Aunt Mark was having a bit of amusement over the way we will accpet anything free as if we are being offered gold, and then hold onto it with no idea how or if we will ever use it. Think about it...or better yet...go through your cupboards, purses, glove compartments and desk drawers and you will see EXACTLY what I mean. For example:
Restaurant Jelly Packets: When I was a wee one, it was exciting to grab a few of these for the road, to lick on the ride home. However, many of us have carried the habit of snatching a few of these "free' jellies for the road into our adulthood. In 30+ years of doing this, I have never once found myself in a situation where I needed an emergency orange marmalade to see me through the night. The same goes for catsup, mustard and mayo packets. In the end, I will always go to the fridge and get the jar or bottle, and forget about my pirate booty of Knotsberry Farms Red Raspberry. So why do we take the packets? The only time this is practical is if you are stealing Sweet and Low or Splenda, because that crap is expensive.
Hotel Soaps: Never has their been anything more annoying and less appealing than the hotel soap. When you are in a hotel and forced to shower with it, you spend have the time worrying you might lose that bar in some orifice or new crevice, yet we feel the need to stock up on these little hum dingers for future use. The thing is, they are perfumed in a way that screams cheap motel, and we will never use them for fear people will smell us and think we live at the Super 8 or are at least making our living there.
Free Samples in Grocery Stores: Oh we get all excited over free samples, don't we? The fat-assed society that we are. WE may have just left McDonalds and a Big Mac lunch and now we are in he grocery store ready for round two, nibbling at this and that - all the stuff we will never buy because we know its going to be too expensive, but hell - Yoplait Yogurt Shakes - served in mini- medicine cups? Sign me up!!! Sodium saturated meat with a toothpick sticking out? That's just heaven.
Matches: In a world of Bic lighters and BBQ starters, is there any reason for people to even own matches anymore? They are useless if they get damp or sit for too long, but I bet everyone has three or four packets sitting in a drawer somewhere, telling yourself, "Well, if the lights go out, we have to be able to light the candles somehow!" Yet...when that occasion DOES happen, someone pulls out the mystical invention called the flashlight, finds a lighter and gets those candles going. At this point, matches in the drawer serve one purpose: and children aren't supposed to play with matches...are they? I wish the cast of Twilight would.
Airplane Snacks: In any other reality, we wouldn't give two figs about a bag of nuts or pretzels. We get closed in on an airplane and suddenly we are in a panic that this might be out last meal. On Terra firma, we wouldn't stress like this. In the air, unless we have our half-can of Canada Dry Ginger ale and our eight Planter's honey roasted peanuts, we fear some kind of catastrophe like the movie Alive! It's a three hour flight, people. On land we go that long between meals and the altitude doesn't suddenly slow down time.
I could go on and on...we are monsters that can only be abated by the words "Free" and "Complimentary." We would take cans of kangaroo poo if they stood on the street corners and yelled "Free Samples." Try getting that smell out with a bar of hotel soap.
Reminder: Click your ads AND...tomorrow is Auntie's first "Dear Auntie" column. Get your letters in so that I can offer my special brand of advice and wisdom. The services I offer.
Restaurant Jelly Packets: When I was a wee one, it was exciting to grab a few of these for the road, to lick on the ride home. However, many of us have carried the habit of snatching a few of these "free' jellies for the road into our adulthood. In 30+ years of doing this, I have never once found myself in a situation where I needed an emergency orange marmalade to see me through the night. The same goes for catsup, mustard and mayo packets. In the end, I will always go to the fridge and get the jar or bottle, and forget about my pirate booty of Knotsberry Farms Red Raspberry. So why do we take the packets? The only time this is practical is if you are stealing Sweet and Low or Splenda, because that crap is expensive.
Hotel Soaps: Never has their been anything more annoying and less appealing than the hotel soap. When you are in a hotel and forced to shower with it, you spend have the time worrying you might lose that bar in some orifice or new crevice, yet we feel the need to stock up on these little hum dingers for future use. The thing is, they are perfumed in a way that screams cheap motel, and we will never use them for fear people will smell us and think we live at the Super 8 or are at least making our living there.
Free Samples in Grocery Stores: Oh we get all excited over free samples, don't we? The fat-assed society that we are. WE may have just left McDonalds and a Big Mac lunch and now we are in he grocery store ready for round two, nibbling at this and that - all the stuff we will never buy because we know its going to be too expensive, but hell - Yoplait Yogurt Shakes - served in mini- medicine cups? Sign me up!!! Sodium saturated meat with a toothpick sticking out? That's just heaven.
Matches: In a world of Bic lighters and BBQ starters, is there any reason for people to even own matches anymore? They are useless if they get damp or sit for too long, but I bet everyone has three or four packets sitting in a drawer somewhere, telling yourself, "Well, if the lights go out, we have to be able to light the candles somehow!" Yet...when that occasion DOES happen, someone pulls out the mystical invention called the flashlight, finds a lighter and gets those candles going. At this point, matches in the drawer serve one purpose: and children aren't supposed to play with matches...are they? I wish the cast of Twilight would.
Airplane Snacks: In any other reality, we wouldn't give two figs about a bag of nuts or pretzels. We get closed in on an airplane and suddenly we are in a panic that this might be out last meal. On Terra firma, we wouldn't stress like this. In the air, unless we have our half-can of Canada Dry Ginger ale and our eight Planter's honey roasted peanuts, we fear some kind of catastrophe like the movie Alive! It's a three hour flight, people. On land we go that long between meals and the altitude doesn't suddenly slow down time.
I could go on and on...we are monsters that can only be abated by the words "Free" and "Complimentary." We would take cans of kangaroo poo if they stood on the street corners and yelled "Free Samples." Try getting that smell out with a bar of hotel soap.
Reminder: Click your ads AND...tomorrow is Auntie's first "Dear Auntie" column. Get your letters in so that I can offer my special brand of advice and wisdom. The services I offer.
My very own mother stuffs the breadsticks and crackers from restaurant tables into her purse!
ReplyDeleteI just want to comment on hotel soaps... I think they are all made in Cortland...
ReplyDeleteLOL oh so true, I have a draw full of stinky soap.
ReplyDeleteSW Airlines serve "Plane Crackers". They are damn tasty, too!
ReplyDelete