Earlier this week, Aunt Mark went on a tirade about the ridiculousness of television commercials and their inabilty to CLEARLY sell the product they are advertising. Now, don't get me wrong. I enjoy a clever commercial. That baby in the rolling walker, blazing down the highway to "I've Got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates" tests the durability of my Depends Undergarments everytime it comes on the television. Unfortunately, I remember that commercial vividly, but I cannot remember what it is selling. Look at the state of Old Navy ads? When Old Navy was a store I actually shopped at because their clothing was interesting and colorful, their commercials were clever, campy, kitsch full of random TV stars of decades past. Carrie Donovan, looking like a Republican Drag Queen (as the host) pushing cargo pants and performance fleece. Now...the commercials are just confusing...usually a bunch of random, perfect ten, 20-somethings moving through a field of wild flowers with the wind blowing perfectly through their hair. PLEASE!!!! The clothes look like they were stolen from dead winos.
Growing up, it was the cartoon and child-friendly charcaters that I adored and, today, Aunt Mark is giving her awards for the TEN most EFFECTIVE cartoon character spokesmen, and her reasons why. Aren't you all simply wriggling with excitment to see where I take this?????? Just shut the hell up and read!
Number 10: The Pink Panther - I do not even know what the brand was, but the pink panther was pushing household insulation. At age five, I wanted to redo our attic simply because I was sure the Pink Panther would show up (preferably with his cousin Snagglepuss) and roll out fiberglass to a Henrey Mancini tune. Sad, but true. Aunt Mark was a lonely a girl who spent a lot of time watering dandelions with the garden hose.
Number 9: Sam the Toucan - Fruit Loops!!! Many a gay boy (and his fag hag) strung their first rainbow necklace with these delightful, gay friendly cereal bites. And what better than a British voiced, blue toucan with a rainbow bill to be their early childhood mascot? The craving for Fruit Loops started VERY early and has continued into adulthood for many. The difference is, these boys don't go looking in a box to find the prize!!!
Number 8: The Energizer Bunny - Has there every been anything sexier, more erotic, more promising of a durable, good time than the Energizer Bunny? Rabbits, known for their sexual prowess, and this one wearing pink and sunglasses. It's like being in a Wham video ...and just like George Michael, you are guaranteed the bunny will bang your drum. As it is, Aunt Mark keeps a pack of C batteries in her bedside table.
Number 7: Charlie the Tuna - I include this because I wanted to make sure that all of my lesbian readers felt included. There is nothing like a fish who has no qualms about selling himself on behalf of the product. It was like seafood prostitution. Still...my main concern was his Brooklyn accent. I have seen the water near Brooklyn and I wouldn't want to eat any tuna fish that came out of THAT ocean.
Number 6: The Pillsbury Dough Boy - Ahhhh one of our favorite images from my last post comes back to haunt you. Well, gals, dripping biscuits or not, this jolly little baker fellow with the annoying laugh promises wonderful baked goods...and Aunt Mark thinks Pillsbury Crescents should be served at every meal. Okay...so when you push his tummy you really want to jam it so hard he craps baking soda...but its the price we pay for fresh-from-the-oven carbs in 10 minutes.
Number 5: Ronald McDonald and the McDonaldland Gang - Due to our inabilty to stop after three Big Mac's, apparently there is an obesity epidemic in our country, the result being : these fun charcaters that made going to McDonalds a fun treat have been pushed by the wayside. McDonalds is responsible for my lack of self control? Please...when I go to McDonalds, I know it is bad for me and I am entirely in control of that decision. It has NEVER been a secret that the place is a divine provider of fat and empty calories. Frankly, I long for the days when the apple pies and french fries were deep fat fried in beef fat and the cookies tasted like sweet sticks of butter. The fault lies with parents who have made McDonalds an everyday choice rather than a now and again treat. But I digress. These characters were just so much fun and it was all a part of the Mickey D's experience to encounter the Hamburglar, Mayor McCheese, The Professor, Captain Crook, Big Mac, Grimace and Ronald. Birdie came later and was McDonald's pain in the ass way of making sure there was a female character that the girls could relate to. Frankly, though, I think Grimace looks like a great big, upside down vagina (from the 1970's...before trimming was in) so he/she should have counted and saved us from the Birdie nonsense.
Number 4: The Michelen Man - so what if he looks like a contestant on The Biggest Loser and has enough rolls to open a bakery, a gal like Aunt Mark likes a little cushin' for the pushin'....he can rotate my tires ANYDAY! Besides...tires are expensive and I am not above sleeping with anyone for freebies.
Number 3: The Cocoa Puffs Bird - That crazy ass bird JUST gets it! If you are going to go cuckoo, it aint for Corn Flakes. If you are going to piss yourself, it wont be over Raisin Bran. If you lose your shit for breakfast cereal, it sure as hell will not be over a nasty-ass bowl of Wheaties. No...if you are going to take breakfast to lunatic proportions, it needs to be over a chocolate flavored, sugar cereal with no nutritional value. Part of a balanced breakfast of Ritalin and Insulin.
Number 2: The Hamburger Helper Hand - Since the days of the Addams Family, I have always had an affection for a dismembered hand with its own personality. I mean, gals, thats the kind of hand that can fit under a cooking apron...if ya know what I mean. And who couldn't use and extra "hand" in the kitchen?
Number 1: Chester Cheetah - I think we can all agree that this was the coolest of all cartoon characters to sucker us into buying crap. Pot smokers around the world got their start with a bag of cheetos and that led to the use of the Mary Jane. Now...Aunt Mark would never be caught dead with a doobie in her purse, but I do get the munchies after an overdose of estrogen, and Chester Cheetah has always been there to see me through the hot flashes.
Honorable Mentions: Tony the Tiger, Dig Em', The Honeynut Cheerios Bee, The Trix Rabbit, The Snuggle Bear and the best threesome I ever made a foursome...Snap, Crackle and Pop.
Aunt Mark's Blog Contest:
Aunt Mark needs readers and she is shameless in how she will achieve big numbers (Look for the Aunt Mark 2012 pinup calendar) and she is having a contest to see which of you can bring in the most followers. The winner will receive a personalized Aunt Mark care package full of all kids of fun. So...to find out what is in an Aunt Mark care package, bring in the most followers, Here is what you do...
1. Get your friends to follow my blog
2. Once they do, have them email me at auntmark22@gmail.com and tell me who recruited them to the site.
You will be delighted and thrilled at the PRIZE!!!!! Contest ends on March 1st!
The post is hysterical. Love it!
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