Aunt Mark's 2010 Movie Recap and Why She Gagged On Her Popcorn

Aunt Mark used to go the movies all the time. Ten years ago, I would see four or five in a weekend, that is how much of a movie buff I am. As of late, economics and product have kept me away from the cinema and the handful of times I have graced the multiplex seats with my ever rounding ass, I have found myself choking on the popcorn. Can movies really be this bad?

The following are the films Aunt Mark saw in the movie theatre during 2010. Embrace the sadness with me, will you? I saw 18 movies in 2010 which is down roughly 70% of what I usually see.

Shutter Island: Surprisingly, the first movie I choose to discuss was one that I actually enjoyed. This thriller that played games with our sense of reality was haunting to me and in general, I feel this this movie got a bad rap. Now...I need to make a few points here: 1) I went home from work early because I was sick and realized I didn't have my house key, so I needed to kill some time until my housemate got home. I decided to go see this movie to fill the time. 2) I had a 101 degree fever and a case of the trots. 3) This resulted in the twists and turns of this film having more to do with my tangled pantyhose in the restroom and fevered delusions than it did with great writing. A repeated viewing in August induced popcorn choking.

The Lovely Bones:  Okay…get off my ass, but I did not read the book and I have no intention to, as the movie depressed me to no end. Yes…I have heard it said that the book was far better than this anemic interpretation, but I have no desire to spend any more time on this upsetting scenario. Suffice it to say, the culprit was creepy from minute go and there was very little suspense to the whole thing. Anyone who looks like one of my relatives is automatically suspect.

When in Rome: Aunt Mark loves a good romantic comedy. This film would have been great if it weren’t missing two essentials of the genre: romance and humor. Katie Bell is perfect in the right role and Josh Duhamel can just walk around with no shirt on and pretty much be considered worth the price of admission (I’d pay for the 3-D glasses if he wants to try it with no pants), but these two together have all the sex appeal and ooh-la-la of a piss soaked sleeping bag.

Alice in Wonderland: What a useless and irritating interpretation of the Lewis Carroll classic.  A sequel of sorts to a story that required no further telling, with Johnny Depp revisiting every role he’s ever played to come up with the most uninteresting Mad Hatter ever. Did it occur to anyone else that the “nonsense” characters were behaving with more logic than Alice? This is not what Alice in Wonderland was ever about and it certainly deserved better than Tim Burton’s “Let’s make it look interesting, but let’s not bother with a story” approach!

Clash of the Titans: I saw this remake on my birthday after forcing down my first sushi-dinner ever. The regurgitation of that meal was a more interesting 3-D adventure than this overproduced, under-written slice of boring. Give me Harry Hamlin ANYTIME…and I don’t care how big Lisa Rinna’s lips are. I can do better.

Date Night: Take two of the funniest people on our planet today (Tina Fey and Steve Carell) and shoehorn them into the most unfunny enterprise since Evan Almighty, and you have a pretty good idea why this movie should never have been made. It was one notch shy of being as good as Adventures in Babysitting and roughly the same plot.

The Prince of Persia; The Sands of Time: Never was a story so rife with possibility and yet devoid of anything interesting. Ben Kingsley plays a villain that you feel no menace from and when Jake Gyllenhaal takes off his shirt, instead of that being a titillating experience, all you can do in concentrate on the weird patterns in his chest hair. The sands of time, indeed!!! I felt each grain as it passed through a constipated hourglass.

Twilight: Eclipse – How many times do I have to say it….this shit sucks! I read six pages of the first book and threw it against the wall for its lack of imagination. So you ask, “Why Aunt Mark, did you go to see the movies?” and I will answer you. Every time I see Taylor Lautner with his shirt off, my twat goes all-a-twitter! Sure…everyone else dreams of being sucked dry by the vampire Edward, but Aunt Mark is team Jacob all the way.

How to Train Your Dragon: Okay…cute story…even enjoyable…but animators have a choice to create ugly or pretty, and the Dreamworks people decided to make this the ugliest bunch of animated people to ever grace the screen. For my $8, I want eye candy. Even Toy Story had the sex appeal of Mr. Potato Head!

Valentine’s Day: Several stories revolving around the world’s gloomiest “holiday” that conveniently come together as one happily ever after. NONSENSE! UNBELIEVABLE! There is no way Julia Roberts could serve in the military…not with that hair!

Percy Jackson: The Lightening Thief: I enjoyed this movie so much I decided to buy the book and read it. Now…I hate the movie. Why do movie-makers decide to buy the rights to book and then change it so much when they make the movie? Do they have no trust in the success of the book?

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: This may have been a good movie, but I honestly couldn’t tell you for sure. I couldn’t get past two repulsive images in this film: 1) The piece of cheese going bad on the school blacktop, and 2) The weird looking red-headed kid who was freakishly abnormal. I wonder if they saved on payroll and used the same actor for both roles?

Hot Tub Time Machine: I will never understand the career of John Cusack. His acting is of a limited range and he is about as sexy as a saltine cracker in a tube top. The only good part of this film was that it took Aunt Mark back to the greatest era: the eighties…where threat of nuclear war kept us all appreciative of second rate films and leg warmers.

Death at a Funeral: Honest to God, in Aunt Mark’s opinion, this is one of the funniest films she has ever seen. I laughed so hard and for so long that I was sure I would blow the elastic in my support hose. Then, I find out that it is a remake of a British version of the story. So…I rent the tea and crumpets version and I did not laugh one iota. Now, I cannot help but associate the boring Brit flick with the American version and both are now wasted on me.

The Wolfman: I was taken aback at how much I enjoyed this film, as well. I have never been a giant fan of Benicio del Toro and let’s face it, we will never accept Anthony Hopkins as anything but Hannibal Lecter, but there was something old fashioned about this version of the horror classic that hearkens back to Aunt Mark’s youth in the 1940’s.

Nightmare on Elm Street: So…a remake of the Freddy Krueger tale that started it all! There is just something about a fairy tale that begins with children being molested and that results in a man burning to death that just speaks “magical” to me…and yes, you morons, the sarcasm IS implied. I am not sure why some director felt this story needed to be told twice, but it was barely told once, so I guess…why not?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part One also known as Harry Potter and the Deathly Long Wait for the Real Story to Begin in Part II. I understand why they broke this book in two and it actually makes sense that they did, but who is with me that this film was just one giant place holder until July of 2011 when they finally get around to something happening?  I miss there being a new Harry Potter book to look forward to, but this movie franchise has me up to my ears with impatience. After book two, the films became shorter and shorter to tell more and more story. Prisoner of Azkaban was artsy, but hardly a fair representation of what the book was about and it just got worse and worse with each installment. If it weren’t for Alan Rickman’s compelling Severus Snape, would we even care anymore? Although…Daniel Radlciffe did take off his shirt in Deathly Hallows…can you say “wingardium levisosa” in my granny panties?     

Toy Story 3: I cannot and WILL not say anything bad about this film. This movie was endearing, charming, heartfelt and the perfect ending to a fantastic trilogy…and, again, there is my Mr. Potato Head fetish. What more can a girl ask for?

So there you go, after 18 movies, Aunt Mark really ended up coming out adoring two. That’s roughly $180 in movie tickets spent for so little enjoyment. Thank god the popcorn is so damn good or else…I’d…choke…yack…ecccchhh.