Dear Potatobugs:
Auntie has her nickers twist. I don't care if I say it, but I I am GOING to say it: I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY!!! No...it has nothing to do with me being bitter and pissy over the fact that Brad Pitt has yet to acknowledge my existence or that, as the years go by, the floral delivery truck whizzes by without one lopsided carnation for me. I don't even hate Valentine's Day because it is the most commercialized and fabricated of all holidays ( unless you count Flag Day). Actually, Auntie is disgusted how with how poorly commercialized Valentine's Day has become. Have you seen (or worse, tasted) the crap they are peddling for Valentine's Day as a way to tell people you love them? If that's how you feel, please send cash.
The worst Valentine's gift to give someone is those little hearts with cutey pie sayings on them. That's right people, say it with chalk. Who in God's name decided the best way to tell people you love them is with these nasty little notes that are flavored like your English teacher's blackboard. Unless your sweetie is suffering from Pica, why would you do this?
Valentine cards for kids are the biggest rip off of all. Pay $5.99 or more so your kid can send pictures of Sponge Bob, Shrek or Justin Bieber printed on flimsy paper with envelopes that are so thing, just licking them to seal them turns them into a spit wad. I know..I know...its the thought that counts. Think harder.
Balloon Bouquets - if you don't want to be romantic and send roses, then don't bother with Valentine's Day. Balloon bouquets are the easy out to say "I really enjoy you and I am glad we get to screw regularly, but I have no serious intentions where you are concerned." If god had intended Balloon bouquets to be given on this holy day, he would have filled roses with helium. If you are giving a Balloon arrangement this holiday, send penicillin as well. Nothing says VD like Valentine's Day.
Dinner at a chain restaurant. Never do this. Applebees, Chili's, TGI Fridays do not say "romantic." They barely say "edible" on most days. For god's sake, take your loved one someplace where coupons are not accepted and you can't order an appetizer, entree and dessert as part of one price.
So...I know you all love Aunt Mark and are going to shower her with Valentine's gifts, so I will be blunt and tell you exactly what I want. Any deviation from this will result in punishment involving a rusty spoon and your eye. I want a dozen, long stem roses, a box of Godiva truffles, and Jensen Ackles diapered up in a Cupid costume. I can handle the rest.
Auntie has her nickers twist. I don't care if I say it, but I I am GOING to say it: I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY!!! No...it has nothing to do with me being bitter and pissy over the fact that Brad Pitt has yet to acknowledge my existence or that, as the years go by, the floral delivery truck whizzes by without one lopsided carnation for me. I don't even hate Valentine's Day because it is the most commercialized and fabricated of all holidays ( unless you count Flag Day). Actually, Auntie is disgusted how with how poorly commercialized Valentine's Day has become. Have you seen (or worse, tasted) the crap they are peddling for Valentine's Day as a way to tell people you love them? If that's how you feel, please send cash.
The worst Valentine's gift to give someone is those little hearts with cutey pie sayings on them. That's right people, say it with chalk. Who in God's name decided the best way to tell people you love them is with these nasty little notes that are flavored like your English teacher's blackboard. Unless your sweetie is suffering from Pica, why would you do this?
Valentine cards for kids are the biggest rip off of all. Pay $5.99 or more so your kid can send pictures of Sponge Bob, Shrek or Justin Bieber printed on flimsy paper with envelopes that are so thing, just licking them to seal them turns them into a spit wad. I know..I know...its the thought that counts. Think harder.
Balloon Bouquets - if you don't want to be romantic and send roses, then don't bother with Valentine's Day. Balloon bouquets are the easy out to say "I really enjoy you and I am glad we get to screw regularly, but I have no serious intentions where you are concerned." If god had intended Balloon bouquets to be given on this holy day, he would have filled roses with helium. If you are giving a Balloon arrangement this holiday, send penicillin as well. Nothing says VD like Valentine's Day.
Dinner at a chain restaurant. Never do this. Applebees, Chili's, TGI Fridays do not say "romantic." They barely say "edible" on most days. For god's sake, take your loved one someplace where coupons are not accepted and you can't order an appetizer, entree and dessert as part of one price.
So...I know you all love Aunt Mark and are going to shower her with Valentine's gifts, so I will be blunt and tell you exactly what I want. Any deviation from this will result in punishment involving a rusty spoon and your eye. I want a dozen, long stem roses, a box of Godiva truffles, and Jensen Ackles diapered up in a Cupid costume. I can handle the rest.
My dear Aunt Mark: I hate Valentine's Day too. One year, the jackass I used to be married to put one of those God-awful wire-stem, plastic-leaf, red velvety-ribbon fake-as-fake-gets red roses on the bathroom vanity so I'd be sure to find it when I went grouchy-faced downstairs in the morning to get ready for work. What a flipping jackass. We're not married anymore.
ReplyDeleteHow I long for the days of being bitter over hot fudge Sundaes at The Creamery. ;o)
ReplyDelete