How I MIss Good Commercial Television and the Crap it was Selling

Dear Potato Bugs:

     So Aunt Mark was feeling nostalgic last night as she lay in bed, her calico, floor-length nightgown on and the stench of stale vodka in the air, watching Nick-at-Nite...when it dawned on her ...what the hell happened to commerical television where, by ten seconds into the ad, you knew what was being sold? The first time this really dawned on me was a few years ago when I saw a commercial full of crazy-ass people running through a desert and finding a carousel that they proceded to ride, white gauzy clothing flowing as they draped themselves sexily over the merry-go-round horses. I remember a smoky bedroom voice talking some nonsense and at the end whispering the a two word name "Vera Wang." WTF did that have to do with her overpriced product line, unless of course you had to be brain damaged enough to run through a desert to ride a carousel in the first place to consent to buying her crap.

     Where did we first start to go astray? I think it was with feminine products...mainly the disposable douche. Aunt Mark became quite aware of the douche as a young child when she found one in the bathroom closet and brought it out to the dining room (where my mother was having a dinner party) to ask what it was. After my ass returned a week later from the kicking it got, I was informed what it was called and what it was used for. This may have been a deciding factor in my sexuality..but I digress. THE COMMERCIALS: all that talk about vinegar and water (like we were whipping up a salad dressing), walks on the beach and the allusions to the problem but never coming out and saying it. "Mom...do you ever have that not so fresh feeling?" Seriously...we gals never had that chat with our Moms. We just went to the fridge,. got a bottle of Good Seasons Italian or Hidden Valley Snatch, took care of the problem and hosed that thing out. But the douche was such a mystery and those commercials caught on, so those who sell things figured we were more apt to buy. On a side note, I have a really interesting commercial idea that sells both Pillsbury Products, Monsitat 7 and the Pillsbury Dough Boy poking his head out of someplace "not so fresh" screaming "I'm melting...melting..." Why don't the commercial people call me...I'm full of great ideas like this???

      So...that's where I think commercials started getting confusing, sending my mind on tangents that got me away from what the product was for. My next post will be an assessment of the best cartoon commercial icons and why we will be slaves to them until we die. Until then, gals...try to remain fresh...even "Poppin Fresh" if you can. Gentlemen...I'm sorry...I know this may have ruined things for you in the bedroom, but look at it this way...Nothing says lovin' like somethin' from the oven.