Dear Potatobugs:
Auntie woke up this morning feeling a bit out of sorts. The crick in my neck is getting worse and my bad knee is swollen and atingle with the pleasures of arthritis. It is so easy to get out of bed in the morning and let our physical pains, our emotional insecurities and the problems of the day before get us down before we even try to tackle the pains, problems and emotions of today. What we need is a little vacation from ourselves, so Auntie is closing her eyes today and imagining herself on a Carnival Cruise.
Let me start out by saying that, if Kathy Lee Gifford gets all up in my business singing show tunes before this thing even begins, there will be a drowning on dry land before she even makes it up the gangway ramp. That being said, Aunt Mark has donned her mu mu, big floppy sun hat and pair of thong sandals and intends to take up permanent residence at those cruise buffet tables you hear about. Now...I have never been on a cruise, but legend has it that eating is something of a marathon on these things...or at least can be. And since I will never be able to run a REAL marathon, eating my way through a faux luau seems like a fair exchange.
What else can old Aunt Mark do on a cruise? I don't like shuffleboard....its like silent bowling. Ever since my thong bikini made its appearance in the public pool, Aunt Mark wont be caught dead in the shipboard hot tub (I can still hear the laughs of my proctologist when he had to go in and find it's remnants). So what else is there to do on a cruise? How am I supposed to imagine and escape if all I can think of is sitting and eating? Hell...we don't even stop at a port long enough to enjoy a decent shark attack!!! What is a girl supposed to do?
As you can see, my imagination can only take me so far on a cruise. I guess there is no escape from these pains, problems and emotions called life, so imagining a cruise seems somewhat fruitless...wait...is that...yes it is...Andy Rooney in a speedo??? Things are looking up for me...and they will be for him, too..after I slip a Viagra into his Mai-tai. Geriatric roofies.
Auntie woke up this morning feeling a bit out of sorts. The crick in my neck is getting worse and my bad knee is swollen and atingle with the pleasures of arthritis. It is so easy to get out of bed in the morning and let our physical pains, our emotional insecurities and the problems of the day before get us down before we even try to tackle the pains, problems and emotions of today. What we need is a little vacation from ourselves, so Auntie is closing her eyes today and imagining herself on a Carnival Cruise.
Let me start out by saying that, if Kathy Lee Gifford gets all up in my business singing show tunes before this thing even begins, there will be a drowning on dry land before she even makes it up the gangway ramp. That being said, Aunt Mark has donned her mu mu, big floppy sun hat and pair of thong sandals and intends to take up permanent residence at those cruise buffet tables you hear about. Now...I have never been on a cruise, but legend has it that eating is something of a marathon on these things...or at least can be. And since I will never be able to run a REAL marathon, eating my way through a faux luau seems like a fair exchange.
What else can old Aunt Mark do on a cruise? I don't like shuffleboard....its like silent bowling. Ever since my thong bikini made its appearance in the public pool, Aunt Mark wont be caught dead in the shipboard hot tub (I can still hear the laughs of my proctologist when he had to go in and find it's remnants). So what else is there to do on a cruise? How am I supposed to imagine and escape if all I can think of is sitting and eating? Hell...we don't even stop at a port long enough to enjoy a decent shark attack!!! What is a girl supposed to do?
As you can see, my imagination can only take me so far on a cruise. I guess there is no escape from these pains, problems and emotions called life, so imagining a cruise seems somewhat fruitless...wait...is that...yes it is...Andy Rooney in a speedo??? Things are looking up for me...and they will be for him, too..after I slip a Viagra into his Mai-tai. Geriatric roofies.
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