Dear Potatobugs:
Today is my day to blame to Walt Disney for all of my woes. As you may know, Aunt Mark is an old, single lady, twice divorced and dissatisfied with anything that fall's short of Prince Charming. I will continue to live my life with the expectation that a gorgeous guy in a tunic, with a deep baritone voice, will ride up on a white horse and sweep me away from my drudgery. All I have to do is scrub enough floors, talk to enough birds and evade pointy chinned villains long enough and this will happen, right? ...Like Hell!!!
This was the Disney "promise" and just like all of his promises, they turned out to be a barrage of pin-pricking lies. Well...folks...I am calling Disney out on his lies!!! Here are the ten biggest fibs Disney suggested through his world of entertainment.
10. Space Mountain is a Great Roller Coaster. Spent my life all excited to go to Disney World and get on what was always painted as the greatest of all roller coasters...only to find out you can achieve a similar effect on wheelchair in a broom closet.
9. Animals will Sing, Talk to You and Help with Housework. BULL...Aunt Mark has had a parrot for ten years and I can't even get the damn thing to beg for a Ritz, let alone sort my mail or wash windows. The mice in my walls simply chew holes behind the sink and steal dog food. hell..even Merry Maids don't give you that kind of service.
8. Villains Will Always Be Overcome: Sarah Palin and Donald Trump are still going strong. If there is some sort of statute of limitations on villainy, these two should have been melted years ago.
7. Castles are a Wonderful Place to Live: Have you ever been in a castle? They are BIG, COLD, DRAFTY and the walls are all made of stone. Heating bills are outrageous, they are impossible to clean without a cleaning staff, and it is really hard to wallpaper over stone.
6. Beautiful Gowns Are Required For Dancing: Anyone who has taken a Zumba class knows this is a giant crock. Dancing can only be done effectively and comfortably in sweats and an over sized T-Shirt. Watch a bride at a wedding reception someday...look at how miserable she looks drying to deal with that big white monstrosity as she does the macarena.
5. Fairy Godmothers Are There to Help: The only magic powers my godmother ever had was the ability to guilt me into going to Sunday School. Never has she transformed a pumpkin into a Lexus or has she saved me from some "prick" by saying I will wake up from Love's first kiss.
4.. Disney World is the Most Magical Place on Earth: If you call standing in line for an hour to see Splash Mountain "magical"...if you call paying $8 for a hamburger "magical"...if parading yourself through the blistering heat of July to get your picture taken with a giant rodent "magical"...it seems that Mr. Disney's qualifications for "magical" apply to the New York City subway system as well.
3. Breaking Into Song Makes Life Sweeter: We all know that if people started singing to us in grocery stores or at the library, we'd punch them or go running the other way? Why is it when the Little Mermaid washed up on shore, a reprise of "Part of Your World" was suddenly romantic. At any beach on the U.S. coast, she would be considered that creepy, desperate, stalker girl and hopefully Jaw's next victim. Maybe she has more of a Euro Disney appeal???
2. The Good-Hearted Side-Kick: There is no sweet little creature or delightfully chubby best friend to act as my conscience. Jiminy Cricket starts judging my ass and I step on the little bastard. I'll give something for you to "Wish Upon a Star" about. Besides...sidekicks are only there to share in your glory. Not that Aunt Mark has much by way of glory, but I do have coupons to the Outback Steakhouse...and that's just as good.
1. Happily Ever After Exists: Give me a break...we all know Cinderella eventually got her period and Prince Charming cheated, Snow White went through menopause and Peter Pan had erectile dysfunction. There is no "Happily After Ever"...just "We Tolerated Each Other As Long As We Could,"
Today is my day to blame to Walt Disney for all of my woes. As you may know, Aunt Mark is an old, single lady, twice divorced and dissatisfied with anything that fall's short of Prince Charming. I will continue to live my life with the expectation that a gorgeous guy in a tunic, with a deep baritone voice, will ride up on a white horse and sweep me away from my drudgery. All I have to do is scrub enough floors, talk to enough birds and evade pointy chinned villains long enough and this will happen, right? ...Like Hell!!!
This was the Disney "promise" and just like all of his promises, they turned out to be a barrage of pin-pricking lies. Well...folks...I am calling Disney out on his lies!!! Here are the ten biggest fibs Disney suggested through his world of entertainment.
10. Space Mountain is a Great Roller Coaster. Spent my life all excited to go to Disney World and get on what was always painted as the greatest of all roller coasters...only to find out you can achieve a similar effect on wheelchair in a broom closet.
9. Animals will Sing, Talk to You and Help with Housework. BULL...Aunt Mark has had a parrot for ten years and I can't even get the damn thing to beg for a Ritz, let alone sort my mail or wash windows. The mice in my walls simply chew holes behind the sink and steal dog food. hell..even Merry Maids don't give you that kind of service.
8. Villains Will Always Be Overcome: Sarah Palin and Donald Trump are still going strong. If there is some sort of statute of limitations on villainy, these two should have been melted years ago.
7. Castles are a Wonderful Place to Live: Have you ever been in a castle? They are BIG, COLD, DRAFTY and the walls are all made of stone. Heating bills are outrageous, they are impossible to clean without a cleaning staff, and it is really hard to wallpaper over stone.
6. Beautiful Gowns Are Required For Dancing: Anyone who has taken a Zumba class knows this is a giant crock. Dancing can only be done effectively and comfortably in sweats and an over sized T-Shirt. Watch a bride at a wedding reception someday...look at how miserable she looks drying to deal with that big white monstrosity as she does the macarena.
5. Fairy Godmothers Are There to Help: The only magic powers my godmother ever had was the ability to guilt me into going to Sunday School. Never has she transformed a pumpkin into a Lexus or has she saved me from some "prick" by saying I will wake up from Love's first kiss.
4.. Disney World is the Most Magical Place on Earth: If you call standing in line for an hour to see Splash Mountain "magical"...if you call paying $8 for a hamburger "magical"...if parading yourself through the blistering heat of July to get your picture taken with a giant rodent "magical"...it seems that Mr. Disney's qualifications for "magical" apply to the New York City subway system as well.
3. Breaking Into Song Makes Life Sweeter: We all know that if people started singing to us in grocery stores or at the library, we'd punch them or go running the other way? Why is it when the Little Mermaid washed up on shore, a reprise of "Part of Your World" was suddenly romantic. At any beach on the U.S. coast, she would be considered that creepy, desperate, stalker girl and hopefully Jaw's next victim. Maybe she has more of a Euro Disney appeal???
2. The Good-Hearted Side-Kick: There is no sweet little creature or delightfully chubby best friend to act as my conscience. Jiminy Cricket starts judging my ass and I step on the little bastard. I'll give something for you to "Wish Upon a Star" about. Besides...sidekicks are only there to share in your glory. Not that Aunt Mark has much by way of glory, but I do have coupons to the Outback Steakhouse...and that's just as good.
1. Happily Ever After Exists: Give me a break...we all know Cinderella eventually got her period and Prince Charming cheated, Snow White went through menopause and Peter Pan had erectile dysfunction. There is no "Happily After Ever"...just "We Tolerated Each Other As Long As We Could,"
Oh my Godddddd!! This is extremely funny! I just read it to the Princess, who is also going to join your blog! Thanks for the giggle, Aunt Mark. 8:41 p.m., and the first smile I cracked today.
ReplyDeleteso glad I brightened someone's day.
ReplyDelete