Horoscope Horrors and What The Heck IS Ophiuschus???

Dear Potato Bugs:

     Facebook has been in a frenzy over the new rules regarding updated astroligical charts due to the earths change of alignment since the first charts were conjured over 3,000 years ago. Blah, blah, blah and whatever right? Well, I have never told you this, but Auntie is a BIG fan of the stars and how they tell they future....however, my original map is out the window and now I feel like I am driving through the cosmos with a GPS that doesn't show secondary roads. I can only imagine how lost and distraught you all are. So...being the generous old broad that I am, I have decided to create a new guide for you to get you through the changes and help you acclimate to your new sign (if you have one). Here goes...and I must warn you in advance, you are required to embrace your new personality traits...the stars have said so...I think the cast of Glee even sang a song about it.

Aries: was(March 20th - April 19th) now (April 19th to May 13th)

      It used to be that Aries people were creative, insightful, stubborn, ambitious and prone to having a short fuse. In the "New Aries" we find our Ram is more like a lamb, with a side of mint jelly.Now if you are Aries, you are fussy and gassy...still prone to a short fuse, but this one can be controled with a Beano tablet before dinner.

Taurus: (April 20th - May 19th) now (May 13th to June 21st)

      The old Taurus was strong, stubborn, firm but could also be sympathetic if not empathetic. The new Taurus is likely to go through your medicine cabinet while using your bathroom. Hide your good meds if you have Taurus over for dinner.

Gemini: (May 20th - June 20th) now (June 21st to July 20th)

      Flexibility, balance and adaptability were the old watchcries of a Gemini. In the new realm, however, you are allowed to take the dual personality of the twins to a new level. Bipolar is fun for the new Gemini, but don't ever talk to one. They are too busy having a conversation with themself. Be careful, though, the Gemini gets their period twice a month, making them the crankiest of all signs.

Cancer: (June 21st - July 21st) now (July 20th to August 10th)

      The old Cancer was attracted to the home life and family. The New Cancer is the same way. In this case, however, all Cancer's are polygamists and are never content with just one family. If you are a Cancer, you are probably a sex addict or really enjoy interior decorating, and your neigbor's wife is excited to meet you.

Leo: (July 22 - August 22) now (August 10th to September 16th)

     Leo's used to be exuberant, natural leaders and drawn to power. In the transition, however, the Leo has now become bored and smarmy. The lion that was once their symbol is almost gone, with little left of his presence but he or she lying in a corner licking themself. Leo's are at a much greater risk of choking on hairballs.

Virgo: - (August 23rd - September 21st) now September 16th to October 30th)
    
     Virgo - the Virgin. You weren't getting any before and you aren't getting any now. Deal with it.

Libra: (September 22nd - October 22nd) now (October 30th to November 23rd)

     Justice, balance and stability (like a scale) were the characteristics of the old Libra. Well..the new Libra broke the scale. All Libras have fat asses and a penchant for Hostess Ho Hos.

Scorpio: (October 23rd - November 21st) now (November 23rd to November 29th)

      Scorpio's used to be enterprising, cool and collected. The Scorpion still has their sting, but now it is akin to the wit of a drunken drag queen. If you are a Scorpio male, your dick will fall off. If you are a female Scorpio, you will grow a dick and it will fall off. Either way, you are gonna be imitating Liza Minnelli at an East Greenwich Village bar. Get out your Halston Chiffon.

Ophiuchus: (Didn't exist) now (November 29th - December 17th)

      This is the one that didn't used to exist, so it means you never had a personality. The good news is, things remained status quo for you. You are still a boring ass piece of shit, now we just deigned you worthy of being identified and ignored.

Sagittarius: (November 22 - December 20) now (December 17th - January 20th)

      The Old Sagittarius was a focused philosopher and very intense. The New Sagittarius suffers from a low sex drive and an inabilty to digest raw fibre. Sagittarians can expect to spend a lot of time on the toilet as constipation is your constellation. Avoid anal intercourse and cheese products. Gotta keep the traffic moving.

Capricorn: (December 21 - January 19) now (January 20 - February 16th)

      In the old days, a Capricorn was practical, organized and a workaholic. Nowadays, a Capricorn will most likely be found playing scratch-off lotto cards or wandering aimlessly around OTB. Capricorns are most likely to feel you up on public transportation or ask you to hold a bag for them when  the police come around.  Never trust a Capricorn...espcially where child support payments and taxes are concerned.

Aquarius: (January 20 - February 18) now (February 16th - March 11th)

      Aquarius is a water bearer. That's a nice way of saying you were a douche bag then and you are a douche bag now. Aquarians stink of Good Season's Italian Dressing and mothballs.

Pisces: (February 19 - March 19) now (March 11th to April 18th)

      Finally, Pisces. The old Pisces was trustworthy, unassuming and quiet. The New Pisces is likely to drown in their own body fluids from their complacent manner. According to the new charts, Aunt Mark is now a Pisces. I say screw F**k that! I was born an Aries and I will stay an Aries, hot tempered AND gassy. The best of both worlds...the old AND the new.