Sick of the Sickness

Dear Potatobugs:

   Aunt Mark is noticing that, with the time of the year being a favorite traveling time for germs (and I don't mean Justin Bieber's latest tour), that there are a lot of sickies running around out there. I, myself, am suffering from a case of the stomach bug which has kept me in perpetual anticipation and pondering the constant quandary of which end of me to aim for the porcelain first. And before you all groan with disgust, I think it is quite fair to assume that we have ALL been in this position once or twice. Why is it that, when "all is said and done" that there is nothing cooler and more soothing than laying down on the linoleum tiles of a bathroom floor? Does dehydration cause such a euphoria that this thought that one we would never consider under any other terms, suddenly seems not only acceptable, but the preferable thing to do?

    The rest of the year, I could give two how-do-ya-dos about saltines, ginger ale and Gator Aid. When I am sick, I crave them. I would kill for them, if I had the strength. The part I don't get is, when I am nauseous, I suddenly begin having cravings for things that are a REALLY bad idea...things you know that, as soon as they hit ground zero during ye olde stomach flu, that PARTICULAR food will be lost to you for life. Aunt Mark has been entirely ruined for egg rolls, pepperoni, spaghettios, Trix cereal and prune jelly...a Jackson Pollack of epic proportions.  

     What pisses me off is, you never have a good idea of what medication to take when you are sick. Pepto Bismol is supposed to be for an upset stomach, nausea and diarrhea, yet it is near impossible to get past the gag reflexes. I go to buy cold medicine, and I have no idea at this vulnerable point in my life what I am doing, nor do I have the patience or the focus to read labels. I stand in the pharmacy aisle of the A&P muttering under my breath "what the hell are these ingredients? Am I going to die if they don't mix with my blood pressure medication? Am I even on blood pressure medication? Where DO babies come from? What is Rosebud and why have I never finished watching that movie?" Then I just buy Tylenol and hope for the best.

     Congestion and a runny nose are also a real pain in the rump, but the worst of these kinds of ailments is the one nostril that clogs and you are left breathing lopsided all day. You walk around, head turned at a slant because you feel like one sinus is weighed down with a cement block. You lay down to take a rest and low and behold, miracle of miracles, it begins to drain. You leap up in ecstatic joy, elated to take your first two-nostril breathe in three days.........only to feel it shift to the other nostril and the cement block swing like a pendulum to the other side of your face. The bitch of living!

     So Aunt Mark hopes you all invest in some Lysol and spray yourself down with it before stepping out into public. Take some long term precautions for your health as well:

1. Don't sleep with Lindsey Lohan
2. Wash your hands at least once a week.
3. Don't sleep with Lindsey Lohan
4. Get plenty of vitamin C - a mimosa a day keeps the doctor away
5. Don't sleep with Lindsey Lohan
6. All children are walking germ amusement parks...lock them in the basement until flu season is over
7. Don't sleep with Lindsey Lohan, but if you must, Lysol first.

    You may not agree with Aunt Mark's suggestions and to that I say, "Let me help you with that rectal thermometer!...Vaseline? Nope...sorry...we are fresh out."