Camel Toes and Tobacco Woes

Dear Potatobugs:

      Aunt Mark was visiting the Wal-Mart the other day and I am seriously concerned about the direction our country is taking. Let’s face it – Wal-Mart IS a microcosm of our society and that picture is looking more like a Salvadore Dali painting every day. I am going to begin by stating some rules that I think should go without saying, but somehow, in Wal-Mart, they seem to have been forgotten.

1. If you weigh 200 pounds or more, skin-tight, light pink stretch pants are not a good idea. Watching you pick out your Chips Ahoy and Toaster Pastries, I do not NEED to see camel toe smiling back at me.

2. Shop like you drive a car folks. Right side of the aisle, only!!! Down the left is annoying and down the center will get my foot down the center of your skull. I will teach you some consideration!

3. When we are picking through the $5 movie bin together, don’t you dare throw the ones you’ve looked at in the hole that I am working on. We all know the best movie in the world is just waiting for us in the bottom of that thing, so quit hurling your copies of Cruel Intentions 2 and Operation Dumbo Drop into my workspace.   

4. Speaking of the cheap movie bin, would it really be all that hard to put them on a shelf where we can read the spines and speed up the process? I mean, for God’s sake, they cram that store with extra shelving during the holiday season. Take the one you use for holiday Chia Pet displays and set the cheapy flicks up on it. I can easily lose an hour of my life in that Black Hole of Calcutta: a half-hour looking for one GOOD movie and a half-hour trying to make my way to the surface.

5.  Instead of doing their little pre-opening cheerlead with the staff, how about a few training session in speed and how to use the cash register? Auntie has stood there in line watching some little old cashier lady ring 24 candles up individually. Even I know you hit “Quantity,” then “24,” then you scan one candle and bag them all. Hold up…never mind, with the years ya wait in line, you’ll need those candles for your next birthday cake.

6. You can bitch all you want about smoking, but those of us who enjoy a ciggy butt now and again know the good of it! Aunt Mark likes a nice big cigar before bed (but enough of my euphemisms for sex). Back to the problem: Don’t have one tobacco counter. Don’t make us have to come to you to get our fix.

We’re smokers, we can’t walk that far. We are easily winded. If you are that worried about us stealing them (and at $10 a pack, we will), drive around in a little pope mobile with a glass dome on it filled with cigarettes. At ten dollars a pack, you can afford to pay the old guy who hands out smiley face stickers to children to drive it.

7. Stop selling Justin Bieber nonsense. The world does not need his face everywhere. I get that the pre-teens like to have him on a school folder or a lunch box, but do I really need a Bieber lawn chair? If you really wanna make my day, slap his mug on a roll of toilet paper or an enema bag.

                Wal-Mart is a ridiculous place to shop and if their prices weren’t so much better than everywhere else, we’d never go. Ahhh…thank goodness for scab wages and cheaply made crap.