Dear Potato Bugs:
Aunt Mark is just full of pet peeves today. I guess there is nothing like driving in a new neighborhood or using the New York Public Transit system to bring out the worst in a person. Every inch of me is wired to fight if I have to address (in the next couple of days) any of the following follies of mankind:
1. Pedestrians were here first, they use the most vulnrable and economically sound transport available, and Aunt Mark occasionally likes to put on her support hose and orthopedic shoes and go for a little stroll to the grocery store to make sure she has a heart and it still beats! So...to all the crazy-ass, jerk pedestrians who walk side-by-side down the sidewalk in bad weather, one of you needs to fall back behind the other if someone is coming from the opposite direction! I am tired of having to step into mud puddles and snowbanks because one of you refuses to yield the right of way on a narrow sidewalk. I will mace you into submission and bury you in said puddle or snowbank...I swear to God.
2. People who fart on the subway or train. We are already crammed in tighty with 200 of our cloeset friends, breathing in the sweet aroma of body odor, Altoids, Avon perfume and failure. Amidst this melting pot of stench, you decide that this is the ideal place to introduce your poor dietary habits to the world? Hint...if you have a long subway ride ahead, skip the corned beef and cabbage, try some Beano, or Auntie may just find a good place for a Stick-Up... and I'll wear my press-on nails when I do it!
3. People who sing along with Broadway shows and movie musicals. I didn't pay a fortune to hear you destroy the score of Evita! I didn't shut off my cell phone so you could give me your atonal rendition of "Don't Rain on My Parade." I didn't turn up my hearing aide so I could be tortured with your Carol Channing impersonation. SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!! if this is the kind of musical experience you want, stay at home, watch Seven Brides for Seven Brothers with the subtitles on and annoy your neighbors. If you do it to me again, I promise you : for each song I am subjected to, you will be subjected to a lap dance from Aunt Mark....and I don't always wear my Depends to the theatre. So...roll the dice and take your chances.
4. People who say 'Ad VERRR tisement" instead of "AdverTISE ment" (advertisment)...come on ...you are all with me. The former all sound pretentious and they do it on purpose just to annoy the rest of us. I have knitting needles, I will take out your vocal chords...you know I can do it.
5. Watching people eat yogurt. What is it about people, that when they are eating yogurt, they decide they have to look like the morons on the commercials whose eyes go all dreamy and their faces wrinkle up into some dairy induced orgasm. You don't do the same thing with soup or mashed potatoes, so why do you do it over a cup of fruit flavored bacteria? Now you may ask, "Aunt Mark, why the hell are you watching people eat?" and that would be an excellent question, and if I werent already sleeping with your significant other, I 'd answer it. That being said, people...its JUST YOGURT...not an acid trip. If you keep it up, I will put shards of glass amongst your raspberry you stir up from the bottom. If you are going to make faces, I'll make sure they are entertaining ones.
ONE OTHER NON-ARTICLE RELATED REQUEST FOR YOU...
Due to a lovely idea put into my head by the delightful Roberta Krakower Moore, Aunt Mark has decided that she is going to offer an advice column...once a week, on Fridays.Now, I know all of you are incapable of governing your own lives, so my input will be a most welcome respite from your having to think. Please...send me your problems (or make some up) and send them to "Dear Auntie" at auntmark22@gmail.com with "Dear Auntie" in the subject line. Remember who you are writing to, and don't ask for real important advice...because, as you know, my column is NOT a place to be sensitive or realistic.
Click your ads...now...time to pay the piper.
Aunt Mark is just full of pet peeves today. I guess there is nothing like driving in a new neighborhood or using the New York Public Transit system to bring out the worst in a person. Every inch of me is wired to fight if I have to address (in the next couple of days) any of the following follies of mankind:
1. Pedestrians were here first, they use the most vulnrable and economically sound transport available, and Aunt Mark occasionally likes to put on her support hose and orthopedic shoes and go for a little stroll to the grocery store to make sure she has a heart and it still beats! So...to all the crazy-ass, jerk pedestrians who walk side-by-side down the sidewalk in bad weather, one of you needs to fall back behind the other if someone is coming from the opposite direction! I am tired of having to step into mud puddles and snowbanks because one of you refuses to yield the right of way on a narrow sidewalk. I will mace you into submission and bury you in said puddle or snowbank...I swear to God.
2. People who fart on the subway or train. We are already crammed in tighty with 200 of our cloeset friends, breathing in the sweet aroma of body odor, Altoids, Avon perfume and failure. Amidst this melting pot of stench, you decide that this is the ideal place to introduce your poor dietary habits to the world? Hint...if you have a long subway ride ahead, skip the corned beef and cabbage, try some Beano, or Auntie may just find a good place for a Stick-Up... and I'll wear my press-on nails when I do it!
3. People who sing along with Broadway shows and movie musicals. I didn't pay a fortune to hear you destroy the score of Evita! I didn't shut off my cell phone so you could give me your atonal rendition of "Don't Rain on My Parade." I didn't turn up my hearing aide so I could be tortured with your Carol Channing impersonation. SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!! if this is the kind of musical experience you want, stay at home, watch Seven Brides for Seven Brothers with the subtitles on and annoy your neighbors. If you do it to me again, I promise you : for each song I am subjected to, you will be subjected to a lap dance from Aunt Mark....and I don't always wear my Depends to the theatre. So...roll the dice and take your chances.
4. People who say 'Ad VERRR tisement" instead of "AdverTISE ment" (advertisment)...come on ...you are all with me. The former all sound pretentious and they do it on purpose just to annoy the rest of us. I have knitting needles, I will take out your vocal chords...you know I can do it.
5. Watching people eat yogurt. What is it about people, that when they are eating yogurt, they decide they have to look like the morons on the commercials whose eyes go all dreamy and their faces wrinkle up into some dairy induced orgasm. You don't do the same thing with soup or mashed potatoes, so why do you do it over a cup of fruit flavored bacteria? Now you may ask, "Aunt Mark, why the hell are you watching people eat?" and that would be an excellent question, and if I werent already sleeping with your significant other, I 'd answer it. That being said, people...its JUST YOGURT...not an acid trip. If you keep it up, I will put shards of glass amongst your raspberry you stir up from the bottom. If you are going to make faces, I'll make sure they are entertaining ones.
ONE OTHER NON-ARTICLE RELATED REQUEST FOR YOU...
Due to a lovely idea put into my head by the delightful Roberta Krakower Moore, Aunt Mark has decided that she is going to offer an advice column...once a week, on Fridays.Now, I know all of you are incapable of governing your own lives, so my input will be a most welcome respite from your having to think. Please...send me your problems (or make some up) and send them to "Dear Auntie" at auntmark22@gmail.com with "Dear Auntie" in the subject line. Remember who you are writing to, and don't ask for real important advice...because, as you know, my column is NOT a place to be sensitive or realistic.
Click your ads...now...time to pay the piper.
I am so with you on the sidewalk thing. Really, people need to learn some manners!
ReplyDeleteNow, about this advice column, I am GIDDY with anticipation!!!