Auntie Goes Cruising

Dear Potatobugs:

     Auntie woke up this morning feeling a bit out of sorts. The crick in my neck is getting worse and my bad knee is swollen and atingle with the pleasures of arthritis. It is so easy to get out of bed in the morning and let our physical pains, our emotional insecurities and the problems of the day before get us down before we even try to tackle the pains, problems and emotions of today. What we need is a little vacation from ourselves, so Auntie is closing her eyes today and imagining herself on a Carnival Cruise.

     Let me start out by saying that, if Kathy Lee Gifford gets all up in my business singing show tunes before this thing even begins, there will be a drowning on dry land before she even makes it up the gangway ramp. That being said, Aunt Mark has donned her mu mu, big floppy sun hat and pair of thong sandals and intends to take up permanent residence at those cruise buffet tables you hear about. Now...I have never been on a cruise, but legend has it that eating is something of a marathon on these things...or at least can be. And since I will never be able to run a REAL marathon, eating my way through a faux luau seems like a fair exchange.

     What else can old Aunt Mark do on a cruise? I don't like shuffleboard....its like silent bowling. Ever since my thong bikini made its appearance in the public pool, Aunt Mark wont be caught dead in the shipboard hot tub (I can still hear the laughs of my proctologist when he had to go in and find it's remnants). So what else is there to do on a cruise? How am I supposed to imagine and escape if all I can think of is sitting and eating? Hell...we don't even stop at a port long enough to enjoy a decent shark attack!!! What is a girl supposed to do? 

     As you can see, my imagination can only take me so far on a cruise. I guess there is no escape from these pains, problems and emotions called life, so imagining a cruise seems somewhat fruitless...wait...is that...yes it is...Andy Rooney in a speedo??? Things are looking up for me...and they will be for him, too..after I slip a Viagra into his Mai-tai. Geriatric roofies.

Two Plus Two Equals Forsight

Dear Potatobugs:

    So Auntie woke up this morning with what she thought was the worst case of writer's block ever. Turns, out, she just needed to control her cheese consumption for the weekend and stop treating cheddar as if it were the answer to all of the world's woes. So...I assume we all survived our weekends and are here to revel in the Packers victory ( a win that Auntie called, if you will remember) and since I have become an expert at making 50/50 predictions that seem to come true at least half of the time, I decided to unleash my psychic abilities on all of you with some of my premonitions.

1. The end of the world will happen in 2012...but that will only happen for those of you who are stupid enough to keep talking about how it is going to and wont shut about it. The rest of us, who don't put our eggs in the basket of a culture that died out way before their calendar did, are going to beat you to death with the champagne bottles we use to toast in 2013.

2. In the next year, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Charlie Sheen and Robert Downey Jr. will do something to publicly embarrass themselves. Honorable mention goes to Mel Gibson. One or all will return to rehab, except for Gibson, who is busy building his bunker to survive December, 2012.

3. Congress will continue to make partisan politics a priority, and we will continue to let them vote themselves raises even though their job evaluations continue to suck and in any other corporation, there would have been an overhaul by now.  How about restructuring and down-sizing the federal government...you know, like the rest of us (at their mercy) will continue to experience? 

4. Betty White will make another deal with the devil for an additional five years of publicity. In exchange for her services, she has to demon possess the people at Master Cuts and convince them to wrestle Justin Bieber to the ground and give him a crew cut so we can be sure he isn't really a lost Olson twin.

5. Twilight and Harry Potter will be the most successful films of 2011 because, even though we know they are going to be mediocre, we at least know what to expect and for $10 a movie ticket, we want no surprises.

6. The middle east will continue to be a place of turmoil and peace will not happen there...EVER...very similar situation happening in the U.S. Congress...see #3.  All that sand and very little beach..it confuses the mind. The real solution to Middle eastern  problems is that there are not enough water parks to distract everyone from fighting. Lets get a wave pool dug and few slides erected ASAP

7. The Bachelor will continue to be the most boring, slowly paced show on television, Jersey Shore the most insipid and Fox News the best scripted television soap opera.

8. Aunt Mark will continue to be ornery, opinionated and skeptical of her readers and their empty lives. Thank God for all of our boredom.  

Auntie's Horrible Secret Revealed

Dear Potatobugs:

    Aunt Mark is writing a confess-all today about one of my secret addictions. After berating Super Bowl watchers and Jersey Shore viewers for weeks, it is time for me to put my own ass on the chopping block and call myself out for my own stupidity. I have already shared with you my deep rooted love affair with food, but there is something else I must admit to that sets my pacemaker to dancing at a rhumba tempo: Office Supplies. I do not know what is is about them, but I just cannot get enough of them. When I was a child, shopping for school supplies was THE most exciting part about going back to school in the Fall. I would pace the school supplies aisle at Ames or Jamesway, checking out all of the Trapper Keepers trying to decide which groovy version I was going with that year. The right pens, the righ folders, the perfect pencil case. I once had a pencil case that looked like a small Chips Ahoy box! Talk about combining two of my addictions into one.

     As an adult, this fascination has been exacerbated by the creation of such stores as Office Max and Michaels. I can literally get dizzy over holding a pack of multi-colored Sharpee Pens. There is something about being able to permanently label things in Aqua Green ink that I find titillating. Hell..I think I had an orgasm once when I found three-pronged folders for sale 10/$1.00. Is it right for an old lady to leak a little pee over Wal-Marts yearly school supply sale where she stocks up on markers, glue, tape and spiral notebooks? The worst part about this addiction is, once purchased, there is something about the perfection of brand new, unopened school supplies, that I spend months resiting their use just to keep them looking pristine. As a result, I have boxes full of unopened school supplies that just sit there. I need to know: what is wrong with me?  I cannot even begin to figure out where this addiction started or why? Was I sniffing White-Out at an early age? Was I denied rulers and Bic pens at early age? I just know that a woman of my age should not be pining away for the days when we had the lollipop pens, with the stem as the pen and candy as the cap, that wrote in colored ink and smelled of the flavor that went with that color. I lay in bed at night, falling asleep, dreaming of such things.

And as for the Super Bowl...Auntie is picking the Packers...she finds their name....worthy of pee leakage.

Aunt Mark Puts Her Knee to Your Footballs

Dear Potatobugs:

    I know this article will get many of you all in a dither with me, but I have never stopped at priopriety before, so why begin now? I do not understand the United State's fascination with professional football and I never will. To me, the whole thing amounts to a field full of overpaid neanderthals chasing a big, shiny brown thing (we can't really call it a ball when it is shaped like Stewie Griffin'shead)  from one end to another in an effort to increase their odds of brain injury. How is it even fair to pin teams against one another when some are rich and can afford to pay the best players and others must settle for bottom of the barrel? It seems to me that we could spend our time more effectively watching paint dry...but, I am not one to burst anyone's balloons and I understand that, for many of you, the countdown to the Superbowl is like a six-month advent with the half-time show and commercials serving as some sort of Holiday spectacular.

     The real problem, America, is that we as a culture like reasons to drink, gamble and scream...and professional sports give us the opportunity to act on these vices and not feel guilty for them. How we haven't worked sex into the day is beyond me...but I am sure it is coming. Even I, Aunt Mark, look forward to those Superbowl parties for the simple fact that there will be chili, dip and pizza to cater to my vice: food. So...as you get yourself trashed tomorrow, lose your paycheck betting on the Steelers or scream yourself hoarse for the Packers, all while downing Cool Ranch Doritos and Nacho Cheese, remeber that, somewhere on that field a high priced prostitute is suffering brain damage for your entertainment pleasure. Other than the Oscars, where can you get such cheap entertainment?      

Dear Auntie and the Case of the Wrong Entrance and the Karma for Co-Workers

Dear Auntie,

My boyfriend & I have been together for over a year and are looking to "step it up" in the bedroom.  He really wants to try something "different", you know...in thru the out door....  I am willing to try but I have large, bleeding hemorrhoids and I'm worried they'll ruin the experience for both of us.  Do you have any suggestions?

Thank you,
Speed-bump

Dear Bumpy:

     First of all...WTF? Girls...this is not something we do unless jewelry has been received, and I don't mean some piece of Avon crap. Second of all, this is not Jersey Shore, so unless sponsors are paying you to publicly debase yourself, I suggest sticking to things like French maids' uniforms and re-runs of Benny Hill to get you both excited. However...if the Hershey Highway TRULY appeals to you, I do NOT suggest starting that kind of fun with a case of the piles. Preparation H is no K-Y Jelly, and you remember that!  


Dear Aunt Mark,

I hate my immediate supervisor and wish I could tell her to shove it where the sun doesn't shine.  I'd be in a lot of trouble if I did, though, and don't have an alternative career lined up.  What should I do?  Please don't use my real name.  She might be trolling around and see this, and I want to have a good weekend.

Signed,
Iwanna Kwit
Dear Iwanna:

     We are all subject to supervisors that make our skin crawl and our teeth clench, and unfortunately life doesn't offer us too many LEGAL choices for rectifying the situation. I assume you have ruled out looking into any mob ties your family might have, so your next best option is indirect torture. Since your feelings and hard work are not being directly acknowledged at work, then indirectly retaliate. Put messages in his or her mailbox requesting them to return calls to people they can't stand, only to make those calls and find themselves stuck talking to them with no idea what the call was for. Carefully placed thumb tacks in seats and "kick me" signs may SEEM juvenile, but it is all about wearing down their self-worth ...and what better way to do that than force them to return to their high school insecurities. You are never going to feel okay  just keeping your mouth shut, so plan some kind of untraceable revenge that you can witness, but not have to take responsibility for.      

Auntie Gives Disney His Happily Ever After

Dear Potatobugs:

     Today is my day to blame to Walt Disney for all of my woes. As you may know, Aunt Mark is an old, single lady, twice divorced and dissatisfied with anything that fall's short of Prince Charming. I will continue to live my life with the expectation that a gorgeous guy in a tunic, with a deep baritone voice, will ride up on a white horse and sweep me away from my drudgery. All I have to do is scrub enough floors, talk to enough birds and evade pointy chinned villains long enough and this will happen, right? ...Like Hell!!!

