Aunt Mark Shakes Her Golden Globes

Dear Potatobugs:

    Aunt Mark, after complaining about a year's worth of shitty films, spent last night watching her second favorite awards show of the year: the Golden Globes. No ...we are not talking about my lovely pair of perky breasts (I keep those tucked in my socks) but the awards show put on by the Hollywood and Foreign Press every January. The best part about the Globes is that, even though every one's dressed like they are going to a prom, everyone behaves like they are at the after prom party. Its all very touchy, feel, chummy with celebs and the booze flowing freely, so odds are pretty good someone is going to trip going to the stage. There are plenty of cameras fixed on the tables to pick up reactions, laughter, eye rolls, gnashing teeth and the occasional moment when a certain Sheen can be caught dry humping a dessert cart. It is loads of fun in that schadenfreude sort of way.

     The evening begins with host Ricky Gervais, who might be sexy if it weren't for that whole British orthodontia thing where you can grate cheese on their teeth...and it usually looks like someone did, with a nice chunky piece of Roquefort. Gervais isn't quite this bad, but somehow Auntie is distracted by British mouths even when they are closed. I just assume there is a cheese monster waiting to get out and abscond with my Triscuits (that may have been dirty, I'm not sure). Anyway...Sir Ricky was batting the jokes out of the park, left and right, giving Hollywood their comeuppance for being the ridiculous parade of fools they are. Everyone responded with nervous titters, perhaps afraid that they would offend people with their laughter and they'd have to start earning roles again via the casting couch. The guy was funny and, mean spirited or not, these people have to stop taking themselves so seriously, so his dose of acid wit is just what Aunt Mark ordered.

      Awards are given out. That yummy little dish of tea and crumpet Christian Bale picks up an award for some boxing movie that four people saw. Doesn't matter, Mr. Bale was sporting some long, beautiful locks that Auntie could just imagine caressing her cottage cheese thighs while he...well...I'll leave that one to the imagination. Glee picked up a few: one for the scary ass, lesbian gym teacher and one for the emotionally wrought, stoic drag queen intern. The show also won best comedy, which had everyone at Modern Family all in a twist. Apparently they thought they had the corner on the gay market. Surprise..Glee has showtunes, so its more likely to get the Hollywood homos on board. If you get Ed O'Neill and Eric Stonestreet doing a duet of "Bosom Buddies", we'll have a re vote. Until then, Glee wins it!       

     Auntie honestly doesn't give a tinker's damn as to what won in the movies categories as I have asserted before that Hollywood has been raping us this last year with their sub-par crapolla! The Social Network won, as did Natalie Portman and Colin Firth, blah blah blah. I was happy to see Toy Story 3 take home the best animated film award...at first.! Then I got thinking...why the hell didn't it get nominated for best comedy or musical? This film was far superior than any of the nonsense nominated in that category. It was, in fact, the best film of the year and I am hopeful that the Oscars will be more generous to this beautiful entertainment and include it amongst its ten nominees for "Best Picture."

     In general, the night was very predictable and by the time everything wrapped up, it was Mr. Gervais who had managed to do the entertaining. Granted, it was at the expense of many people's feelings, but everyone knows it was satire. The people in that audience would have been pissed if they had been overlooked, but are just as annoyed if they are well-known enough to be the object of ridicule. Robert Downey, Jr. is the only person who handled it gracefully by joking back with him. People...its an awards show about a make believe world. Have some fun with it and get the potential Oscar dislodged from your ass! In other words, come see Aunt Mark and she'll shake her Golden Globes in your face for the price of a white wine spritzer.