Aunt Mark's Winter Blahs and How They Chap Her Nether Regions

Aunt Mark HATES January and pretty much carries that sentiment through the absurdity of Valentine's Day and well up until Easter when the good Lord died for out sins and was resurrected to help decorate eggs.These post Holiday blahs have me so chapped in my begonias that I have even stopped caring about Prince William and Kate's wedding. Eh...what does it matter..the whole thing looks like a ROYAL pain in the ass with a queen taking a queen, so to speak. But...I digress...as usual...

       So...how do we find a way to take flight a la Mary Martin and fly past these blues? What magical pixie dust sends us aloft and makes us forget our troubles...other than liquor and pills, that is? Well...Aunt Mark is going to give you her top ten suggestions for getting you through the icy cold with the warm sensation of Rum Toddies leaking down your nether regions.

1. Watch the 700 Club and make a drinking game out of it. Everytime someone says "family values," slap your significant other and down a tequila shot in honor of the fact that you KNOW the true meaning of "family values" and you don't rely on the narrow definition by the christian right. If you've slept with it...it's a tax deduction.

2. Take Up a New Hobby. You'd be amazed the new lease on life things like scrapbooking, stamp collecting and sado masochism can give you, if you are just willing to step outside your comfort zone. Aunt Mark has just tried on her new leather thigh highs and oiled her riding crop. Now...to just get some stamps.

3. Try Watching Some New TV Shows. So you have seen all the usual crap and most of that is in reruns...try watching the stuff that will be canceled by next Fall so you can better appreciate the shit you watch now when it DOES return next month with "All new Episodes." Please to God...people...WATCH SOMETHING BESIDES JERSEY SHORE!  Between Snookie and the Situation, I am convinced that NJ is STILL the most polluted state in the U.S.

4. Make Several Phone Calls to Your State Senator and Representative - It is time we irritate the hell out of these people and get them to start listening to us. Who among us TRULY believes that their politician in Washington is doing what we need and want? If we badger them with letters, calls and the occasional stalking, they have to take us seriously. Even better, I say "Aunt Mark for president in 2012"...you wanna see nothing get done in style, set me up with bean bag chair and a wii in the oval offfice.

5. Shave Spots On Your Body You've Never Dared Try: Okay...Okay...I know you are titillated by the image of Aunt Mark with her legs over head, support hose tangled and the used Epilady she picked up at a garage sale positioned ever so carefully in her begonia field...but lets face it gals...there is something about the smoothness of the body that is made all the more bracing with the Winter air.

6. Sunbathe -Go out in your front yard, spread out a blanket, lay down in a bikini and pretend to be Summer suntanning. You'll be delighted at the number of second looks you get from neighbors...and this gives you a chance to show off your new flower patch. Aunt Mark tried this last February and there was a six car pileup...most from the fact that she had her bikini top on backwards. A raisin the sun.

7. Read a Book - There are plenty of books just lying around your house that you have been meaning to get to. Tess of the D'Urbervilles, Great Expectations, Cather in the Rye. I read the Phone Book last Winter and was surprised at how well it held up since its first printing over 100 years ago. Not much on plot, but the cast of characters is rich and varied.      

8. Make Out With Your Mail Delivery Person - Let's face it, they have a shitty job and you have a shitty life...so why not at least be guaranteed a "package delivery" everyday?

9.Exercise. So endorphins are supposed to make us feel better. So why don't they kick in just a tad sooner than when the workout is over so we fell like sticking with it? I once read about this woman who had orgasms everytime she did sit ups or jumping jacks. If that were the case, Aunt Mark would have a six pack as she would be exercising in her sleep. As it is...exercise for me is walking to the pantry to get bowl of Fruity Pebbles.

10. Make sure you read your Aunt Mark.  When she has one of her funny days, she's a hell of a blast to be with. Okay...so today she's in a pissy mood today and the humor isn't flowing like it usually does, but since I don't hear whether you laugh or not, why should I give a rat's ass? Just keep reading...cuz I am bound to find the G-spot of humor again!