     This was the Disney "promise" and just like all of his promises, they turned out to be a barrage of pin-pricking lies. Well...folks...I am calling Disney out on his lies!!! Here are the ten biggest fibs Disney suggested through his world of entertainment.

10. Space Mountain is a Great Roller Coaster. Spent my life all excited to go to Disney World and get on what was always painted as the greatest of all roller coasters...only to find out you can achieve a similar effect on wheelchair in a broom closet.

9. Animals will Sing, Talk to You and Help with Housework. BULL...Aunt Mark has had a parrot for ten years and I can't even get the damn thing to beg for a Ritz, let alone sort my mail or wash windows. The mice in my walls simply chew holes behind the sink and steal dog food. hell..even Merry Maids don't give you that kind of service.

8. Villains Will Always Be Overcome: Sarah Palin and Donald Trump are still going strong. If there is some sort of statute of limitations on villainy, these two should have been melted years ago.

7. Castles are a Wonderful Place to Live:  Have you ever been in a castle? They are BIG, COLD, DRAFTY and the walls are all made of stone. Heating bills are outrageous, they are impossible to clean without a cleaning staff, and it is really hard to wallpaper over stone.

6. Beautiful Gowns Are Required For Dancing: Anyone who has taken a Zumba class knows this is a giant crock. Dancing can only be done effectively and comfortably in sweats and an over sized T-Shirt. Watch a bride at a wedding reception someday...look at how miserable she looks drying to deal with that big white monstrosity as she does the macarena.

5. Fairy Godmothers Are There to Help: The only magic powers my godmother ever had was the ability to guilt me into going to Sunday School. Never has she transformed a pumpkin into a Lexus or has she saved me from some "prick" by saying I will wake up from Love's first kiss.

4.. Disney World is the Most Magical Place on Earth: If you call standing in line for an hour to see Splash Mountain "magical"...if you call paying $8 for a hamburger "magical"...if parading yourself through the blistering heat of July to get your picture taken with a giant rodent "magical"...it seems that Mr. Disney's qualifications for "magical" apply to the New York City subway system as well.

3. Breaking Into Song Makes Life Sweeter: We all know that if people started singing to us in grocery stores or at the library, we'd punch them or go running the other way? Why is it when the Little Mermaid washed up on shore, a reprise of "Part of Your World" was suddenly romantic. At any beach on the U.S. coast, she would be considered that creepy, desperate, stalker girl and hopefully Jaw's next victim. Maybe she has more of a Euro Disney appeal???

2. The Good-Hearted Side-Kick: There is no sweet little creature or delightfully chubby best friend to act as my conscience. Jiminy Cricket starts judging my ass and I step on the little bastard. I'll give something for you to "Wish Upon a Star" about. Besides...sidekicks are only there to share in your glory. Not that Aunt Mark has much by way of glory, but I do have coupons to the Outback Steakhouse...and that's just as good.

1. Happily Ever After Exists: Give me a break...we all know Cinderella eventually got her period and Prince Charming cheated, Snow White went through menopause and Peter Pan had erectile dysfunction. There is no "Happily After Ever"...just "We Tolerated Each Other As Long As We Could,"  

Aunt Mark Sees Her Shadow - Six More Weeks of Pissy

Dear Potatobugs:

     It's Groundhog's Day and I honestly do NOT know what all the hoopla is about. I mean, he sees his shadow, we get six more weeks of Winter....he doesn't, I'm still up to my nips snowcones for 50 days. A little request of my dear friend Phil in Punxsutawney, PA...buy yourself a calendar and save us all this nonsense. Six more weeks of Winter put us EXACTLY at the Spring Solstice which, if I remember correctly, comes pretty darn close to indicating the beginning of Spring. Why do we keep this Phil fellow on payroll? In this economy, you can hire my fat human ass to squirrel my way out of a hole to look for my shadow. You'll get the same result, but at least you will get some interesting commentary to go along with this futile exercise. For example:

Aunt Mark SEES Her Shadow:

     Lord have mercy on my ass!!! That is one big, pear-shaped shadow just scaring my butt back to bed. Nothing like seeing your outline after six months and settling into the depression that you never lost the holidays pounds you had hoped to. Now your only hope is wait for the stomach flu to get you and you can lose the weight the old-fashioned way. Looking around at all you morons standing in the snow waiting for me to see my shadow is a ludicrous exercise in futility. Just like every year, we will have a shitty February, some nice days that tease us in March, but mostly snow, and in April we will think we are in the clear when the good Lord decides to dump one more blizzard on us around the fifteenth. Now...I'm going back to bed, and if you wake me up one more time there will be some ass-kickings. Look at your own shadows next time.

Aunt Mark Does NOT See Her Shadow:

     What in the world am I doing out here looking for my shadow when there is no sunlight? Give me a damn break. I didn't need to come out in this snow and ice to tell you from the overcast that I WASN'T going to see my damn shadow. Its like looking for your shadow in a windowless room at midnight. There will be no shadows. However, since you are waiting for my assessment, here goes:  Just like every year, we will have a shitty February, some nice days that tease us in March, but mostly snow, and in April we will think we are in the clear when the good Lord decides to dump one more blizzard on us around the fifteenth. Now...I'm going back to bed, and if you wake me up one more time there will be some ass-kickings. Look at your own shadows next time.

Six of one / half -a-dozen the other. Get that damn Groundhog off of payroll. Perhaps if we stopped waiting for a rodent to crawl out of a hole to see his shadow and pulled our own heads of the proverbial hole and saw the light, we could save a lot of time and energy. Winter is her until the first of May. Aunt Mark has spoken.

     

Chicken or Fish? Auntie's Wedding Wish

Dear Potatobugs:

     Lots of business to cover today, and as old mumsy used to say, "Tis best to shit or get off the pot." So...here goes...

    First and foremost, a shout out to my dear friend "Barnsy" up in the North Country. Happy Birthday to ya and may their be more than candles to blow at the end of this auspicious occasion ...Hey, hey, hey...I meant packages to open!!! Get your minds out of the gutter. 

     Also...don't forget to write your "Dear Auntie" letters for advice and get them in to me by Thursday so I can pull something out of my butt for Friday. Remember: you can send then to auntmark22@gmail.com, and make sure you put "Letter to Auntie" in the subject line. Please..I know many of you way too well...I know you need me to solve your problems.

     Okay...on to complaining....

     I just found out last night that a dear friend of mine is getting married, and you know how I feel about people tying the knot. There is a reason why marriage is referred to as an "institution" and I hope you have the money for padded wallpaper if you plan to "check-in." What I really think it comes down to ladies, is that we are a sucker for a pretty dress, a party, and lots of leftover cake. What we haven't managed to grasp is that we can have all of this and not have to get saddled with someone else's poor credit and in-laws. I talked to a person who spent $120,000 on a wedding just a few years ago. This seems insane to me. I mean, honestly...you can buy out the Red Lobster for an entire evening for an eighth of that, invite just the people you like, lay out another 5,000 for booze and still come in 75% under what that poor sap shelled out for the guarantee of six toaster ovens and a salad shooter.Hell, I bet you could get Charlie Sheen to go for a BYOB party.

   But where weddings and Jeff Stryker are concerned, apparently SIZE does matter. Everyone has to have the biggest and bestest wedding, outdoing their friends and family with photographers, invitations, flowers, D.J's, caterers, musicians and even doves that fly through and crap on everyone. It seems like such a waste to me, for a day that will statistically end in divorce. Why not have the couple put that money in the bank toward the divorce lawyer and a down payment on a duplex? Then have the smaller party I suggested.

    The problem is, we feel obligated to invite everyone know. What is worse, those who are invited to go, feel obligated because they think it is so sweet to be thought of. It's a vicious pattern people...that mounts the nationwide consumption of fish or chicken and drives the cost of your wedding up to the stratosphere. So Aunt Mark suggests you follow these suggestions in creating your guest list:

1. Pick five family members you can stand to be with and invite just those five. Let's face it, you are only doing this to drink with your friends anyway and inviting family is just a political correctness thing. Just get a few there to make a good show of it.

2. Don't invite old teachers to your wedding. Teachers make crappy wages and they barely remember you anyway. Don't ask them to shell out their summer paycheck on Home Depot gift cards. They have magic markers and glue to buy, since the education system of America gives them almost nothing to work with!

3. Once you've narrowed down the list, take who have you have left and put them in a hat. Draw half of these names, invite them,. discard the rest and don't even look at who didn't get invited. You'll be so busy or too drunk the day of the wedding, you wont notice.

The one thing, Aunt Mark suggests is getting a quality ring. Insist on it, as a matter of fact. You never know when you will need something to pawn in order to pay for a hit-man....I mean...mediator.

     Aunt Mark's colleague Kookie has just started her blog. She's a bit perky, but you should check her out and click her ads. She has great recipes and household hints. You can visit her at kookieskozykitchen@blogspot.com. And, of course, don't forget to CLICK on Aunt Mark's ads as well. It's what pays the bills and allows me to keep offering my services to mankind!!!
      

A Fart in Church - The Shot Heard Round the World

Dear Potatobugs:

     I was chatting with a friend of mine a few days ago about how, in the middle of the most serious sitiations, it is impossible to maintain decorum and good judgement. Don't understand what I mean? Let's refer to this as the "Fart in Church" theory. Where "Pew" meets "P-ewwww."Think about it...everyone is sitting there being all reverent, trying to show respect and love for our maker, with a look of consternation that can only come from a liver complaint. Then ...some poor old man, who has been holding it in until his false teeth start flapping, suddenly bombs us in the middle of a moment of silence. You know you aren't supposed to laugh and yet, that is all you wanna do. You feel bad for the man, you feel terrible that you haven't shown the Lord more respect, but most of all, you feel sorry for the minister who has to try to reel the congregation back in with his limited bag of tricks (prayers and hymns) after a gas explosion has just taken out the organist and half the choir.

