since my thong bikini made its appearance in the public pool, Aunt Mark wont be caught dead in the shipboard hot tub (I can still hear the laughs of my proctologist when he had to go in and find it's remnants). So what else is there to do on a cruise? How am I supposed to imagine and escape if all I can think of is sitting and eating? Hell...we don't even stop at a port long enough to enjoy a decent shark attack!!! What is a girl supposed to do? 

     As you can see, my imagination can only take me so far on a cruise. I guess there is no escape from these pains, problems and emotions called life, so imagining a cruise seems somewhat fruitless...wait...is that...yes it is...Andy Rooney in a speedo??? Things are looking up for me...and they will be for him, too..after I slip a Viagra into his Mai-tai. Geriatric roofies.

Two Plus Two Equals Forsight

Dear Potatobugs:

    So Auntie woke up this morning with what she thought was the worst case of writer's block ever. Turns, out, she just needed to control her cheese consumption for the weekend and stop treating cheddar as if it were the answer to all of the world's woes. So...I assume we all survived our weekends and are here to revel in the Packers victory ( a win that Auntie called, if you will remember) and since I have become an expert at making 50/50 predictions that seem to come true at least half of the time, I decided to unleash my psychic abilities on all of you with some of my premonitions.

1. The end of the world will happen in 2012...but that will only happen for those of you who are stupid enough to keep talking about how it is going to and wont shut about it. The rest of us, who don't put our eggs in the basket of a culture that died out way before their calendar did, are going to beat you to death with the champagne bottles we use to toast in 2013.

2. In the next year, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Charlie Sheen and Robert Downey Jr. will do something to publicly embarrass themselves. Honorable mention goes to Mel Gibson. One or all will return to rehab, except for Gibson, who is busy building his bunker to survive December, 2012.

3. Congress will continue to make partisan politics a priority, and we will continue to let them vote themselves raises even though their job evaluations continue to suck and in any other corporation, there would have been an overhaul by now.  How about restructuring and down-sizing the federal government...you know, like the rest of us (at their mercy) will continue to experience? 

4. Betty White will make another deal with the devil for an additional five years of publicity. In exchange for her services, she has to demon possess the people at Master Cuts and convince them to wrestle Justin Bieber to the ground and give him a crew cut so we can be sure he isn't really a lost Olson twin.

5. Twilight and Harry Potter will be the most successful films of 2011 because, even though we know they are going to be mediocre, we at least know what to expect and for $10 a movie ticket, we want no surprises.

6. The middle east will continue to be a place of turmoil and peace will not happen there...EVER...very similar situation happening in the U.S. Congress...see #3.  All that sand and very little beach..it confuses the mind. The real solution to Middle eastern  problems is that there are not enough water parks to distract everyone from fighting. Lets get a wave pool dug and few slides erected ASAP

7. The Bachelor will continue to be the most boring, slowly paced show on television, Jersey Shore the most insipid and Fox News the best scripted television soap opera.

8. Aunt Mark will continue to be ornery, opinionated and skeptical of her readers and their empty lives. Thank God for all of our boredom.  

Auntie's Horrible Secret Revealed

Dear Potatobugs:

    Aunt Mark is writing a confess-all today about one of my secret addictions. After berating Super Bowl watchers and Jersey Shore viewers for weeks, it is time for me to put my own ass on the chopping block and call myself out for my own stupidity. I have already shared with you my deep rooted love affair with food, but there is something else I must admit to that sets my pacemaker to dancing at a rhumba tempo: Office Supplies. I do not know what is is about them, but I just cannot get enough of them. When I was a child, shopping for school supplies was THE most exciting part about going back to school in the Fall. I would pace the school supplies aisle at Ames or Jamesway, checking out all of the Trapper Keepers trying to decide which groovy version I was going with that year. The right pens, the righ folders, the perfect pencil case. I once had a pencil case that looked like a small Chips Ahoy box! Talk about combining two of my addictions into one.

     As an adult, this fascination has been exacerbated by the creation of such stores as Office Max and Michaels. I can literally get dizzy over holding a pack of multi-colored Sharpee Pens. There is something about being able to permanently label things in Aqua Green ink that I find titillating. Hell..I think I had an orgasm once when I found three-pronged folders for sale 10/$1.00. Is it right for an old lady to leak a little pee over Wal-Marts yearly school supply sale where she stocks up on markers, glue, tape and spiral notebooks? The worst part about this addiction is, once purchased, there is something about the perfection of brand new, unopened school supplies, that I spend months resiting their use just to keep them looking pristine. As a result, I have boxes full of unopened school supplies that just sit there. I need to know: what is wrong with me?  I cannot even begin to figure out where this addiction started or why? Was I sniffing White-Out at an early age? Was I denied rulers and Bic pens at early age? I just know that a woman of my age should not be pining away for the days when we had the lollipop pens, with the stem as the pen and candy as the cap, that wrote in colored ink and smelled of the flavor that went with that color. I lay in bed at night, falling asleep, dreaming of such things.

