Dear Potatobugs:
So Auntie woke up this morning with what she thought was the worst case of writer's block ever. Turns, out, she just needed to control her cheese consumption for the weekend and stop treating cheddar as if it were the answer to all of the world's woes. So...I assume we all survived our weekends and are here to revel in the Packers victory ( a win that Auntie called, if you will remember) and since I have become an expert at making 50/50 predictions that seem to come true at least half of the time, I decided to unleash my psychic abilities on all of you with some of my premonitions.
1. The end of the world will happen in 2012...but that will only happen for those of you who are stupid enough to keep talking about how it is going to and wont shut about it. The rest of us, who don't put our eggs in the basket of a culture that died out way before their calendar did, are going to beat you to death with the champagne bottles we use to toast in 2013.
2. In the next year, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Charlie Sheen and Robert Downey Jr. will do something to publicly embarrass themselves. Honorable mention goes to Mel Gibson. One or all will return to rehab, except for Gibson, who is busy building his bunker to survive December, 2012.
3. Congress will continue to make partisan politics a priority, and we will continue to let them vote themselves raises even though their job evaluations continue to suck and in any other corporation, there would have been an overhaul by now. How about restructuring and down-sizing the federal government...you know, like the rest of us (at their mercy) will continue to experience?
4. Betty White will make another deal with the devil for an additional five years of publicity. In exchange for her services, she has to demon possess the people at Master Cuts and convince them to wrestle Justin Bieber to the ground and give him a crew cut so we can be sure he isn't really a lost Olson twin.
5. Twilight and Harry Potter will be the most successful films of 2011 because, even though we know they are going to be mediocre, we at least know what to expect and for $10 a movie ticket, we want no surprises.
6. The middle east will continue to be a place of turmoil and peace will not happen there...EVER...very similar situation happening in the U.S. Congress...see #3. All that sand and very little beach..it confuses the mind. The real solution to Middle eastern problems is that there are not enough water parks to distract everyone from fighting. Lets get a wave pool dug and few slides erected ASAP
7. The Bachelor will continue to be the most boring, slowly paced show on television, Jersey Shore the most insipid and Fox News the best scripted television soap opera.
8. Aunt Mark will continue to be ornery, opinionated and skeptical of her readers and their empty lives. Thank God for all of our boredom.
So Auntie woke up this morning with what she thought was the worst case of writer's block ever. Turns, out, she just needed to control her cheese consumption for the weekend and stop treating cheddar as if it were the answer to all of the world's woes. So...I assume we all survived our weekends and are here to revel in the Packers victory ( a win that Auntie called, if you will remember) and since I have become an expert at making 50/50 predictions that seem to come true at least half of the time, I decided to unleash my psychic abilities on all of you with some of my premonitions.
1. The end of the world will happen in 2012...but that will only happen for those of you who are stupid enough to keep talking about how it is going to and wont shut about it. The rest of us, who don't put our eggs in the basket of a culture that died out way before their calendar did, are going to beat you to death with the champagne bottles we use to toast in 2013.
2. In the next year, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Charlie Sheen and Robert Downey Jr. will do something to publicly embarrass themselves. Honorable mention goes to Mel Gibson. One or all will return to rehab, except for Gibson, who is busy building his bunker to survive December, 2012.
3. Congress will continue to make partisan politics a priority, and we will continue to let them vote themselves raises even though their job evaluations continue to suck and in any other corporation, there would have been an overhaul by now. How about restructuring and down-sizing the federal government...you know, like the rest of us (at their mercy) will continue to experience?
4. Betty White will make another deal with the devil for an additional five years of publicity. In exchange for her services, she has to demon possess the people at Master Cuts and convince them to wrestle Justin Bieber to the ground and give him a crew cut so we can be sure he isn't really a lost Olson twin.
5. Twilight and Harry Potter will be the most successful films of 2011 because, even though we know they are going to be mediocre, we at least know what to expect and for $10 a movie ticket, we want no surprises.
6. The middle east will continue to be a place of turmoil and peace will not happen there...EVER...very similar situation happening in the U.S. Congress...see #3. All that sand and very little beach..it confuses the mind. The real solution to Middle eastern problems is that there are not enough water parks to distract everyone from fighting. Lets get a wave pool dug and few slides erected ASAP
7. The Bachelor will continue to be the most boring, slowly paced show on television, Jersey Shore the most insipid and Fox News the best scripted television soap opera.
8. Aunt Mark will continue to be ornery, opinionated and skeptical of her readers and their empty lives. Thank God for all of our boredom.
No comments:
Post a Comment