     What is it about our nature that we find humor in other people's pain? The German's call this "Schadenfreude, which is defined as "happiness at the misfortune of others" and it is amusing that we Americans don't have a word for it, since we seem to revel in it. Isn't it so much easier to let that friend walk around with that booger hanging from their nose because we are too embarrassed to tell them about it?...as if, somehow, our own humiliation is wrapped up in drawing attention to that pendulum of snot! How about watching someone slip on the ice? We all pretend to be really concerned and such, but isn't our first instinct to laugh a little...even if it is just on the inside? We are all hateful, miserable people and that is why I love America. Our first instinct is to laugh...almost always...and I think this is a good thing. Why do you think we enjoy shows like Jersey Shore and the Bachelor? We love laughing at the follies of others.

    So folks...fart in church when you need to. People will spend the rest of the day talking about how funny it was, and let's face it, the world can use a whole lot more humor as this is NOT a pretty place to be. If God created us in his image, he will be sniggering with the rest...and the next time you hear thunder, you know he's doing his share toward the effort of laughter. He likes us to be human and you know what, I think he'd like us to smile more. Even if, as they say about babies laughing,..."It's just gas."   

Keeping Your Light Under a Bushel...Karaoke Anne Frank Style

Dear Potatobugs:

    Aunt Mark was at her local bar the other night, drinking her vodka collins with a lemon twist, when what to my poor ears should commence, but an evening of karaoke singing. Why is it that, at these special moments of karaoke, there is always a table full of drunken bimbos ready to be the first at the microphone? Without a doubt, one or all of these screeching harpies will be the first to the microphone to regale us with their slobbering version of "I Say a Little Prayer." Karaoke, my dear readers, is the armpit of the music world and don't let anyone fool you into thinking that this is something that should be done in public.

    Now don't get me wrong: in the privacy of your own home, I have no problem with you getting liquored up and putting on your Bieber, your Underwood, your Gaga or your Shania. As a matter of fact, your attic or basement in the perfect place for you to figure out that you have no vocal talent. Let's face it...most people who step up to a karaoke microphone have NO BUSINESS singing in public and it is time someone spoke up and said so. Even if you ARE a good singer, the balance of the voice against the cheesy musak version of "Karma Chameleon" or "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" you are going to sing is not going to show you at your best. That is why Anne Frank never went out to sing karaoke in public. She knew better to keep that light under a bushel, sing in the attic,and then she took a break and wrote a moving piece of literature.

    So... do what Aunt Mark does. Put on you your favorite spandex outfit, leg warmers, wrist bands and head bands, set the karaoke machine up in the well insolated basement, and sing "Superfreak" to the mice. Not only am I saving the world from the ear drum splitting pain, but it works like the Pied Piper in reverse...see how the rodents scurrry away with their little paws over their eyes and ears.  

Auntie Mark ...Better Late Than Pregnant

Dear Potato Bugs:

      I know...I know...I'm late to post today. Give me a break...those of us who provide public services have a right to sleep in now and again, then wake up, get dressed, take a fifty from his wallet and make the march of shame back to my place. Auntie had a long day yesterday on the Metro North railroad, taking a little jaunt north to have lunch with mumsy, and along the way I got a that red hot poker to the eye that is the hideous misconception that people refer to as "decorating their yards."

      Aunt Mark understands leaving your holiday lights up all year; as a matter of fact, I appreciate it. I think there is something festive about spending the Fourth of July with visions of fireworks dancing in my head. I also don't care what color you paint your house: if you are really unbalanced enough to paint your house fuchsia or chartreuse, I think it better that you do and screw the zoning laws. Those laws are doing one thing, and that is hiding the crazies in your neighborhood. I like crazy painted bright pink and covered with lights, so I can keep my eye on it. But that is just me.

     No...what I am talking about mostly is the people who plant flowers in absurd items like bathtubs and toilets. Who in God's name told people that it was a cute idea to paint a bathtub lemon yellow with lavender flowers on it and fill it with Morning Glories? The only thing I will ever plant in a toilet comes after a long dance with a diuretic and a large-print edition of Reader's Digest. Talk about a rock garden.

       I even saw a yard where some out-of-work musician planted a sunflower in a tuba! In a TUBA folks. I am pretty sure a tuba sells for several thousand dollars, so why wouldn't you put it on eBay instead of looking at it and saying, "Golly...that looks like a groovy place for an herb garden."    

      People...your yard is NOT the place to become creative with old appliances and useless bric-a-brac.You can't make a wishing well out of an old laundry basket, a rolling pin and a rusty paint can. If you can, save this kind of inspiration for scrap booking, where doing screwed up things with pictures of your family is not only acceptable, but encouraged.  

Dear Aunties and the Case of the Rash in the Panties

Dear PotatoBugs:

     As promised, this Friday marks Aunt Mark's weekly attempt at an advice column. Read on and enjoy. Maybe you will learn something...for a change...

My Dear Aunt Mark:

     I hate Valentine's Day too. One year, the jackass I used to be married to put one of those God-awful wire-stem, plastic-leaf, red velvety-ribbon fake-as-fake-gets red roses on the bathroom vanity so I'd be sure to find it when I went grouchy-faced downstairs in the morning to get ready for work. What a flipping jackass. We're not married anymore.

- The Dancing Divorcee

Dear Dancing Divorcee:

     Not that you need old Aunt Mark to tell you this, but it seems like you don't need any advice in this situation as you clearly took charge of your fate and dumped the "flipping jackass" in the ditch where he belonged. Where you went wrong was in not punishing him properly at the time to ensure he understood, for the future of all women he goes braying by, that fake roses say one thing: my ex wife smashed my balls with a mallot . At the very least, Dancing Divorcee, it was Valentine's Day and a Cupid's arrow right up the nether regions would have adjusted both his "attitude" and his wallet. You would have seen how quickly the Godiva chocolates and diamond rings would have been falling from the sky. But you did the right thing. Short of being reft of his family jewels, losing such a delightful prize as yourself should keep him tossing and turning at night and wondering when you are going to show up and claim what you foolishly left behind...Bobbit style.


Dear Auntie:

     My kids spend way too much time on their cell phones and internet. It seems we cannot get through a meal or a conversation without an interuption of beeps, texting and typing. What do I do?

- Slave of Technology

Dear Slave of Technology:

    Give me a damn break. You are not a slave of technology; you are a slave to your kids.Who pays for the cell phone and internet service? Just what I thought. Smash the damn cell phones and computers, buy them a nice stationary set and teach your kids to write a thank you note. They can start by writing to Aunt Mark and thanking her for giving them their lives back. You fool. 

Dear Auntie:

     I have a rash in an area that my bathing suit usually covers. It started out small, but it seems to have spread. I have used some topical creams and cornstarch, but nothing seems to make it stop. Do you have any old fashioned remedies for such a thing?

- Itchy and Scratchy:

Dear Itchy and Scratchy:

     The only home remedy I can think of is called "Not being a whore." However, assuming you are not of the Lindsey Lohan level of loss self-control, for God's sake get yourself to a doctor? Who the hell waits for a rash to spread? Next thing you'll be telling me is that you grabbed a Sharpee pen and played connect the dots. Corn starch is not going to do what antibiotics will in this situation.  

Aunt Mark would like to thank everyone who wrote in for this week's "Dear Auntie" column. Remember, Auntie will help you with your problems every Friday..and I will even be so kind as to make sure you remain anonymous by changing the names to protect the innocent.

Now start a clickin' those frickin' ads.


    

Free Stuff and the Crap We Accumulate

     Aunt Mark was having a bit of amusement over the way we will accpet anything free as if we are being offered gold, and then hold onto it with no idea how or if we will ever use it. Think about it...or better yet...go through your cupboards, purses, glove compartments and desk drawers and you will see EXACTLY what I mean. For example:

Restaurant Jelly Packets: When I was a wee one, it was exciting to grab a few of these for the road, to lick on the ride home. However, many of us have carried the habit of snatching a few of these "free' jellies for the road into our adulthood. In 30+ years of doing this, I have never once found myself in a situation where I needed an emergency orange marmalade to see me through the night. The same goes for catsup, mustard and mayo packets. In the end, I will always go to the fridge and get the jar or bottle, and forget about my pirate booty of Knotsberry Farms Red Raspberry. So why do we take the packets? The only time this is practical is if you are stealing Sweet and Low or Splenda, because that crap is expensive.

Hotel Soaps: Never has their been anything more annoying and less appealing than the hotel soap. When you are in a hotel and forced to shower with it, you spend have the time worrying you might lose that bar in some orifice or new crevice, yet we feel the need to stock up on these little hum dingers for future use. The thing is, they are perfumed in a way that screams cheap motel, and we will never use them for fear people will smell us and  think we live at the Super 8 or are at least making our living there.

Free Samples in Grocery Stores: Oh we get all excited over free samples, don't we? The fat-assed society that we are. WE may have just left McDonalds and a Big Mac lunch and now we are in he grocery store ready for round two, nibbling at this and that - all the stuff we will never buy because we know its going to be too expensive, but hell - Yoplait Yogurt Shakes - served in mini- medicine cups? Sign me up!!! Sodium saturated meat with a toothpick sticking out? That's just heaven.

Matches: In a world of Bic lighters and BBQ starters, is there any reason for people to even own matches anymore? They are useless if they get damp or sit for too long, but I bet everyone has three or four packets sitting in a drawer somewhere, telling yourself, "Well, if the lights go out, we have to be able to light the candles somehow!" Yet...when that occasion DOES happen, someone pulls out the mystical invention called the flashlight, finds a lighter and gets those candles going. At this point, matches in the drawer serve one purpose: and children aren't supposed to play with matches...are they? I wish the cast of Twilight would.