And as for the Super Bowl...Auntie is picking the Packers...she finds their name....worthy of pee leakage.

Aunt Mark Puts Her Knee to Your Footballs

Dear Potatobugs:

    I know this article will get many of you all in a dither with me, but I have never stopped at priopriety before, so why begin now? I do not understand the United State's fascination with professional football and I never will. To me, the whole thing amounts to a field full of overpaid neanderthals chasing a big, shiny brown thing (we can't really call it a ball when it is shaped like Stewie Griffin'shead)  from one end to another in an effort to increase their odds of brain injury. How is it even fair to pin teams against one another when some are rich and can afford to pay the best players and others must settle for bottom of the barrel? It seems to me that we could spend our time more effectively watching paint dry...but, I am not one to burst anyone's balloons and I understand that, for many of you, the countdown to the Superbowl is like a six-month advent with the half-time show and commercials serving as some sort of Holiday spectacular.

     The real problem, America, is that we as a culture like reasons to drink, gamble and scream...and professional sports give us the opportunity to act on these vices and not feel guilty for them. How we haven't worked sex into the day is beyond me...but I am sure it is coming. Even I, Aunt Mark, look forward to those Superbowl parties for the simple fact that there will be chili, dip and pizza to cater to my vice: food. So...as you get yourself trashed tomorrow, lose your paycheck betting on the Steelers or scream yourself hoarse for the Packers, all while downing Cool Ranch Doritos and Nacho Cheese, remeber that, somewhere on that field a high priced prostitute is suffering brain damage for your entertainment pleasure. Other than the Oscars, where can you get such cheap entertainment?      

Dear Auntie and the Case of the Wrong Entrance and the Karma for Co-Workers

Dear Auntie,

My boyfriend & I have been together for over a year and are looking to "step it up" in the bedroom.  He really wants to try something "different", you know...in thru the out door....  I am willing to try but I have large, bleeding hemorrhoids and I'm worried they'll ruin the experience for both of us.  Do you have any suggestions?

Thank you,
Speed-bump

Dear Bumpy:

     First of all...WTF? Girls...this is not something we do unless jewelry has been received, and I don't mean some piece of Avon crap. Second of all, this is not Jersey Shore, so unless sponsors are paying you to publicly debase yourself, I suggest sticking to things like French maids' uniforms and re-runs of Benny Hill to get you both excited. However...if the Hershey Highway TRULY appeals to you, I do NOT suggest starting that kind of fun with a case of the piles. Preparation H is no K-Y Jelly, and you remember that!  


Dear Aunt Mark,

I hate my immediate supervisor and wish I could tell her to shove it where the sun doesn't shine.  I'd be in a lot of trouble if I did, though, and don't have an alternative career lined up.  What should I do?  Please don't use my real name.  She might be trolling around and see this, and I want to have a good weekend.

Signed,
Iwanna Kwit
Dear Iwanna:

     We are all subject to supervisors that make our skin crawl and our teeth clench, and unfortunately life doesn't offer us too many LEGAL choices for rectifying the situation. I assume you have ruled out looking into any mob ties your family might have, so your next best option is indirect torture. Since your feelings and hard work are not being directly acknowledged at work, then indirectly retaliate. Put messages in his or her mailbox requesting them to return calls to people they can't stand, only to make those calls and find themselves stuck talking to them with no idea what the call was for. Carefully placed thumb tacks in seats and "kick me" signs may SEEM juvenile, but it is all about wearing down their self-worth ...and what better way to do that than force them to return to their high school insecurities. You are never going to feel okay  just keeping your mouth shut, so plan some kind of untraceable revenge that you can witness, but not have to take responsibility for.      

Auntie Gives Disney His Happily Ever After

Dear Potatobugs:

     Today is my day to blame to Walt Disney for all of my woes. As you may know, Aunt Mark is an old, single lady, twice divorced and dissatisfied with anything that fall's short of Prince Charming. I will continue to live my life with the expectation that a gorgeous guy in a tunic, with a deep baritone voice, will ride up on a white horse and sweep me away from my drudgery. All I have to do is scrub enough floors, talk to enough birds and evade pointy chinned villains long enough and this will happen, right? ...Like Hell!!!

