Title: Aunt Mark and the Consolation Prize
Aunt Mark has HAD it with the American game show. Over the years, the game show (or quiz show) has been a platform for making people look stupid. We keep rising to the occasion. In her youth, Aunt Mark was a bit of a game show groupie. I was a guest on the entire circuit and I did them all, from Woolery to Cullen, from Barker to Sajak, from Rayburn to ...no even I wouldn’t do Trebek. Aunt Mark recalls how each game show ended in my total humiliation. Read on, you ambulance chasers.
In 1973, my first game show experience was The Match Game, in all its gaudy splendor. Gene Rayburn was leaching after me, saying things like “Aunt Mark likes to make cookies so much that all the neighborhood men like to put __blank___ in her oven.” I didn’t know what blank was, but Charles Nelson Reilly sure did. By the end of the episode I had his ascot around my ankles and I spent the next three years going by the name “Brett Sommers.”
In 1976, The Price is Right was my game. Do you remember that awful story about the woman whose boob fell out when she was called to “Come on Down?” No, fools, that wasn’t me, I told you before, I keep mine tucked in my socks…but…I was the gal standing next to her in contestants’ row. Do you know what it’s like to have someone’s brown-eyed puppy wink at you while you are trying to bid on a Kitchen-Aid dishwasher and a case of turtle wax? Well, Auntie was no fool. She made her way up to that stage where Bob Barker proceeded to goose me all through the showcase showdown. Don’t worry, ladies. Aunt Mark saw to it that his pet was spayed and neutered before all was said and done. Thank god for my year’s supply of Hamburger Helper parting gift…I had something to serve with it.
In 1983 I took a risk on The Wheel of Fortune. Let me say this now and be done with it: Wheel of Fortune is just Jeopardy for morons. All you need to know is 26 letters and the basics of 6th grade reading. Oh…and you have to be able to bounce up and down while clapping. This is a great game for retired cheerleaders and people coming off of thorazine. That Pat Sajak was quite a looker back then, so it was all I could to spin the wheel without passing out. In those days, those, you didn’t keep the cash. You had to use it to buy crap that was spinning on a prize carousel. “Pat, I’ll take the brass chicken for $500 and put the rest on a Service Merchandise gift certificate.
1n 1987, Aunt Mark tried to get on the Family Feud, but apparently you need a speaking family to do that.
In 1991, Jeopardy came calling. Aunt Mark, unfortunately mistook the topic “Homophones” for something else. I am still in litigation with a certain star of Jerry McGuire over my repeated use of his name as an answer. I wonder if Neil Patrick Harris would have the same issues? I say “NAY” to that!
In 1998, I went to visit my good friend Regis on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (a.k.a. The Long, Boring-ASS Pauses While Regis Gets His Diaper Changed). I didn’t win any money as my phone-a-friend forgot to pay her phone bill.
In 2003 – I found out that I was NOT smarter than a 5th grader. What I am, however, in STRONGER than a 5th grader and that’s all that matters in a parking lot after the show. Little bastard turned over the prize money pretty easily despite the dislocated shoulder.
In 2007, Auntie Mark and her best friend Pearl decided to try the Amazing Race. This ended badly when Pearl told me she wanted to become Paul while we were climbing the Swiss Alps, then proceeded to do something about it. From that point forward, all I could do was worry she wanted in my girdle (men are such pigs) and I had to quit the race.
All-in-all, I think I should just stay away from game show…although…how about a season of the Bachelorette and we spring my wrinkled ass on those pretty young things? Now THAT would be one hell of a game show for me, and a consolation prize for the winner. Better than Hamburger helper…right?
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