Airplane Snacks: In any other reality, we wouldn't give two figs about a bag of nuts or pretzels. We get closed in on an airplane and suddenly we are in a panic that this might be out last meal. On Terra firma, we wouldn't stress like this. In the air, unless we have our half-can of Canada Dry Ginger ale and our eight Planter's honey roasted peanuts, we fear some kind of catastrophe like the movie Alive! It's a three hour flight, people. On land we go that long between meals and the altitude doesn't suddenly slow down time.

     I could go on and on...we are monsters that can only be abated by the words "Free" and "Complimentary." We would take cans of kangaroo poo if they stood on the street corners and yelled "Free Samples." Try getting that smell out with a bar of hotel soap.

Reminder: Click your ads AND...tomorrow is Auntie's first "Dear Auntie" column. Get your letters in so that  I can offer my special brand of advice and wisdom. The services I offer.  

Aunt Mark's Cupid Hits the Valentine's Mark

Dear Potatobugs:

     Auntie has her nickers twist. I don't care if I say it, but I I am GOING to say it: I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY!!! No...it has nothing to do with me being bitter and pissy over the fact that Brad Pitt has yet to acknowledge my existence or that, as the years go by, the floral delivery truck whizzes by without one lopsided carnation for me. I don't even hate Valentine's Day because it is the most commercialized and fabricated of all holidays ( unless you count Flag Day). Actually, Auntie is disgusted how with how poorly commercialized Valentine's Day has become. Have you seen (or worse, tasted) the crap they are peddling for Valentine's Day as a way to tell people you love them? If that's how you feel, please send cash.

      The worst Valentine's gift to give someone is those little hearts with cutey pie sayings on them. That's right people, say it with chalk. Who in God's name decided the best way to tell people you love them is with these nasty little notes that are flavored like your English teacher's blackboard. Unless your sweetie is suffering from Pica, why would you do this?

      Valentine cards for kids are the biggest rip off of all. Pay $5.99 or more so your kid can send pictures of Sponge Bob, Shrek or Justin Bieber printed on flimsy paper with envelopes that are so thing, just licking them to seal them turns them into a spit wad. I know..I know...its the thought that counts. Think harder.

     Balloon Bouquets - if you don't want to be romantic and send roses, then don't bother with Valentine's Day. Balloon bouquets are the easy out to say "I really enjoy you and I am glad we get to screw regularly, but I have no serious intentions where you are concerned." If god had intended Balloon bouquets to be given on this holy day, he would have filled roses with helium. If you are giving a Balloon arrangement this holiday, send penicillin as well. Nothing says VD like Valentine's Day.

     Dinner at a chain restaurant. Never do this. Applebees, Chili's, TGI Fridays do not say "romantic." They barely say "edible" on most days. For god's sake, take your loved one someplace where coupons are not accepted and you can't order an appetizer, entree and dessert as part of one price.

      So...I know you all love Aunt Mark and are going to shower her with Valentine's gifts, so I will be blunt and tell you exactly what I want. Any deviation from this will result in punishment involving a rusty spoon and your eye. I want a dozen, long stem roses, a box of Godiva truffles, and Jensen Ackles diapered up in a Cupid costume. I can handle the rest.

Peevish Delight and Aunt Mark's Punishments

Dear Potato Bugs:

     Aunt Mark is just full of pet peeves today. I guess there is nothing like driving in a new neighborhood or using the New York Public Transit system to bring out the worst in a person. Every inch of me is wired to fight if I have to address (in the next couple of days) any of the following follies of mankind:

1. Pedestrians were here first, they use the most vulnrable  and economically sound transport available, and Aunt Mark occasionally likes to put on her support hose and orthopedic shoes and go for a little stroll to the grocery store to make sure she has a heart and it still beats! So...to all the crazy-ass, jerk pedestrians who walk side-by-side down the sidewalk in bad weather, one of you needs to fall back behind the other if someone is coming from the opposite direction! I am tired of having to step into mud puddles and snowbanks because one of you refuses to yield the right of way on a narrow sidewalk. I will mace you into submission and bury you in said puddle or snowbank...I swear to God.

2. People who fart on the subway or train. We are already crammed in tighty with 200 of our cloeset friends, breathing in the sweet aroma of body odor, Altoids, Avon perfume and failure. Amidst this melting pot of stench, you decide that this is the ideal place to introduce your poor dietary habits to the world? Hint...if you have a long subway ride ahead, skip the corned beef and cabbage, try some Beano, or Auntie may just find a good place for a Stick-Up... and I'll wear my press-on nails when I do it!

3. People who sing along with Broadway shows and movie musicals. I didn't pay a fortune to hear you destroy the score of Evita! I didn't shut off my cell phone so you could give me your atonal rendition of "Don't Rain on My Parade."  I didn't turn up my hearing aide so I could be tortured with your Carol Channing impersonation. SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!! if this is the kind of musical experience you want, stay at home, watch Seven Brides for Seven Brothers with the subtitles on and annoy your neighbors. If you do it to me again, I promise you : for each song I am subjected to, you will be subjected to a lap dance from Aunt Mark....and I don't always wear my Depends to the theatre. So...roll the dice and take your chances.

4.  People who say 'Ad VERRR tisement" instead of "AdverTISE ment" (advertisment)...come on ...you are all with me. The former all sound pretentious and they do it on purpose just to annoy the rest of us. I have knitting needles, I will take out your vocal chords...you know I can do it. 

5. Watching people eat yogurt. What is it about people, that when they are eating yogurt, they decide they have to look like the morons on the commercials whose eyes go all dreamy and their faces wrinkle up into some dairy induced orgasm. You don't do the same thing with soup or mashed potatoes, so why do you do it over a cup of fruit flavored bacteria? Now you may ask, "Aunt Mark, why the hell are you watching people eat?" and that would be an excellent question, and if I werent already sleeping with your significant other, I 'd answer it. That being said, people...its JUST YOGURT...not an acid trip. If you keep it up, I will put shards of glass amongst your raspberry you stir up from the bottom. If you are going to  make faces, I'll make sure they are entertaining ones.

ONE OTHER NON-ARTICLE RELATED REQUEST FOR YOU...

Due to a lovely idea put into my head by the delightful Roberta Krakower Moore, Aunt Mark has decided that she is going to offer an advice column...once a week, on Fridays.Now, I know all of you are incapable of governing your own lives, so my input will be a most welcome respite from your having to think. Please...send me your problems (or make some up) and send them to "Dear Auntie" at auntmark22@gmail.com with "Dear Auntie" in the subject line. Remember who you are writing to, and don't ask for real important advice...because, as you know, my column is NOT a place to be sensitive or realistic.

Click your ads...now...time to pay the piper.   

Aunt Mark Has a Movement

  Dear Potato Bugs,

   This weekend, Aunt Mark experienced that glorious approximation of hell: MOVING! Those of you that have been through this ordeal know what I am talking about. The sad attempt to try to pack up your life as you know it, cram it inside a U-Haul and unload it in a new space that does not seem capable of accommodating all your crap. It's about as much fun as sitting in a bowl of lemon juice with a hemorrhoid.

     When Auntie moved to her last location, she showed up with everything she owned inside a Toyota minivan. Mostly books, clothes and keepsakes in her ownership, and hardly any furniture. In just the few months that she was there, it seems she doubled her volume by inheriting a couch, futon, two desks, a TV, a nightstand, a TV table, a floor lamp and a desk chair. Either my few possessions were very fertile and multiplied, or I am a pack rat. I am going to opt for the former as Auntie is perfect and we all know she could never be a hoarder. Or could she?

      I would say that two thirds of what I own are books. I cannot part with a book easily, as I am always sure I will want to return to it for some piece of information for inspiration. Indeed, I make marks in the margins of books and underline words or phrases that intrigue me. Unfortunately, at last count, I have accumulated over 1600 books (mostly hardcover) that needed to be schlepped (down a flight of stairs) to the new location. Do you know this does to a back that hasn't seen exercise since Reagan was in the White House? Auntie is walking funny today and that has nothing to do with the Ricky Martin dream I had last night. Laugh if you want, but Auntie figured out a new way to get into Menudo that didn't require an audition....

      Anyway...the worst is over...books are on their shelves, and I am sucking gown ibuprofen like it shoots out of Pez dispensers. The next time I have a movement, I am hiring someone to do the lifting for me. I want a nice band of hunky Latino men to pack my U-Haul (I wouldn't mind if they helped me get my stuff on the truck, either. I wonder if Ricky Martin is available?

NOW CLICK THOSE ADS - Aunt Mark has moving expenses

Aunt Marks and the Consolation Prize - AKA The 100,000 Dollar Period

Title: Aunt Mark and the Consolation Prize

          Aunt Mark has HAD it with the American game show. Over the years, the game show (or quiz show) has been a platform for making people look stupid. We keep rising to the occasion. In her youth, Aunt Mark was a bit of a game show groupie. I was a guest on the entire circuit and I did them all, from Woolery to Cullen, from Barker to Sajak, from Rayburn to ...no even I wouldn’t do Trebek. Aunt Mark recalls how each game show ended in my total humiliation. Read on, you ambulance chasers.

In 1973, my first game show experience was The Match Game, in all its gaudy splendor. Gene Rayburn was leaching after me, saying things like “Aunt Mark likes to make cookies so much that all the neighborhood men like to put __blank___ in her oven.” I didn’t know what blank was, but Charles Nelson Reilly sure did. By the end of the episode I had his ascot around my ankles and I spent the next three years going by the name “Brett Sommers.”

In 1976, The Price is Right was my game. Do you remember that awful story about the woman whose boob fell out when she was called to “Come on Down?” No, fools, that wasn’t me, I told you before, I keep mine tucked in my socks…but…I was the gal standing next to her in contestants’ row. Do you know what it’s like to have someone’s brown-eyed puppy wink at you while you are trying to bid on a Kitchen-Aid dishwasher and a case of turtle wax? Well, Auntie was no fool. She made her way up to that stage where Bob Barker proceeded to goose me all through the showcase showdown. Don’t worry, ladies. Aunt Mark saw to it that his pet was spayed and neutered before all was said and done. Thank god for my year’s supply of Hamburger Helper parting gift…I had something to serve with it.