     This was the Disney "promise" and just like all of his promises, they turned out to be a barrage of pin-pricking lies. Well...folks...I am calling Disney out on his lies!!! Here are the ten biggest fibs Disney suggested through his world of entertainment.

10. Space Mountain is a Great Roller Coaster. Spent my life all excited to go to Disney World and get on what was always painted as the greatest of all roller coasters...only to find out you can achieve a similar effect on wheelchair in a broom closet.

9. Animals will Sing, Talk to You and Help with Housework. BULL...Aunt Mark has had a parrot for ten years and I can't even get the damn thing to beg for a Ritz, let alone sort my mail or wash windows. The mice in my walls simply chew holes behind the sink and steal dog food. hell..even Merry Maids don't give you that kind of service.

8. Villains Will Always Be Overcome: Sarah Palin and Donald Trump are still going strong. If there is some sort of statute of limitations on villainy, these two should have been melted years ago.

7. Castles are a Wonderful Place to Live:  Have you ever been in a castle? They are BIG, COLD, DRAFTY and the walls are all made of stone. Heating bills are outrageous, they are impossible to clean without a cleaning staff, and it is really hard to wallpaper over stone.

6. Beautiful Gowns Are Required For Dancing: Anyone who has taken a Zumba class knows this is a giant crock. Dancing can only be done effectively and comfortably in sweats and an over sized T-Shirt. Watch a bride at a wedding reception someday...look at how miserable she looks drying to deal with that big white monstrosity as she does the macarena.

5. Fairy Godmothers Are There to Help: The only magic powers my godmother ever had was the ability to guilt me into going to Sunday School. Never has she transformed a pumpkin into a Lexus or has she saved me from some "prick" by saying I will wake up from Love's first kiss.

4.. Disney World is the Most Magical Place on Earth: If you call standing in line for an hour to see Splash Mountain "magical"...if you call paying $8 for a hamburger "magical"...if parading yourself through the blistering heat of July to get your picture taken with a giant rodent "magical"...it seems that Mr. Disney's qualifications for "magical" apply to the New York City subway system as well.

3. Breaking Into Song Makes Life Sweeter: We all know that if people started singing to us in grocery stores or at the library, we'd punch them or go running the other way? Why is it when the Little Mermaid washed up on shore, a reprise of "Part of Your World" was suddenly romantic. At any beach on the U.S. coast, she would be considered that creepy, desperate, stalker girl and hopefully Jaw's next victim. Maybe she has more of a Euro Disney appeal???

2. The Good-Hearted Side-Kick: There is no sweet little creature or delightfully chubby best friend to act as my conscience. Jiminy Cricket starts judging my ass and I step on the little bastard. I'll give something for you to "Wish Upon a Star" about. Besides...sidekicks are only there to share in your glory. Not that Aunt Mark has much by way of glory, but I do have coupons to the Outback Steakhouse...and that's just as good.

1. Happily Ever After Exists: Give me a break...we all know Cinderella eventually got her period and Prince Charming cheated, Snow White went through menopause and Peter Pan had erectile dysfunction. There is no "Happily After Ever"...just "We Tolerated Each Other As Long As We Could,"  

Aunt Mark Sees Her Shadow - Six More Weeks of Pissy

Dear Potatobugs:

     It's Groundhog's Day and I honestly do NOT know what all the hoopla is about. I mean, he sees his shadow, we get six more weeks of Winter....he doesn't, I'm still up to my nips snowcones for 50 days. A little request of my dear friend Phil in Punxsutawney, PA...buy yourself a calendar and save us all this nonsense. Six more weeks of Winter put us EXACTLY at the Spring Solstice which, if I remember correctly, comes pretty darn close to indicating the beginning of Spring. Why do we keep this Phil fellow on payroll? In this economy, you can hire my fat human ass to squirrel my way out of a hole to look for my shadow. You'll get the same result, but at least you will get some interesting commentary to go along with this futile exercise. For example:

Aunt Mark SEES Her Shadow:

     Lord have mercy on my ass!!! That is one big, pear-shaped shadow just scaring my butt back to bed. Nothing like seeing your outline after six months and settling into the depression that you never lost the holidays pounds you had hoped to. Now your only hope is wait for the stomach flu to get you and you can lose the weight the old-fashioned way. Looking around at all you morons standing in the snow waiting for me to see my shadow is a ludicrous exercise in futility. Just like every year, we will have a shitty February, some nice days that tease us in March, but mostly snow, and in April we will think we are in the clear when the good Lord decides to dump one more blizzard on us around the fifteenth. Now...I'm going back to bed, and if you wake me up one more time there will be some ass-kickings. Look at your own shadows next time.

