Justin Bieber and the Aunties Great Confusion

Dear Potato Bugs:

     Aunt Mark has been doing some mulling (or stewing) these last few days over celebrities that I just don't understand. There are certain people that I just cannot help wonder why the world finds any allure in their presence. Their purpose has yet to be explained to me. So...here goes...Aunt Mark's Top Ten List of Celebrities and WTF Are They Doing in the Lime Light????

10. Regis Philbin - the guy is loud...very loud and has zero charm. I cannot believe that Kelly Rippa doesn't just reach over and smack the crap out of his skull! Fortunately for Regis, I don't think that gal can find her hand at the end of her arm, so he's safe. But seriously...how DID Regis come to fame? He's not sexy...unless troll dolls make you horny. He is unwelcoming...like being trapped at a bossy in-laws house.Why has this man had the career that he has?

9. Paris Hilton - It's not really a surprise that she is famous. Fame can be bought, with Visa or Masterskank. Other than that, what does she have to offer? Why do the tabloids keep reporting on her? Someone, somewhere MUST care what this train wreck is up to...I just have never met anyone who admits to it.

8. Richard Simmons - Is it fair to say that he just scares me? I pray, everytime he is on television, that those short-shorts will not creep up any further so I have to give him a personal gynecological exam. Perhaps this is how he helps people get thin? Let's his balls hang just within view so we all lose our lunch? Talk about "Deal-a-Meal"...or...more to the point...Sweatin' to HIS Oldies...

7. Lindsey Lohan - again...we just encourage her nonsense. Are we as a society REALLY such ambulance chasers? All we have to do is look at the Box Office reciepts for any of her movies to realize that yes, we like a bloody mess sprawled across the screen!

6. Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson -  I know, I know...they are supposed to be two separate people, but I have yet to see any real evidence of this since Twilight began hypnotizing me with its mundane bullshit. Stewart, to paraphrase the great Dorothy Parker, runs the gammit of emotions from "A to B" and the whiter you make Pattinson, the uglier the guy gets. The two add up to barely half a performer, and let's face it, if it weren't for Taylor Lautner's abs, none of us would give a flying crap about Twilight!

5. Sarah Palin: The more the faux folksy nut job talks, the more I hate America for embracing her...but I think that is her intention. She wants to create an America that we all hate so that she can swoop in on her broomstick and make us think she fixed it. I don't know where that puts America, but I DO know where she can put that broom handle. In the process, we might find what is left of her husband.

4. The Jonas Brothers - Purity rings or cock rings, who gives a crap? This is the gayest act I have ever seen, so abstaining from sex with girls is hardly a challenge. That would be like abstaining from sex with rutabegas. It's not a hard thing to do. Yes...they are generically cute in a carved out of cream cheese sort of way, and Auntie does have this fantasy that involves getting all three brass purity rings off that carousel. I know..I know...one of them is married...blah blah blah...until I see a bloodied bedsheet, I stand by my convictions.

3. Barbara Walters and the ENTIRE panel of The View: Auntie is saddened for women over this show. The lack of civility makes is look like five intelligent women cannot sit down and have a reasonable conversation. Girls...we all know we can have a perfectly lovely chat and disagree without storming out and insulting our house guests. Why can't this quintet get through a contraversial episode without Joy screaming, Whoopie storming off, Elisabeth alienating half the country and Barbara flooding her granny panties? In fact, Sherrie Shephard is the smartest of the batch playing hopelessly clueless...and she is much better on Community.  Wait...is that her? I get so confused!!!

2. Charlie Sheen: I don't care if he's a drunk. I don't care where he puts his dinker-donker. I don't care if Two and a Half Men is canceled or used as torture for political prisoners. The guy was a delicious glass of iced tea in the 1980's, but now, he is more like a lukewarm shot of prune juice with a piss chaser. He plays the same charcater in everything he does and that character is Charlie Sheen. I think it is time to recast the role of Charlie Sheen with say...Robert Downey, Jr...I think his resume proves he is up to the demands.

1. Justin Bieber - Honest to God, he is number one on my list because I cannot figure out for the life of me why teeny bopper girls are mooning over this ....for lack of a better word..."boy." It would make sense to me if lesbians liked him because his fashion sense is that of most Lilith Fair survivors, but what does a teen girl see in a lad whose voice is higher than theirs, and his face is prettier? His latest dalliance with Selena Gomez has me so confused...because...let us be honest, girls...weren't we sure up to this point that Ms. Bieber was a "Friend of Dorothy"?