In 1983 I took a risk on The Wheel of Fortune. Let me say this now and be done with it: Wheel of Fortune is just Jeopardy for morons. All you need to know is 26 letters and the basics of 6^th grade reading. Oh…and you have to be able to bounce up and down while clapping. This is a great game for retired cheerleaders and people coming off of thorazine. That Pat Sajak was quite a looker back then, so it was all I could to spin the wheel without passing out. In those days, those, you didn’t keep the cash. You had to use it to buy crap that was spinning on a prize carousel. “Pat, I’ll take the brass chicken for $500 and put the rest on a Service Merchandise gift certificate.

1n 1987, Aunt Mark tried to get on the Family Feud, but apparently you need a speaking family to do that.

In 1991, Jeopardy came calling. Aunt Mark, unfortunately mistook the topic “Homophones” for something else. I am still in litigation with a certain star of Jerry McGuire over my repeated use of his name as an answer. I wonder if Neil Patrick Harris would have the same issues? I say “NAY” to that!

In 1998, I went to visit my good friend Regis on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (a.k.a. The Long, Boring-ASS Pauses While Regis Gets His Diaper Changed). I didn’t win any money as my phone-a-friend forgot to pay her phone bill.

In 2003 – I found out that I was NOT smarter than a 5^th grader. What I am, however, in STRONGER than a 5^th grader and that’s all that matters in a parking lot after the show. Little bastard turned over the prize money pretty easily despite the dislocated shoulder.     

In 2007, Auntie Mark and her best friend Pearl decided to try the Amazing Race. This ended badly when Pearl told me she wanted to become Paul while we were climbing the Swiss Alps, then proceeded to do something about it. From that point forward, all I could do was worry she wanted in my girdle (men are such pigs) and I had to quit the race.

All-in-all, I think I should just stay away from game show…although…how about a season of the Bachelorette and we spring my wrinkled ass on those pretty young things? Now THAT would be one hell of a game show for me, and a consolation prize for the winner. Better than Hamburger helper…right?      

Bieber in 3 -D??? Vomit in 4 -D

Dear Potato Bugs:

    What is it with the rash of films coming out that are glorified music concerts featuring superstars in 3-D? I can see the fun of an action film in 3 -D: things flying at you fast, near misses, that sort of thing. But what can one possibly gain from seeing Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber singing their empty pop crap in 3-D? The only person they could possibly be catering to is the deaf pederast...and frankly, I don't think we should be making movies for them. There are, however, some acts I think might benefit from the 3-D experience.

1. Gallagher: The fruit smashing fruit. I have no idea why this guy's destruction of watermelons has become an exciting way to pass the time, but I suppose airborne watermelon seeds flying at you might create the illusion of near misses. When he does his own balls, then we'll talk.

2. Dolly Parton: I think that goes without saying.

3. Pee-Wee Herman. We all know what Pee-Wee likes to do in the movie theatre right? Okay...go with me on this....what if we made a movie called "Pee-Wee Goes to the Movies" and filmed him at his "best?" Then produce it in 3-D, he can sit in the front row and watch himself while...just make sure the 3-D glasses come with a zamboni towel.

4.  Jersey Shore -in 3 -D. I don't think anything would be more fun than to watch these people piss themselves, drown in their own vomit and treat venereal diseases in 3-D. I think it adds a certain Schadenfeude to the festivities. I'm convinced if we saw the show in 3-D that the Situation's abs would reveal themselves to be painted on.

5.  The United States Government. Aunt Mark would pay anything to see these people capable of depth. Maybe 3-D glasses are the only way to get what we need out of them? Food for thought.

Camel Toes and Tobacco Woes

Dear Potatobugs:

      Aunt Mark was visiting the Wal-Mart the other day and I am seriously concerned about the direction our country is taking. Let’s face it – Wal-Mart IS a microcosm of our society and that picture is looking more like a Salvadore Dali painting every day. I am going to begin by stating some rules that I think should go without saying, but somehow, in Wal-Mart, they seem to have been forgotten.

1. If you weigh 200 pounds or more, skin-tight, light pink stretch pants are not a good idea. Watching you pick out your Chips Ahoy and Toaster Pastries, I do not NEED to see camel toe smiling back at me.

2. Shop like you drive a car folks. Right side of the aisle, only!!! Down the left is annoying and down the center will get my foot down the center of your skull. I will teach you some consideration!

3. When we are picking through the $5 movie bin together, don’t you dare throw the ones you’ve looked at in the hole that I am working on. We all know the best movie in the world is just waiting for us in the bottom of that thing, so quit hurling your copies of Cruel Intentions 2 and Operation Dumbo Drop into my workspace.   

4. Speaking of the cheap movie bin, would it really be all that hard to put them on a shelf where we can read the spines and speed up the process? I mean, for God’s sake, they cram that store with extra shelving during the holiday season. Take the one you use for holiday Chia Pet displays and set the cheapy flicks up on it. I can easily lose an hour of my life in that Black Hole of Calcutta: a half-hour looking for one GOOD movie and a half-hour trying to make my way to the surface.

5.  Instead of doing their little pre-opening cheerlead with the staff, how about a few training session in speed and how to use the cash register? Auntie has stood there in line watching some little old cashier lady ring 24 candles up individually. Even I know you hit “Quantity,” then “24,” then you scan one candle and bag them all. Hold up…never mind, with the years ya wait in line, you’ll need those candles for your next birthday cake.

6. You can bitch all you want about smoking, but those of us who enjoy a ciggy butt now and again know the good of it! Aunt Mark likes a nice big cigar before bed (but enough of my euphemisms for sex). Back to the problem: Don’t have one tobacco counter. Don’t make us have to come to you to get our fix.

We’re smokers, we can’t walk that far. We are easily winded. If you are that worried about us stealing them (and at $10 a pack, we will), drive around in a little pope mobile with a glass dome on it filled with cigarettes. At ten dollars a pack, you can afford to pay the old guy who hands out smiley face stickers to children to drive it.

7. Stop selling Justin Bieber nonsense. The world does not need his face everywhere. I get that the pre-teens like to have him on a school folder or a lunch box, but do I really need a Bieber lawn chair? If you really wanna make my day, slap his mug on a roll of toilet paper or an enema bag.

                Wal-Mart is a ridiculous place to shop and if their prices weren’t so much better than everywhere else, we’d never go. Ahhh…thank goodness for scab wages and cheaply made crap.     

Nick at Nite Notes

     Aunt Mark, as you all well know, loves to stay up late watching old sitcoms on Nick at Nite and TV Land. There is a nostalgia that comes from re-watching old favorites from yesteryear like All in the Family, The Golden Girls, Mary Tyler Moore and The Nanny. However, I have noticed a few peculiarities within these sitcoms worlds and once i have pointed them out, you are never going to watch television the same way again!

1. Have you ever noticed that, when beverages are poured in a sitcom, they are never poured higher than the halfway mark on the glass or cup? Are sitcom actors notorious klutzes and they are afraid of spillage, or are sitcom budgets that small they can only afford a half of a cup of beverage? Think about it, The Golden Girls have company and Blanche offers her guest " a nice, cool glass of lemonade" only to give him three swallows. It happens every time. I'd tell my host to stick that drink where the sun don't shine. Hospitality = FULL GLASS of lemonade.

2. Sitcom grocery stores. Now, unless you are in a mini mart or a bodega, you should not be able to buy napkins, canned peas, triscuits and corn flakes in the same aisle. However, in sitcom grocery stores there is always a random smattering of everything a person could possibly want in one aisle. Ronzoni, toothpaste and fresh produce, all within arm's reach.Then one of the characters talks about needing something over in Aisle 2. What are they getting over there? We never see them go there and all the food is in their current aisle. What else can it be? Snow tires and charcoal briquettes?

3. Sitcom "messy" houses. Anyone who has kids will be the first to tell you that a sitcom messy living room is nowhere near reality. A few toys and clothes strewn about is not what a child-ransacked living room looks like, people. In the real world there would be food and drink mess, dirt, arts and craft supplies, body fluids, body parts. In a sitcom, they always wander through with an empty laundry basket, sighing and bitching about the mess. If it were only that easy of loading that basket. We all know better, don't we? There will be sweat and tears cleaning up a real mess.

4. Everyone gets up in the morning looking like a million dollars, and will almost always say "I need to do something with myself before I can go out." Please, if I looked half as good as Fran Drescher or Rue McClanahan when they come to breakfast, I'd be thrilled. Aunt Mark, with no makeup on, curlers in, one eye crusted shut and a bathrobe stained with coffee, wanders out of the bedroom stinking of Ben Gay and stale sex. You never see this on the sitcoms. Even when they are trying to look like this, all they do is squint their eyes and hang their mouth open.  

5. Everything always ends in happy-ever-after with families hugging and loving each other. I'm sorry, in my house growing up, we didn't all hold hands and sing "Kumbaya" as part of some conflict resolution mediation. As our days ended we went to our respective bedrooms, muttering under our breaths, plotting revenge and reveling in our contempt for the world.

You'd think television was opposed to presenting reality. Thank god we have shows like Jersey Shore and the Bachelor to show us what REALITY is all about.  -

Love ya all,

Auntie

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Aunt Mark Goes Camping and Pitches a Tent Over It

Dear Potato Bugs:

     Aunt Mark decided she needed a break from this frosty, wet weather (reminds me of sex with my ex husband) and she decided to head to points south. Funds are low, as you well know, and Auntie hasn't been able to whore herself out at the Super 8 like she used to. A new plan was required to make this jaunt affordable. My solution: CAMPING!!!!