Aunt Mark Does NOT See Her Shadow:

     What in the world am I doing out here looking for my shadow when there is no sunlight? Give me a damn break. I didn't need to come out in this snow and ice to tell you from the overcast that I WASN'T going to see my damn shadow. Its like looking for your shadow in a windowless room at midnight. There will be no shadows. However, since you are waiting for my assessment, here goes:  Just like every year, we will have a shitty February, some nice days that tease us in March, but mostly snow, and in April we will think we are in the clear when the good Lord decides to dump one more blizzard on us around the fifteenth. Now...I'm going back to bed, and if you wake me up one more time there will be some ass-kickings. Look at your own shadows next time.

Six of one / half -a-dozen the other. Get that damn Groundhog off of payroll. Perhaps if we stopped waiting for a rodent to crawl out of a hole to see his shadow and pulled our own heads of the proverbial hole and saw the light, we could save a lot of time and energy. Winter is her until the first of May. Aunt Mark has spoken.

     

Chicken or Fish? Auntie's Wedding Wish

Dear Potatobugs:

     Lots of business to cover today, and as old mumsy used to say, "Tis best to shit or get off the pot." So...here goes...

    First and foremost, a shout out to my dear friend "Barnsy" up in the North Country. Happy Birthday to ya and may their be more than candles to blow at the end of this auspicious occasion ...Hey, hey, hey...I meant packages to open!!! Get your minds out of the gutter. 

     Also...don't forget to write your "Dear Auntie" letters for advice and get them in to me by Thursday so I can pull something out of my butt for Friday. Remember: you can send then to auntmark22@gmail.com, and make sure you put "Letter to Auntie" in the subject line. Please..I know many of you way too well...I know you need me to solve your problems.

     Okay...on to complaining....

     I just found out last night that a dear friend of mine is getting married, and you know how I feel about people tying the knot. There is a reason why marriage is referred to as an "institution" and I hope you have the money for padded wallpaper if you plan to "check-in." What I really think it comes down to ladies, is that we are a sucker for a pretty dress, a party, and lots of leftover cake. What we haven't managed to grasp is that we can have all of this and not have to get saddled with someone else's poor credit and in-laws. I talked to a person who spent $120,000 on a wedding just a few years ago. This seems insane to me. I mean, honestly...you can buy out the Red Lobster for an entire evening for an eighth of that, invite just the people you like, lay out another 5,000 for booze and still come in 75% under what that poor sap shelled out for the guarantee of six toaster ovens and a salad shooter.Hell, I bet you could get Charlie Sheen to go for a BYOB party.

   But where weddings and Jeff Stryker are concerned, apparently SIZE does matter. Everyone has to have the biggest and bestest wedding, outdoing their friends and family with photographers, invitations, flowers, D.J's, caterers, musicians and even doves that fly through and crap on everyone. It seems like such a waste to me, for a day that will statistically end in divorce. Why not have the couple put that money in the bank toward the divorce lawyer and a down payment on a duplex? Then have the smaller party I suggested.

    The problem is, we feel obligated to invite everyone know. What is worse, those who are invited to go, feel obligated because they think it is so sweet to be thought of. It's a vicious pattern people...that mounts the nationwide consumption of fish or chicken and drives the cost of your wedding up to the stratosphere. So Aunt Mark suggests you follow these suggestions in creating your guest list:

1. Pick five family members you can stand to be with and invite just those five. Let's face it, you are only doing this to drink with your friends anyway and inviting family is just a political correctness thing. Just get a few there to make a good show of it.

2. Don't invite old teachers to your wedding. Teachers make crappy wages and they barely remember you anyway. Don't ask them to shell out their summer paycheck on Home Depot gift cards. They have magic markers and glue to buy, since the education system of America gives them almost nothing to work with!

3. Once you've narrowed down the list, take who have you have left and put them in a hat. Draw half of these names, invite them,. discard the rest and don't even look at who didn't get invited. You'll be so busy or too drunk the day of the wedding, you wont notice.

The one thing, Aunt Mark suggests is getting a quality ring. Insist on it, as a matter of fact. You never know when you will need something to pawn in order to pay for a hit-man....I mean...mediator.

     Aunt Mark's colleague Kookie has just started her blog. She's a bit perky, but you should check her out and click her ads. She has great recipes and household hints. You can visit her at kookieskozykitchen@blogspot.com. And, of course, don't forget to CLICK on Aunt Mark's ads as well. It's what pays the bills and allows me to keep offering my services to mankind!!!