      As a child, Aunt Mark was schlepped to Bowman Lake State Park with mumsy, daddems and the siblings for a delightful weekend of pissing behind maple trees and arguing. I was never a fan of the outdoors, nor did I enjoy the smell of the tents, the damp, chilly mornings or the incessant birds chirping. I'm an indoor gal. Yes, there were a few things to recommend like the smells of coffee brewing and bacon cooking mixed with the morning air. That was pure heaven. But lets face it, they could be frying bacon in a septic tank and we'd all come running. Nope..by and large, Aunt Mark prefers to cuddled up on the couch sipping warm Ovaltine and watching Nick at Nite. So, camping is not the usual "go to" option for me.

     Until this week. I wanted just a few days in the warm sun, and looking at the nation's weather map, there were not a lot of choices that didn't require a passport. Global warming MY ASS! This country is colder than two feet up a polar bear's ass. My bones and my joints are aching and my toes and nose are froze. So...after checking out all my options, South Florida SEEMED like the best choice. So, I threw the tent, the Coleman stove, the sleeping bag, a lantern, and box full of supplies (aka Little Debbie Cakes, Matches, Dinty Moore Beef Stew and toilet paper) into my Cadillac and strated the long drive to the Everglades.

     Upon arrival, I had to convince myself it was safe to get out of the car and that the season guest star of Dexter was not dumping bodies the next campsite over. Fears abated, mostly from a need to pee, I climbed out of the car and ran for the tall grass to crouch. In a position most gals should not get into unless the guy has paid for a really nice lobster dinner, I began the tinkle process. Out of the corner of my eye, there I saw a big, long scaley body sunning itself in the Florida heat. My rear end to the wind, I have no idea why all I could think of was Gilda Radner's song "Let's Talk Dirty to the Animals" and the specific lyric "Never Tell an Alligator Bite My Ass." As humorous as this was, the pee kept a coming and once its going, there is no intermission to run from reptiles. My heart beating a million beats a minute, I tried to finish my business when I remembered I had left the toilet paper in the car. How can you run with your pantyhose around your ankles without tripping? I started to understand what the dumb blondes in horror films must feel like when their heel breaks just inches away from a chainsaw wielding republican.  So...I stood there and dripped dry...and I'm pretty sure that alligator was smiling. Now Auntie is no spring chicken, but that perverted gator grin made me feel spry...like he was liking what he was seeing. Then I realized, eating me was definitely the plan and NOT in the good way! No...I slipped up my hosiery, and tiptoded back to the car and headed for teh Super 8.

 I guess this gal had a   few free nights left in her after all.  

Aunt Mark Shakes Her Golden Globes

Dear Potatobugs:

    Aunt Mark, after complaining about a year's worth of shitty films, spent last night watching her second favorite awards show of the year: the Golden Globes. No ...we are not talking about my lovely pair of perky breasts (I keep those tucked in my socks) but the awards show put on by the Hollywood and Foreign Press every January. The best part about the Globes is that, even though every one's dressed like they are going to a prom, everyone behaves like they are at the after prom party. Its all very touchy, feel, chummy with celebs and the booze flowing freely, so odds are pretty good someone is going to trip going to the stage. There are plenty of cameras fixed on the tables to pick up reactions, laughter, eye rolls, gnashing teeth and the occasional moment when a certain Sheen can be caught dry humping a dessert cart. It is loads of fun in that schadenfreude sort of way.

     The evening begins with host Ricky Gervais, who might be sexy if it weren't for that whole British orthodontia thing where you can grate cheese on their teeth...and it usually looks like someone did, with a nice chunky piece of Roquefort. Gervais isn't quite this bad, but somehow Auntie is distracted by British mouths even when they are closed. I just assume there is a cheese monster waiting to get out and abscond with my Triscuits (that may have been dirty, I'm not sure). Anyway...Sir Ricky was batting the jokes out of the park, left and right, giving Hollywood their comeuppance for being the ridiculous parade of fools they are. Everyone responded with nervous titters, perhaps afraid that they would offend people with their laughter and they'd have to start earning roles again via the casting couch. The guy was funny and, mean spirited or not, these people have to stop taking themselves so seriously, so his dose of acid wit is just what Aunt Mark ordered.

      Awards are given out. That yummy little dish of tea and crumpet Christian Bale picks up an award for some boxing movie that four people saw. Doesn't matter, Mr. Bale was sporting some long, beautiful locks that Auntie could just imagine caressing her cottage cheese thighs while he...well...I'll leave that one to the imagination. Glee picked up a few: one for the scary ass, lesbian gym teacher and one for the emotionally wrought, stoic drag queen intern. The show also won best comedy, which had everyone at Modern Family all in a twist. Apparently they thought they had the corner on the gay market. Surprise..Glee has showtunes, so its more likely to get the Hollywood homos on board. If you get Ed O'Neill and Eric Stonestreet doing a duet of "Bosom Buddies", we'll have a re vote. Until then, Glee wins it!       

     Auntie honestly doesn't give a tinker's damn as to what won in the movies categories as I have asserted before that Hollywood has been raping us this last year with their sub-par crapolla! The Social Network won, as did Natalie Portman and Colin Firth, blah blah blah. I was happy to see Toy Story 3 take home the best animated film award...at first.! Then I got thinking...why the hell didn't it get nominated for best comedy or musical? This film was far superior than any of the nonsense nominated in that category. It was, in fact, the best film of the year and I am hopeful that the Oscars will be more generous to this beautiful entertainment and include it amongst its ten nominees for "Best Picture."

     In general, the night was very predictable and by the time everything wrapped up, it was Mr. Gervais who had managed to do the entertaining. Granted, it was at the expense of many people's feelings, but everyone knows it was satire. The people in that audience would have been pissed if they had been overlooked, but are just as annoyed if they are well-known enough to be the object of ridicule. Robert Downey, Jr. is the only person who handled it gracefully by joking back with him. People...its an awards show about a make believe world. Have some fun with it and get the potential Oscar dislodged from your ass! In other words, come see Aunt Mark and she'll shake her Golden Globes in your face for the price of a white wine spritzer.

Sick of the Sickness

Dear Potatobugs:

   Aunt Mark is noticing that, with the time of the year being a favorite traveling time for germs (and I don't mean Justin Bieber's latest tour), that there are a lot of sickies running around out there. I, myself, am suffering from a case of the stomach bug which has kept me in perpetual anticipation and pondering the constant quandary of which end of me to aim for the porcelain first. And before you all groan with disgust, I think it is quite fair to assume that we have ALL been in this position once or twice. Why is it that, when "all is said and done" that there is nothing cooler and more soothing than laying down on the linoleum tiles of a bathroom floor? Does dehydration cause such a euphoria that this thought that one we would never consider under any other terms, suddenly seems not only acceptable, but the preferable thing to do?

    The rest of the year, I could give two how-do-ya-dos about saltines, ginger ale and Gator Aid. When I am sick, I crave them. I would kill for them, if I had the strength. The part I don't get is, when I am nauseous, I suddenly begin having cravings for things that are a REALLY bad idea...things you know that, as soon as they hit ground zero during ye olde stomach flu, that PARTICULAR food will be lost to you for life. Aunt Mark has been entirely ruined for egg rolls, pepperoni, spaghettios, Trix cereal and prune jelly...a Jackson Pollack of epic proportions.  

     What pisses me off is, you never have a good idea of what medication to take when you are sick. Pepto Bismol is supposed to be for an upset stomach, nausea and diarrhea, yet it is near impossible to get past the gag reflexes. I go to buy cold medicine, and I have no idea at this vulnerable point in my life what I am doing, nor do I have the patience or the focus to read labels. I stand in the pharmacy aisle of the A&P muttering under my breath "what the hell are these ingredients? Am I going to die if they don't mix with my blood pressure medication? Am I even on blood pressure medication? Where DO babies come from? What is Rosebud and why have I never finished watching that movie?" Then I just buy Tylenol and hope for the best.

     Congestion and a runny nose are also a real pain in the rump, but the worst of these kinds of ailments is the one nostril that clogs and you are left breathing lopsided all day. You walk around, head turned at a slant because you feel like one sinus is weighed down with a cement block. You lay down to take a rest and low and behold, miracle of miracles, it begins to drain. You leap up in ecstatic joy, elated to take your first two-nostril breathe in three days.........only to feel it shift to the other nostril and the cement block swing like a pendulum to the other side of your face. The bitch of living!

     So Aunt Mark hopes you all invest in some Lysol and spray yourself down with it before stepping out into public. Take some long term precautions for your health as well:

1. Don't sleep with Lindsey Lohan
2. Wash your hands at least once a week.
3. Don't sleep with Lindsey Lohan
4. Get plenty of vitamin C - a mimosa a day keeps the doctor away
5. Don't sleep with Lindsey Lohan
6. All children are walking germ amusement parks...lock them in the basement until flu season is over
7. Don't sleep with Lindsey Lohan, but if you must, Lysol first.

    You may not agree with Aunt Mark's suggestions and to that I say, "Let me help you with that rectal thermometer!...Vaseline? Nope...sorry...we are fresh out."
  

Horoscope Horrors and What The Heck IS Ophiuschus???

Dear Potato Bugs:

     Facebook has been in a frenzy over the new rules regarding updated astroligical charts due to the earths change of alignment since the first charts were conjured over 3,000 years ago. Blah, blah, blah and whatever right? Well, I have never told you this, but Auntie is a BIG fan of the stars and how they tell they future....however, my original map is out the window and now I feel like I am driving through the cosmos with a GPS that doesn't show secondary roads. I can only imagine how lost and distraught you all are. So...being the generous old broad that I am, I have decided to create a new guide for you to get you through the changes and help you acclimate to your new sign (if you have one). Here goes...and I must warn you in advance, you are required to embrace your new personality traits...the stars have said so...I think the cast of Glee even sang a song about it.

Aries: was(March 20th - April 19th) now (April 19th to May 13th)

      It used to be that Aries people were creative, insightful, stubborn, ambitious and prone to having a short fuse. In the "New Aries" we find our Ram is more like a lamb, with a side of mint jelly.Now if you are Aries, you are fussy and gassy...still prone to a short fuse, but this one can be controled with a Beano tablet before dinner.

Taurus: (April 20th - May 19th) now (May 13th to June 21st)

      The old Taurus was strong, stubborn, firm but could also be sympathetic if not empathetic. The new Taurus is likely to go through your medicine cabinet while using your bathroom. Hide your good meds if you have Taurus over for dinner.

Gemini: (May 20th - June 20th) now (June 21st to July 20th)

      Flexibility, balance and adaptability were the old watchcries of a Gemini. In the new realm, however, you are allowed to take the dual personality of the twins to a new level. Bipolar is fun for the new Gemini, but don't ever talk to one. They are too busy having a conversation with themself. Be careful, though, the Gemini gets their period twice a month, making them the crankiest of all signs.

Cancer: (June 21st - July 21st) now (July 20th to August 10th)

      The old Cancer was attracted to the home life and family. The New Cancer is the same way. In this case, however, all Cancer's are polygamists and are never content with just one family. If you are a Cancer, you are probably a sex addict or really enjoy interior decorating, and your neigbor's wife is excited to meet you.

Leo: (July 22 - August 22) now (August 10th to September 16th)

     Leo's used to be exuberant, natural leaders and drawn to power. In the transition, however, the Leo has now become bored and smarmy. The lion that was once their symbol is almost gone, with little left of his presence but he or she lying in a corner licking themself. Leo's are at a much greater risk of choking on hairballs.

Virgo: - (August 23rd - September 21st) now September 16th to October 30th)
    
     Virgo - the Virgin. You weren't getting any before and you aren't getting any now. Deal with it.

Libra: (September 22nd - October 22nd) now (October 30th to November 23rd)

     Justice, balance and stability (like a scale) were the characteristics of the old Libra. Well..the new Libra broke the scale. All Libras have fat asses and a penchant for Hostess Ho Hos.

Scorpio: (October 23rd - November 21st) now (November 23rd to November 29th)

      Scorpio's used to be enterprising, cool and collected. The Scorpion still has their sting, but now it is akin to the wit of a drunken drag queen. If you are a Scorpio male, your dick will fall off. If you are a female Scorpio, you will grow a dick and it will fall off. Either way, you are gonna be imitating Liza Minnelli at an East Greenwich Village bar. Get out your Halston Chiffon.

Ophiuchus: (Didn't exist) now (November 29th - December 17th)

      This is the one that didn't used to exist, so it means you never had a personality. The good news is, things remained status quo for you. You are still a boring ass piece of shit, now we just deigned you worthy of being identified and ignored.

Sagittarius: (November 22 - December 20) now (December 17th - January 20th)

      The Old Sagittarius was a focused philosopher and very intense. The New Sagittarius suffers from a low sex drive and an inabilty to digest raw fibre. Sagittarians can expect to spend a lot of time on the toilet as constipation is your constellation. Avoid anal intercourse and cheese products. Gotta keep the traffic moving.

Capricorn: (December 21 - January 19) now (January 20 - February 16th)

      In the old days, a Capricorn was practical, organized and a workaholic. Nowadays, a Capricorn will most likely be found playing scratch-off lotto cards or wandering aimlessly around OTB. Capricorns are most likely to feel you up on public transportation or ask you to hold a bag for them when  the police come around.  Never trust a Capricorn...espcially where child support payments and taxes are concerned.

Aquarius: (January 20 - February 18) now (February 16th - March 11th)

      Aquarius is a water bearer. That's a nice way of saying you were a douche bag then and you are a douche bag now. Aquarians stink of Good Season's Italian Dressing and mothballs.

Pisces: (February 19 - March 19) now (March 11th to April 18th)

      Finally, Pisces. The old Pisces was trustworthy, unassuming and quiet. The New Pisces is likely to drown in their own body fluids from their complacent manner. According to the new charts, Aunt Mark is now a Pisces. I say screw F**k that! I was born an Aries and I will stay an Aries, hot tempered AND gassy. The best of both worlds...the old AND the new.

Aunt Mark's Winter Blahs and How They Chap Her Nether Regions

Aunt Mark HATES January and pretty much carries that sentiment through the absurdity of Valentine's Day and well up until Easter when the good Lord died for out sins and was resurrected to help decorate eggs.These post Holiday blahs have me so chapped in my begonias that I have even stopped caring about Prince William and Kate's wedding. Eh...what does it matter..the whole thing looks like a ROYAL pain in the ass with a queen taking a queen, so to speak. But...I digress...as usual...

       So...how do we find a way to take flight a la Mary Martin and fly past these blues? What magical pixie dust sends us aloft and makes us forget our troubles...other than liquor and pills, that is? Well...Aunt Mark is going to give you her top ten suggestions for getting you through the icy cold with the warm sensation of Rum Toddies leaking down your nether regions.

1. Watch the 700 Club and make a drinking game out of it. Everytime someone says "family values," slap your significant other and down a tequila shot in honor of the fact that you KNOW the true meaning of "family values" and you don't rely on the narrow definition by the christian right. If you've slept with it...it's a tax deduction.

2. Take Up a New Hobby. You'd be amazed the new lease on life things like scrapbooking, stamp collecting and sado masochism can give you, if you are just willing to step outside your comfort zone. Aunt Mark has just tried on her new leather thigh highs and oiled her riding crop. Now...to just get some stamps.

3. Try Watching Some New TV Shows. So you have seen all the usual crap and most of that is in reruns...try watching the stuff that will be canceled by next Fall so you can better appreciate the shit you watch now when it DOES return next month with "All new Episodes." Please to God...people...WATCH SOMETHING BESIDES JERSEY SHORE!  Between Snookie and the Situation, I am convinced that NJ is STILL the most polluted state in the U.S.

4. Make Several Phone Calls to Your State Senator and Representative - It is time we irritate the hell out of these people and get them to start listening to us. Who among us TRULY believes that their politician in Washington is doing what we need and want? If we badger them with letters, calls and the occasional stalking, they have to take us seriously. Even better, I say "Aunt Mark for president in 2012"...you wanna see nothing get done in style, set me up with bean bag chair and a wii in the oval offfice.

5. Shave Spots On Your Body You've Never Dared Try: Okay...Okay...I know you are titillated by the image of Aunt Mark with her legs over head, support hose tangled and the used Epilady she picked up at a garage sale positioned ever so carefully in her begonia field...but lets face it gals...there is something about the smoothness of the body that is made all the more bracing with the Winter air.

6. Sunbathe -Go out in your front yard, spread out a blanket, lay down in a bikini and pretend to be Summer suntanning. You'll be delighted at the number of second looks you get from neighbors...and this gives you a chance to show off your new flower patch. Aunt Mark tried this last February and there was a six car pileup...most from the fact that she had her bikini top on backwards. A raisin the sun.

7. Read a Book - There are plenty of books just lying around your house that you have been meaning to get to. Tess of the D'Urbervilles, Great Expectations, Cather in the Rye. I read the Phone Book last Winter and was surprised at how well it held up since its first printing over 100 years ago. Not much on plot, but the cast of characters is rich and varied.      

8. Make Out With Your Mail Delivery Person - Let's face it, they have a shitty job and you have a shitty life...so why not at least be guaranteed a "package delivery" everyday?

9.Exercise. So endorphins are supposed to make us feel better. So why don't they kick in just a tad sooner than when the workout is over so we fell like sticking with it? I once read about this woman who had orgasms everytime she did sit ups or jumping jacks. If that were the case, Aunt Mark would have a six pack as she would be exercising in her sleep. As it is...exercise for me is walking to the pantry to get bowl of Fruity Pebbles.

10. Make sure you read your Aunt Mark.  When she has one of her funny days, she's a hell of a blast to be with. Okay...so today she's in a pissy mood today and the humor isn't flowing like it usually does, but since I don't hear whether you laugh or not, why should I give a rat's ass? Just keep reading...cuz I am bound to find the G-spot of humor again!

Aunt Mark's Proverbs to Live By

Never look a gift whore in the mouth

If the shoe fits, kick em with it!

and by all means

Anything worth doing...had better be young enough to pick you up off the floor when you are done

Justin Bieber and the Aunties Great Confusion

Dear Potato Bugs:

     Aunt Mark has been doing some mulling (or stewing) these last few days over celebrities that I just don't understand. There are certain people that I just cannot help wonder why the world finds any allure in their presence. Their purpose has yet to be explained to me. So...here goes...Aunt Mark's Top Ten List of Celebrities and WTF Are They Doing in the Lime Light????

10. Regis Philbin - the guy is loud...very loud and has zero charm. I cannot believe that Kelly Rippa doesn't just reach over and smack the crap out of his skull! Fortunately for Regis, I don't think that gal can find her hand at the end of her arm, so he's safe. But seriously...how DID Regis come to fame? He's not sexy...unless troll dolls make you horny. He is unwelcoming...like being trapped at a bossy in-laws house.Why has this man had the career that he has?

9. Paris Hilton - It's not really a surprise that she is famous. Fame can be bought, with Visa or Masterskank. Other than that, what does she have to offer? Why do the tabloids keep reporting on her? Someone, somewhere MUST care what this train wreck is up to...I just have never met anyone who admits to it.

8. Richard Simmons - Is it fair to say that he just scares me? I pray, everytime he is on television, that those short-shorts will not creep up any further so I have to give him a personal gynecological exam. Perhaps this is how he helps people get thin? Let's his balls hang just within view so we all lose our lunch? Talk about "Deal-a-Meal"...or...more to the point...Sweatin' to HIS Oldies...

7. Lindsey Lohan - again...we just encourage her nonsense. Are we as a society REALLY such ambulance chasers? All we have to do is look at the Box Office reciepts for any of her movies to realize that yes, we like a bloody mess sprawled across the screen!

6. Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson -  I know, I know...they are supposed to be two separate people, but I have yet to see any real evidence of this since Twilight began hypnotizing me with its mundane bullshit. Stewart, to paraphrase the great Dorothy Parker, runs the gammit of emotions from "A to B" and the whiter you make Pattinson, the uglier the guy gets. The two add up to barely half a performer, and let's face it, if it weren't for Taylor Lautner's abs, none of us would give a flying crap about Twilight!

5. Sarah Palin: The more the faux folksy nut job talks, the more I hate America for embracing her...but I think that is her intention. She wants to create an America that we all hate so that she can swoop in on her broomstick and make us think she fixed it. I don't know where that puts America, but I DO know where she can put that broom handle. In the process, we might find what is left of her husband.

4. The Jonas Brothers - Purity rings or cock rings, who gives a crap? This is the gayest act I have ever seen, so abstaining from sex with girls is hardly a challenge. That would be like abstaining from sex with rutabegas. It's not a hard thing to do. Yes...they are generically cute in a carved out of cream cheese sort of way, and Auntie does have this fantasy that involves getting all three brass purity rings off that carousel. I know..I know...one of them is married...blah blah blah...until I see a bloodied bedsheet, I stand by my convictions.

3. Barbara Walters and the ENTIRE panel of The View: Auntie is saddened for women over this show. The lack of civility makes is look like five intelligent women cannot sit down and have a reasonable conversation. Girls...we all know we can have a perfectly lovely chat and disagree without storming out and insulting our house guests. Why can't this quintet get through a contraversial episode without Joy screaming, Whoopie storming off, Elisabeth alienating half the country and Barbara flooding her granny panties? In fact, Sherrie Shephard is the smartest of the batch playing hopelessly clueless...and she is much better on Community.  Wait...is that her? I get so confused!!!

2. Charlie Sheen: I don't care if he's a drunk. I don't care where he puts his dinker-donker. I don't care if Two and a Half Men is canceled or used as torture for political prisoners. The guy was a delicious glass of iced tea in the 1980's, but now, he is more like a lukewarm shot of prune juice with a piss chaser. He plays the same charcater in everything he does and that character is Charlie Sheen. I think it is time to recast the role of Charlie Sheen with say...Robert Downey, Jr...I think his resume proves he is up to the demands.

1. Justin Bieber - Honest to God, he is number one on my list because I cannot figure out for the life of me why teeny bopper girls are mooning over this ....for lack of a better word..."boy." It would make sense to me if lesbians liked him because his fashion sense is that of most Lilith Fair survivors, but what does a teen girl see in a lad whose voice is higher than theirs, and his face is prettier? His latest dalliance with Selena Gomez has me so confused...because...let us be honest, girls...weren't we sure up to this point that Ms. Bieber was a "Friend of Dorothy"?

Aunt Mark's Blog Contest - If You Don't Try to Win, I Am Leaving You Out of the Will!

Aunt Mark's Blog Contest:

Aunt Mark needs readers and she is shameless in how she will achieve big numbers (Look for the Aunt Mark 2012 pinup calendar) and she is having a contest to see which of you can bring in the most followers. The winner will receive a personalized Aunt Mark care package full of all kids of fun. So...to find out what is in an Aunt Mark care package, bring in the most followers, Here is what you do...

1. Get your friends to follow my blog

2. Once they do, have them email me at auntmark22@gmail.com and tell me who recruited them to the site.

You will be delighted and thrilled at the PRIZE!!!!! Contest ends on March 1st!

COMMERCIAL CARTOON CHARACTERS THAT SNAP, CRACKLE and POP MY CHERRY

     Earlier this week, Aunt Mark went on a tirade about the ridiculousness of television commercials and their inabilty to CLEARLY sell the product they are advertising. Now, don't get me wrong. I enjoy a clever commercial. That baby in the rolling walker, blazing down the highway to "I've Got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates" tests the durability of my Depends Undergarments everytime it comes on the television. Unfortunately, I remember that commercial vividly, but I cannot remember what it is selling. Look at the state of Old Navy ads? When Old Navy was a store I actually shopped at because their clothing was interesting and colorful, their commercials were clever, campy, kitsch full of random TV stars of decades past. Carrie Donovan, looking like a Republican Drag Queen (as the host) pushing cargo pants and performance fleece. Now...the commercials are just confusing...usually a bunch of random, perfect ten, 20-somethings moving through a field of wild flowers with the wind blowing perfectly through their hair. PLEASE!!!! The clothes look like they were stolen from dead winos.

     Growing up, it was the cartoon and child-friendly charcaters that I adored and, today, Aunt Mark is giving her awards for the TEN most EFFECTIVE cartoon character spokesmen, and her reasons why. Aren't you all simply wriggling with excitment to see where I take this?????? Just shut the hell up and read!

Number 10: The Pink Panther - I do not even know what the brand was, but the pink panther was pushing household insulation. At age five, I wanted to redo our attic simply because I was sure the Pink Panther would show up (preferably with his cousin Snagglepuss) and roll out fiberglass to a Henrey Mancini tune. Sad, but true. Aunt Mark was a lonely a girl who spent a lot of time watering dandelions with the garden hose.

Number 9: Sam the Toucan - Fruit Loops!!! Many a gay boy (and his fag hag) strung their first rainbow necklace with these delightful, gay friendly cereal bites. And what better than a British voiced, blue toucan with a rainbow bill to be their early childhood mascot? The craving for Fruit Loops started VERY early and has continued into adulthood for many. The difference is, these boys don't go looking in a box to find the prize!!!

Number 8: The Energizer Bunny - Has there every been anything sexier, more erotic, more promising of a durable, good time than the Energizer Bunny? Rabbits, known for their sexual prowess, and this one wearing pink and sunglasses. It's like being in a Wham video ...and just like George Michael, you are guaranteed the bunny will bang your drum. As it is, Aunt Mark keeps a pack of C batteries in her bedside table.

Number 7: Charlie the Tuna -  I include this because I wanted to make sure that all of my lesbian readers felt included. There is nothing like a fish who has no qualms about selling himself on behalf of the product. It was like seafood prostitution. Still...my main concern was his Brooklyn accent. I have seen the water near Brooklyn and I wouldn't want to eat any tuna fish that came out of THAT ocean.

Number 6: The Pillsbury Dough Boy - Ahhhh one of our favorite images from my last post comes back to haunt you. Well, gals, dripping biscuits or not, this jolly little baker fellow with the annoying laugh promises wonderful baked goods...and Aunt Mark thinks Pillsbury Crescents should be served at every meal. Okay...so when you push his tummy you really want to jam it so hard he craps baking soda...but its the price we pay for fresh-from-the-oven carbs in 10 minutes.

Number 5: Ronald McDonald and the McDonaldland Gang - Due to our inabilty to stop after three Big Mac's, apparently there is an obesity epidemic in our country, the result being : these fun charcaters that made going to McDonalds a fun treat have been pushed by the wayside. McDonalds is responsible for my lack of self control? Please...when I go to McDonalds, I know it is bad for me and I am entirely in control of that decision. It has NEVER been a secret that the place is a divine provider of fat and empty calories. Frankly, I long for the days when the apple pies and french fries were deep fat fried in beef fat and the cookies tasted like sweet sticks of butter. The fault lies with parents who have made McDonalds an everyday choice rather than a now and again treat. But I digress. These characters were just so much fun and it was all a part of the Mickey D's experience to encounter the Hamburglar, Mayor McCheese, The Professor, Captain Crook, Big Mac, Grimace and Ronald. Birdie came later and was McDonald's pain in the ass way of making sure there was a female character that the girls could relate to. Frankly, though, I think Grimace looks like a great big, upside down vagina (from the 1970's...before trimming was in) so he/she should have counted and saved us from the Birdie nonsense.

Number 4:   The Michelen Man - so what if he looks like a contestant on The Biggest Loser and has enough rolls to open a bakery, a gal like Aunt Mark likes a little cushin' for the pushin'....he can rotate my tires ANYDAY! Besides...tires are expensive and I am not above sleeping with anyone for freebies.

Number 3:  The Cocoa Puffs Bird - That crazy ass bird JUST gets it! If you are going to go cuckoo, it aint for Corn Flakes. If you are going to piss yourself, it wont be over Raisin Bran. If you lose your shit for breakfast cereal, it sure as hell will not be over a nasty-ass bowl of Wheaties. No...if you are going to take breakfast to lunatic proportions, it needs to be over a chocolate flavored, sugar cereal with no nutritional value. Part of a balanced breakfast of Ritalin and Insulin.

Number 2: The Hamburger Helper Hand -  Since the days of the Addams Family, I have always had an affection for a dismembered hand with its own personality. I mean, gals, thats the kind of hand that can fit under a cooking apron...if ya know what I mean. And who couldn't use and extra "hand" in the kitchen?

Number 1: Chester Cheetah - I think we can all agree that this was the coolest of all cartoon characters to sucker us into buying crap. Pot smokers around the world got their start with a bag of cheetos and that led to the use of the Mary Jane. Now...Aunt Mark would never be caught dead with a doobie in her purse, but I do get the munchies after an overdose of estrogen, and Chester Cheetah has always been there to see me through the hot flashes.

Honorable Mentions: Tony the Tiger, Dig Em', The Honeynut Cheerios Bee, The Trix Rabbit, The Snuggle Bear and the best threesome I ever made a foursome...Snap, Crackle and Pop.

Aunt Mark's Blog Contest:

Aunt Mark needs readers and she is shameless in how she will achieve big numbers (Look for the Aunt Mark 2012 pinup calendar) and she is having a contest to see which of you can bring in the most followers. The winner will receive a personalized Aunt Mark care package full of all kids of fun. So...to find out what is in an Aunt Mark care package, bring in the most followers, Here is what you do...

1. Get your friends to follow my blog

2. Once they do, have them email me at auntmark22@gmail.com and tell me who recruited them to the site.

You will be delighted and thrilled at the PRIZE!!!!! Contest ends on March 1st!